Obviously not ideal - But advice on dating before divorce is final?

[TheEvilJester]

So, I will readily admit that it is not an ideal situation to get back into the dating world while you are going through a divorce. However, worst case scenario, divorces can sometimes drag on and even last for years. In my personal opinion, thought it isn't an ideal situation, you shouldn't be stuck not being able to move on with your life simply because of a relationship that did not work out.

Mind you, in NO WAY am I saying that a husband and wife should decide to divorce, then be dating the next day. You obviously need to take time first to heal and be your own person. And, ideally, it is best if the divorce is final before you start to date. However, again, divorces can sometimes take a while, even if they are amicable (even worse if they are not). Nobody should have to be stuck from bettering their life because of that.

I am in that situation myself. I am in the middle of a divorce (which seems like it will be amicable, but you certainly never know until it is all said and done.) However, due to us both needing time to heal, as well as a temporary drawback in my financial situation (and the fact that we still get along, so there felt no rush to get things immediately settled) it has been nearly a year now since we broke up.

I healed from that relationship pretty quickly. Probably in large part due to the fact that it had been over in my own mind for so long, but I just didn't realize it. So, by this point, I am more than ready to move on. I'd like for things to be final first, but I don't want to hold off my new life forever.

So, my question is does anybody have advice on how to date while still going through a divorce? For example:

A) When do you tell the person you are dating? Is that something you make clear right off the bat? Or do you tell them after a certain amount of time? Or maybe when you feel things are progressing and could become serious?

B) How exactly is the best way to tell somebody about it? Because you know it has to raise red flags in a lot of people's minds. My biggest concern is I would meet somebody who could really be the right girl for me, but the instant she hears I am going through a divorce she will think of all those tv shows and romantic comedies were the sleezy guy tells his mistress that he is getting a divorce when he is really just using her. I don't want a potential girlfriend having to worry whether or not I am being truthful with her, or just using her, but at the same time I don't want to ignore what could be a good thing (hypothetically speaking, if I did meet somebody) just because my soon to be ex-wife and I have not yet signed the official papers. (And believe me, I want to sign them as soon as possible)

Any thoughts or advice? Thanks.

[TheEvilJester]

I try not to be one of those people always bumping my own threads, but was hoping some folks had thoughts on this. I will give it this one bump, and if nobody really has any input, I will leave it be.

[HeartIsAching]

Having *ahem* been there and done that more than once, I think the best thing is to be honest and forthright with your date. During the first part of the date when you're going through that 'getting to know you' phase, just say "I'm in the middle of a divorce. It's been over a year since we split, and so far it's been amicable."

This tells her that you're:

A. Honest - the last thing you want is to be caught out later and have her say "You hid this from me."
B. Able to end a relationship without being a dick - this is important, a lot of angst can be alleviated at the beginning if they know you're not 'crazy stalker dude'.

However, I would avoid letting the soon-to-be-ex know. It may make her a little crazy (you never know) and it might give her ammo to use in the courtroom. It's really none of her business, so best to just let it pass.

[TheEvilJester]

Thanks for the advice. That sounds like a great idea. I have to admit, I am just a little worried this would make some women instantly write me off in their heads and I could miss out on a relationship that could have otherwise been great. But, I suppose if that were to happen, then that is like fate saying they weren't the right person for me anyway.

I think you are right, though. This is probably something better just to be honest about right off the bat. Otherwise, it could potentially come across as though I was hiding something, even if that was never my intention.

[HeartIsAching]

In that case - so what? So she writes you off... you move on. Clearly in that case she wasn't compatible with you anyhow.

[HeartIsAching]

Oh yeah... and something that I learned in my 2 years of therapy - honest and clear communications get you what you want, and nothing else will.

[TheEvilJester]

Thanks again, HeartIsAching. I really appreciate your input. Sounds like good advice to me.

[bubble]

I agree there, I would also suggest you let them know right off the bat and if they write you off for it, they clearly weren't meant for you. You would appear sleazy if you were still living with the wife and hiding the new person, but when you're dating someone openly she really doesn't have a reason to think she's your mistress. Be open, be honest and that will attract the right person, you don't want to start a new relationship by calculating and playing games. And good luck out there in the dating world.

[IndiReloaded]

I'm just going to say that I completely agree with HIA. Been there, and total honesty is the only way to go. That said, I wouldn't be dating anyone with any seriousness until your divorce is final. Certainly not if you aren't living apart for at least several months. But sometimes, life happens and not on your schedule. Really, what's the alternative? Meet the love of your life and start the relationship by lying to them?

[toknow]

Actually it depends on the person, for some it would be better to tell right away, others later on.

[bluesummer]

I actually dated while going through my separation and met my current husband at that time. The key was simply honesty. I told him right off the bat I was separated but not yet divorced, his only concern was whether or not there was any hope of reconciliation....which I figured was a fair concern.

I think most people are a tiny bit leery of people going through a divorce because of the two big questions: A) Is there still lingering feelings and B) Were you the person who CAUSED the divorce and if so what on earth did you do?!? No one wants to think they're walking into an obvious train wreck. All you can do is be super honest about it AND don't rag on your soon-to-be-ex spouse because immediately throwing the blame at the other party makes it look like you're the problem.

[TheEvilJester]

Thanks, everybody, for your input. I think this sounds like good advice. I do agree somewhat with toknow that it may depend upon the person, but I still lean towards thinking honesty is the best policy in this case. After all, if a gal is not okay with it if/when I tell her right off the bat, then this was probably just fate telling me she wasn't the right one for me. Not that there is anything wrong with somebody preferring not to get involved with a person currently going through a divorce. But that is just where my life is right now, so if a person I may meet is not okay with it, then that just means I am not meant to be with them... or at least not now.