Can I forgive my ex after the pain she caused me?

[mooncheese]

Right,

So i had been going out with this girl, who was the love of my life to be honest when looking back on it. We had been going out for nearly 3 years on and off. We had are problems but managed to get over them in the past. These included people interfering which were both putting both me and her down and was causing arguments. Also from her being put under intense pressure from her mum when she was doing her gcse's, which caused her to get so stressed that she would just have moments where she couldn't take it, and i was the only one she felt she could talk which caused to also get the full force of these breakdowns, in which she would say things she didn't mean and sometimes some quite hurtful things, but me being a caring laid back guy i took it in my stride and that was that, but deep down it did hurt me. Anyway for the last year we dated it was on the whole amazing.

I had some of the best times of my life and really thought that we had been through it all and now we could get through anything. But the last couple of the months of the relationship started to go downhill again. The breakdowns started to become more regular but i was just supporting her and not bothered by it and just made sure we just laughed it of and making sure i was helping her as much as i could. Things like spending some whole days poo picking the fields in which she kept her horses, and doing all of the chores of owning a horse in order for her to focus on her exams, and although it was hard and i did feel run down by this point and felt our relationship become just a same old same old cycle, i struggled on with it clutching on to the hope it would be fine once the gcses had finished. But then one winters morning, i remember it was snowing but that was never stopping me riding my 50 over to see her.

Today was a little different as she was adamant we went for a walk so i was like "okay thats fine" So we started walking through the snowy fields and we stopped at the tree that we liked to chill by and watch the world by. Anyway i stood by the tree and suddenly she started to walk off, so at first i just thought she was going to look at something but she stopped and just lay in the snow, remembering that she didnt have any waterproofs on so as she lay down i went over to her and was "G**** what the hell are you doing?" She just lay there and didn't say anything. I repeated it and repeated it and she said nothing, to at this point i was so pissed i picked her gently and she just went "if you was my best friend you would know." To even this day that phrase haunts me. We then started to argue for two hours in the field slowly progressing back to her stables at this point i was tamping because she was insulting me, throwing everything i had done for her in the past couple of months running up to that in my face. After really going at each other she finally ran off to the stables to which i just froze, moments later i felt the red mist come down on me because of how much she had hurt me. I then started to run so fast because of the anger in me, then i finally caught up to her and then demanded "what the **** is wrong with you today? How do you not realise that i love you with all of my heart and just look back on all of the things i have done for you over the years? What about those lads who were bullying you and supported you through all of that, letting you have a shoulder to cry on, kissing you and cuddling you and telling you i would sort it out if it was the last thing i did. I went over to your school and after showing those lads what i thought of them they never touched you again.

All of those things i choured over for you, the breakdowns i put up with, your mum being a bitch, looking after you." The list was endless i spilled to her. We carried on arguing untill the point i just burst into tears in which she had never seen me cry and then after seeing like i was she told me she was breaking up with me because "look what i have done to you?" I just stormed off, left her at the stables, ran to her house, grabbed my stuff and left to which i found out my bike wouldnt start so i had walk home in the pitch freezing cold night 8 miles home. Yeah that day ****ing sucked. I was destroyed and cried solidly for 4 days. Anyone who says guys dont cry. Yeah, they do.

Only now 5 months on she finally confronted me after she message me for the first time since then to which i played it the tough guy for ages and then only just started to be abit myself again with her after she confronted me at the pub and actually said sorry! I still have feelings for her now but im just so drained from it all, even now, which has caused to not have any drive to go out and talk to girls, kind of because i think i really thought she was the one. Can i forgive for what she did to me? I know she still very much so loves me, and has cried over me to my girl friends and mates at partys about me so i know she misses me like hell, But can i really go out with her again and try to do it all over again after i feel so drained?

Please help it's killing me. PS sorry for the massive essay

Matt.

[Wakeup]

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Those are the periods and paragraphs that you forgot to add to your opening post to make it easy to read and comprehend.

Sorry Matt. I can't read a wall of text. If you break it up you'll get more replies, I'm sure.

[mooncheese]

Opps forgot to do that! Have paragraphed it now.

[HeartIsAching]

Welp... you've got some control issues, and she's got some anger management issues. Frankly I'd just delete the message and not contact her.

If you insist on contacting her, tell her that you'd like to hear what sort of counseling she's getting for her anger management.

[Wakeup]

I don't see any of what HIA sees. What I see is an issued girl who needs some therapy, what I see is a couple that are not meant to be together. She needs psychiatric help and I suggest you don't let her hoover you back so she can abuse you once again.

People who break up and get back to gether ad naseaum are NOT meant to be in one another's lives and to continue to try fit this square peg into a round hole is the worse thing YOU could do to yourself, Matt. You are not good as a couple. You are better off without her so find someone who you actually don't have to caretake.

You're having a hard time getting over her drama because she's abusiive and psychotic. You can't fix her so don't keep trying. She needs therapy and lots of it. Keep the zero contact. Do not let her hoover you back in for more of the same. Accept that you are better off without her and start the process of getting over her and the damage she has reaped on your self worth.

You can get over her and find someone sane when you've done the work You need to do to figure out why you would keep going back to someone nuts. You can't fix her so stop thinking she will change without professional help. This goes far beyond anger management IMO.

[mooncheese]

I did kind of think she may of had bipolar, but maybe i have been looking at the wrong way. Thanks guys, im just so confused with it all!

[mooncheese]

Okay i just need to clear up a couple of things because i think some have been misinterpreted. She was never ever violent towards me, the breakdowns were just her generally bursting into tears and saying things she "didn't mean." Also You need to take into account that she had the most controlling mum ever and didn't let her have a social life when she was doing her gcse's, and i was her only social life. Do you think this will make any difference? Or am i being just a stupid, stupid fool...

[Wakeup]

You WERE NOT MEANT TO BE WITH HER. It doesn't matter why she's nuts, the point is that she IS.

Stop all contact with her. No more going back and forth with her. Just stop all the madness so that you can heal and get on with your life without her in it. There are tons of woman out there that aren't issued that will make a better partner and better mother to your children a more compatible LIFEmate then she will ever be WITH YOU.

Time to cut the cord and move on and up from her. The abuse she reaped on you was verbal, emotional and psychological abuse which is just as self-esteem/worth inducing as any physical abuse could be. Stop the cycle and stay away from her.

[sara12345]

Just let go. I know its hard but it'll be ok

[Cbud92]

Keep your space for a while... go no contact for as long as you can and see how it changes things.

[Julia51423]

The choice is always in your hands.