Still close friends with my ex

[cg3385]

Hello, My name is Chris

I'm 28 years old and I've only ever been in one relationship

One that lasted just under two years with someone who I considered and still do consider one of my best friends

Her and I didn't work as a couple anywhere near as well as we did friends, and now that we've broken up, and she's moved back to B.C. we've gone back to having a great online friendship and I wouldn't want it any other way.

It's better for her, it's better for me and I have faith that someday we will both find someone whom we click with better in a relationship...

That brings me to the question that I will be asking...

Right now I'm anxious as hell in regards to getting into the dating world... I have all kinds of anxieties towards the ideas (as a little background I'm diagnosed with Social and Generalized anxiety disorders. as I said I've also only ever dated one person, and we were friends first, so it's not the same as dating someone new either.)

But the question that plagues my mind the most is this... If I start dating someone how do I go about telling them that I am still close to my ex, and if said person is not ok with that, then things aren't going to work between us... I don't want to waste some girls time, or waste my time, or have feelings for said girl, or her have feelings for me, only for me to mention that and it all fall apart simply because of that...

But then there's the other side of the coin, I may not know much about dating, but I know enough to know talking about ex's is on the low end of the spectrum, taboo, and on the high end of the spectrum essentially dating suicide...

So if I talk about my ex too much or too fast, I may scare off someone who may've otherwise worked...

I've tried to ask advice from a few girls I know (two of my sisters and someone else I have chats with every now and then), out of the three, two of them (older of the two sisters and the other person) just agreed with me that a lot of girls would instantly avoid that sort of situation (including themselves in that sort of situation) and the third essentially was just like "I don't really know what to tell ya."

I'm just wondering is there any advice that anyone has for me, about that...

If I were to date a girl, what would seem like an appropriate time or way to bring up that I'm still close friends with my ex, and although I can assure them that her and I will never be together in that way again (nor do either of us want that), the fact that my close friend will STAY a close friend is NOT a negotiable part of the potential budding relationship with the new person I'd be telling this?

I know it's hard to answer, as the answer may be somewhat situational, but any advice/opinions besides "Ditch the ex" would be appreciated.

Thank you.

-CG

[Boisdevie]

Call me judgemental if you like but I would not consider going out with someone who was still close to their ex - it tells me that there's business there that's still unresolved.

if you don't want us to tell you to 'ditch the ex' what kind of advice would you like to hear from us?

[basilandthyme]

I think you'll find that your choice to stay close friends will be a deal breaker for most girls you'll date. So, you may as well let them know early in order to minimise waste of time for you and for her. And it won't be so much about how often you talk about the ex - the issue will be how emotionally close you are to the ex.

Tell me, is staying friends with an ex more important to you than finding new love? Also, how will you cope if/when your ex one day finds a new love and ceases close contact with you? Is staying friends with the ex really worth the sacrifice of being so limited in finding a new love?

[4 ratties]

I absolutely wouldn't date a guy that still talks to his ex online.

[Wakeup]

But the question that plagues my mind the most is this... If I start dating someone how do I go about telling them that I am still close to my ex, and if said person is not ok with that, then things aren't going to work between us... I don't want to waste some girls time, or waste my time, or have feelings for said girl, or her have feelings for me, only for me to mention that and it all fall apart simply because of that...

I suggest once you see that things are starting to click that you tell her then. If she's like me, then she will bid you adeau and get on with finding someone who isn't codependent on an ex lover to be in their life.

Do keep in mind that the person that will be okay with you having still such an emotional connection to an ex lover will be a girl that also has an emotional connection to a past lover so you better be congnizant of what you wish for.

[cg3385]

Ok, let me try to approach this point by point

First things first, I apologize for saying don't tell me 'ditch the ex', I still have no use for such comments, but obviously if it's your advice and it's what you think what else are you supposed to tell me, I shouldn't be trying to censor or filter the advice given to me, and for that I apologize.

Now onto the parts more directly involving my situation.

Firstly, I will state that both things are incredibly important to me (keeping my ex as a friend, and finding new love), I do not cut people out of my life lightly and my ex is a friend I've had in my life for a quarter of my life, it just wasn't compatible as a relationship. Her and I have no interest in being together in that way again, I realize thanks to a few things that a large part of the problem is that noone who doesn't already know me inside and out will trust me, based on the people I know it seems that by my age practically every girl and also the larger percentage of the guys as well has been mistreated by some form of deceitful, cheating, emotionally abusive lover, and because of that how can I expect a girl to trust a guy saying "Yeah, sure I'm not gonna do any of that, I'm a good guy" because that's exactly what the bad guy's gonna say too... It's definitely a difficult situation for me, because I want people to trust me, but they have no reason to trust me, and 9 times out of 10 someone if not multiple people have given them large reason to be weary of trusting someone.

Also obviously I'd be a tiny bit weary if a girl was friends with an ex myself (moreso if it was a recent breakup, as if it is I'd likely be in a rebound situation, my breakup was about a year ago), but to be honest I'd be giving them the benefit of the doubt (and that's not just because I'm in the situation I'm in, in fact, when I started dating my now-ex she was still close friends with her ex before me, and I was fine with that, in fact once I trusted instead of just hoped the ex was harmless, I was actually quite thankful he was around, I was glad that she had other people to support her as well... unfortunately he suddenly stopped talking to her without giving any reason whatsoever, I suspect it's because he found himself in the same boat I'm in now, but decided to go the other way on the decision.)

As for how would I feel if she sacrificed our friendship for a future love, I would be devastated but I would understand, the road my ex and I are trying to walk is not an easy one, I know not all will feel it's worth it, it will be a dealbreaker for many potential relationships ... I want what's best for her and if that winds up being getting rid of me, so be it, I just hope that if she does so that the one she does it for works out... I hope it doesn't come to that, but I'd hold no grudges after what I figure would be an initial wave of sadness and frustration.

Sorry if my post isn't all that well-organized, I'm just kinda frazzled right now, both due to these frustrations and stuff that has nothing to do with friendships or relationships

[Wakeup]

I realize thanks to a few things that a large part of the problem is that noone who doesn't already know me inside and out will trust me,

Its got nothing to do with 'trust' why I wouldn't want you in my life. I just can't be bothered sharing you emotionally with another woman. Others mileage may vary but I like men who don't need woman as friends. They're just more attractive to me. I can't be sussed into being with someone who isn't MY best friend. And, it's rather naive of you to think that just because we don't want to be bothered with someone who clings to another woman for moral and emotional support it automatically means we've been someone cheated on or betrayed. * I certainly have not had that misfortune... most likely because we both are on the same page about not clinging to past loves and not having opposite sex friends that are like pink elephants in our living room.

Good luck.

[cg3385]

Well, I apologize I wasn't trying to make any sort of personal attack

I am basing my observations on people I've known, some of which have directly told me what I said

I came here hoping to find some sort of good news, but all I've managed to do is get the same news I feared, and I also worry I've offended people here inadvertently as well.

You can reply if you wish, but I'm just gonna call it a day here...

My fears on the situation have been bolstered, and unless I decide to be a jerk and end a friendship for no other reason besides the relationship didn't work and if I want to find love kicking her out of my life is convenient... Since I'm not willing to do that I guess I just gotta sit back and wait for one of three things to happen

a) I manage to find one of the few exceptions
b) My ex kicks me out of her life for the same reason, which although would hurt quite a bit, is still more acceptable to me than me doing so
or
c) ride out this life alone, because I find it morally wrong to kick a friend out of my life for something that has nothing to do with our friendship...

Thank you for your responses and sorry for wasting your time

[bluesummer]

I think you're just clinging on to this friendship so hard because you HAVEN'T met another person. I think if you meet someone else that you really like and makes you happy, you'll find that this 'super important friendship' you have will start to get less and less important over time. Eventually you might even wonder why you're so obsessed with staying her close friend.

I'm friends with most of my exes, but from a distance. I don't need another close guy friend outside of my husband. In fact I stopped feeling the need to feed these relationships once I met him.....it simply wasn't important anymore.

[lisatalarico]

If you want to be friends so, go ahead.
If that make you suffer just avoid it.

[shoegal92]

Hello, My name is Chris

I'm 28 years old and I've only ever been in one relationship

One that lasted just under two years with someone who I considered and still do consider one of my best friends

Her and I didn't work as a couple anywhere near as well as we did friends, and now that we've broken up, and she's moved back to B.C. we've gone back to having a great online friendship and I wouldn't want it any other way.

It's better for her, it's better for me and I have faith that someday we will both find someone whom we click with better in a relationship...

That brings me to the question that I will be asking...

Right now I'm anxious as hell in regards to getting into the dating world... I have all kinds of anxieties towards the ideas (as a little background I'm diagnosed with Social and Generalized anxiety disorders. as I said I've also only ever dated one person, and we were friends first, so it's not the same as dating someone new either.)

But the question that plagues my mind the most is this... If I start dating someone how do I go about telling them that I am still close to my ex, and if said person is not ok with that, then things aren't going to work between us... I don't want to waste some girls time, or waste my time, or have feelings for said girl, or her have feelings for me, only for me to mention that and it all fall apart simply because of that...

But then there's the other side of the coin, I may not know much about dating, but I know enough to know talking about ex's is on the low end of the spectrum, taboo, and on the high end of the spectrum essentially dating suicide...

So if I talk about my ex too much or too fast, I may scare off someone who may've otherwise worked...

I've tried to ask advice from a few girls I know (two of my sisters and someone else I have chats with every now and then), out of the three, two of them (older of the two sisters and the other person) just agreed with me that a lot of girls would instantly avoid that sort of situation (including themselves in that sort of situation) and the third essentially was just like "I don't really know what to tell ya."

I'm just wondering is there any advice that anyone has for me, about that...

If I were to date a girl, what would seem like an appropriate time or way to bring up that I'm still close friends with my ex, and although I can assure them that her and I will never be together in that way again (nor do either of us want that), the fact that my close friend will STAY a close friend is NOT a negotiable part of the potential budding relationship with the new person I'd be telling this?

I know it's hard to answer, as the answer may be somewhat situational, but any advice/opinions besides "Ditch the ex" would be appreciated.

Thank you.

-CG

First piece of advice... DO NOT MENTION THE EX. The ex shouldn't be mentioned early on. Sure, maybe if and when the relationship gets serious, but you'll just scare girls off if you mention the ex. The best thing to do is refer to your ex as a friend and if asked, casually tell the girl that you used to date but you're now friends. It seems like a difficult dynamic though. I'd be a little uncomfortable if a guy I was dating was chatting to his ex a lot. It's your call, but seriously don't mention the ex if you can help it.

[Wakeup]

Hence why one of the first questions someone should ask a new prospective partner is: "are you still in contact or hang out with your ex?" Said matter of factly.