So, is this what dating is really like...?

[Indestructible]

No offense, but can you not take over my thread, please? I appreciate any and all input, but it seems like this is getting a little derailed.

This kind of implies that your social skills are crap. Going on dates involves using your social skills. Ergo, if you have sod all social skills any dates you go on are a waste of time.
Fix yourself first.

I'm not sure how I'd really describe my social skills. I mean, they're not great, obviously, but I don't think I'm THAT bad in that regard, so it confuses me as to why I can't attract people into my life. I'm admittedly reserved and quiet around people that I'm not familiar enough with, and sometimes it can take me a while to come out of that around particular people, but even with that "wall" up, I still try to be as warm and friendly towards everyone as I possibly can. And to the people I do open up around, I have more a fun, playful demeanor with. People have indicated to me many times in the past that they think I'm pretty cool and that they like me, yet, they rarely want to actually hang out with me. So, maybe you can see why I'm confused, in this regard.

"Fixing yourself" is a bit vague, really. I don't even know what the problem with me actually is, so I have no idea what I'm supposed to be "fixing". Not only that, but I've been working for years now to improve myself and be the best person I can be, so it's disheartening that after all this time, I'm still apparently not "good enough" for the world. I feel like I have to continuously jump through hoops; it's like, every time I meet some magical "standard" for attractiveness, suddenly that one is no longer good enough, and there's some new one I have to work towards, then once I hit that, that one is no longer good enough, and so on and so forth.

Not to enable Cosmo, or anything, but he pointed out that lots of guys who are WAY worse off still manage to date and have friends just fine. Most people are able to start doing these things in their teens. Nobody else has to jump through all these hoops and spend years alone "hoping for the best", so I don't understand why I do. I'm not perfect (who is?), but I could be a whole lot worse than I am, and guys worse off than me manage to do it just fine. So why not me?

[YoungCosmo]

Not to enable Cosmo, or anything, but he pointed out that lots of guys who are WAY worse off still manage to date and have friends just fine. Most people are able to start doing these things in their teens. Nobody else has to jump through all these hoops and spend years alone "hoping for the best", so I don't understand why I do. I'm not perfect (who is?), but I could be a whole lot worse than I am, and guys worse off than me manage to do it just fine. So why not me?

It's BS, isn't it? Oh well, I guess that platitude about life being unfair applies..

[Indestructible]

It's BS, isn't it? Oh well, I guess that platitude about life being unfair applies..

Well, see, I'm not trying to whine or complain about it, I just... don't get it. I've seen people with good attitudes, good personalities, who work hard, and stay positive and optimistic, only for their lives to be complete ****. I've seen people with bad attitudes, bad personalities, who don't work hard, and yet they got everything they wanted. Seeing stuff like that just makes it hard to have faith in the way the world works. I know that in general, good people that work hard and think positive supposedly end up happy, but having seen extreme examples of that not being the truth, I can't help but wonder if I'm doomed to be one of those "extreme examples", myself.

Like I said, it's just extremely frustrating, because I feel like for what I have to work with right now, I'm about as "good" as I can be. And yet, for reasons unknown to me, I just can't attract people into my life. At least if I knew the reason, I could work on that, but I don't. I try to do everything right, I try to be the best I can be, and it just doesn't really seem to matter, and I don't understand why.

[anchel1231]

Mainly online dates are helpful for whom want only friends for benefits like sex or anything. So dont take it serious and just enjoy.

[Indestructible]

Mainly online dates are helpful for whom want only friends for benefits like sex or anything. So dont take it serious and just enjoy.

I'm a little confused by what you're saying. I've been trying online dating for the last year, year-and-a-half. For the most part, I had been using it to look for "proper" dating, but I had a hard time finding girls I actually wanted to write to; I started forcing myself to write to any girls I could, and most of them never responded, and the ones that did never amounted to a date. Then when I decided I should pursue casual sex, I had an equally hard time doing that online because I noticed most women would immediately shoot that down in their profiles.

Honestly, while online dating is probably my best option, being how reserved I am and how little I actually get out and meet people, it just doesn't seem very... pleasant, and all it's amounted to is one big headache, for me.

[smackie9]

If the ladies are not responding that's because your profile is not appealing. We had another poster with this problem, so we made our suggestions on what could be changed. Apparently it worked. He started to get results.

[smackie9]

You have to remember you are competing with thousands of other guys out there. If you want any piece of the dating action you have to stand out and above the rest. Boisdevie is right, it IS your lack of good social skills is what making you lose the game. Being quiet, shy, anxious around people you don't know, anxiety, nervousness needs to be corrected. Here is a video that can get you started. It's social skills 101 and it is so easy to do, and will take a small amount of effort.

Please skip the ad.

[Indestructible]

If the ladies are not responding that's because your profile is not appealing. We had another poster with this problem, so we made our suggestions on what could be changed. Apparently it worked. He started to get results.

I guess. I dunno, like I said, I haven't really been "liking" any of the girls I've come across on online dating sites, to begin with, so to some degree, I don't even want to do online dating, period.

I have to say, after having met this woman last week, I feel really... off. I mean, part of it is like I said earlier in the topic, I just feel like I don't know what I really want anymore. I'm disappointed I didn't like this woman more, I'm disappointed it didn't turn out the way I hoped it would. Oddly enough, ever since I went out with this woman, too, my libido has pretty much died out. Not to sound pervy, or anything, but I've always had a fairly normal level of sexual desire and curiosity, and man, ever since last week, I just don't "feel it" anymore.

Edit: Oh, I started writing this before seeing your next post. I don't have time now (I have to leave for work), but when I get the chance, I'll give that video a look.

[smackie9]

That video shows you how you can interact with women (and people in general) as you go through your normal activities, like shopping, going out for lunch, buying coffee, etc. when you nteract with people this way, you can develop a relationship on a first name basis, and eventually you will know and like someone enough to ask them out.

[Indestructible]

Okay, I watched it just now. Makes sense, but yeah, I mean, I've been trying to get better at that kind of thing for a while now. Still haven't really learned that "art", I'm afraid. I'm just so bad at that "introductory" phase of meeting someone new. v_v

[Indestructible]

That date may have sucked or not been totally perfect, but at least you tried. However you feel about it now, you at least went ahead and experienced that it wasn't good. Now you can try again, maybe with somebody new. That's what dating is all about anyway. You won't always click or that the first time around, so you have to try and meet lots of people who share your interests ideally, until somebody who does 'click' arrives and you will feel more comfortable.

I just wish there was a better way to know what kind of chemistry you have with someone before you go on a date with them. To me, it seems like it'll be a chore trudging through dates that I don't have a good time going on. Like I said, I have a hard time getting "excited" and feeling good about dating, when it seems like it's just going to mostly be a chore.

[VincenzoG91]

But anyway, it occurred to me, that this must be what most "dates" are really going to be like, aren't they? Boring, awkward, little to no chemistry... I mean, obviously if you go on enough dates, you're bound to have SOME good experiences, but still. I really want to date and find someone to be with, but if this is what most dates are going to be like, that makes the process seem extremely unpleasant, to me.

Welcome to dating. Unless you get really lucky right away, this is exactly what dating is like until you meet somebody compatible. It's a series of conversations with strangers or acquaintances, fumbling around conversationally in hopes of discovering compatibility. Both of you are trying to make a good impression while also trying to really get to know each other. It's like doing job interviews. Not every job interview is going to result in a job offer, but you can learn from your mistakes and do better in the next interview. And if you keep at it, you will eventually get the job. Or girlfriend. You know what I mean.

[smackie9]

Just have a set of cue cards in your mind

step1# "Hi, how are you?" is the most common way to start a converstation...you will always get a response.
step#2 If they have a name tag, say their name "So how is your day going Candi?'' or just introduce yourself, and they will tell you their name.
step#3 the finish "Well you enjoy the rest of your day."

**the tough one is keeping good eye contact without coming off as creepy.

[Indestructible]

Welcome to dating. Unless you get really lucky right away, this is exactly what dating is like until you meet somebody compatible. It's a series of conversations with strangers or acquaintances, fumbling around conversationally in hopes of discovering compatibility. Both of you are trying to make a good impression while also trying to really get to know each other. It's like doing job interviews. Not every job interview is going to result in a job offer, but you can learn from your mistakes and do better in the next interview. And if you keep at it, you will eventually get the job. Or girlfriend. You know what I mean.

Blah. Like I said, that just seems so... unpleasant. I want to date and have a relationship, but it's so hard to get myself in the right state of mind for that when I know the initial process is not very fun at all.

Just have a set of cue cards in your mind

step1# "Hi, how are you?" is the most common way to start a converstation...you will always get a response.
step#2 If they have a name tag, say their name "So how is your day going Candi?'' or just introduce yourself, and they will tell you their name.
step#3 the finish "Well you enjoy the rest of your day."

**the tough one is keeping good eye contact without coming off as creepy.

Yeah, I try to, but I tend to not have much material after "How is your day going?", especially when most of the time, people will just say "Fine", or some other brief answer, and maybe ask me the same. I have a hard time just pulling a conversation out of nowhere. Also, this is fine for talking to a cashier, or someone who works in some kind of service job that you happen to be at, people you're sort of forced to talk to and interact with, but what about people who don't fall into that category? If I'm out by myself, shopping, or whatever, for example, I tend to just keep to myself. I don't pay attention to other customers or anything like that because I feel like I'd just be bothering people, or be seen as creepy for just randomly talking to them.

[VincenzoG91]

You need to get better at follow-up questions. Listen to what women are saying and then ask them follow-up questions. It would help if you actually had some interest in what they were saying, but there have been some very successful talk show hosts who could feign interest while asking good follow-up questions.