What is wrong with me?

[trooper1975]

So, here goes....

I met with my ex in December 2011, and after four months, and a whirlwind romance, i moved in with her moving 200 miles to be with her. At first, all was well, but the cracks started to appear, where we found that we argued, yet we also had those really good times too. A mixture of the two i think.

We split up in October 2012, and i moved back to where i originally lived. Christmas came and went ( a miserable Christmas i can tell you), and in the early part of January, we got back in touch, and she said she wanted me back. Refusing to give up the flat i live in, i went to see her where she lived, and i would spend weeks there, only coming home to deal with office based work etc. The thing is, during this time, i found out that she was on dating sites, and had joined a dating site in October 2011. I wasn't happy, but i tried to put that behind me. Over the course of four months, she had me digging up gardens, laying carpets, painting and decorating, taking her two children to and from school etc etc. Oh, i didn't mention that i am a heart attack patient with severe kidney disease? Yup, she had me doing all that which would cause me untold amounts of pain. She would complain when i was feeling physically ill that i didn;t want to take her and the kids to the park, or i needed to spend time working day to day on the laptop (a source of my being able to earn a living).

In the end, we split again in May this year, and we haven't seen each other since. We have spoken on the phone, and she told me she wanted to be friends, and nothing more. She even told me all about some bloke she had sex with one night, and tried to ask me advice about it?!. She also admitted to me that she never actually loved me, even though i loved her a great deal.

So here's the dilemma... i love her. I have always loved her, we may never have gotten on all the time and there were issues, but even so, i still love her immensely and i would do anything to have her in my life. My heart is truly broken and i'm finding it hard to cope with it on a day to day basis.

How do i get over this? How do i move on when i have such strong feelings for this person? Any help, guidance and words of advice are appreciated.

[Boisdevie]

How do i get over this? How do i move on when i have such strong feelings for this person? Any help, guidance and words of advice are appreciated.

Stop playing the victim. Do you have low self esteem because most of us wouldn't put up with such crap. And moving in after 4 months - are you really that desperate/mad? After 4 months you barely know the other person.

[basilandthyme]

Trooper, you say you love her. But what you've written here only shows us reasons why you should dislike her. If we're to give you good advice, you need to give us a more accurate view of the situation. If she's worthy of your love, she must have many wonderful traits which you've unfairly neglected to mention.

Start with list of all the great qualities she has which make you love her so much. Of course, the list of her good traits should be substantially longer than all the faults you listed above....or else you'd have to start questioning whether or not you actually do love her.

[HeartIsAching]

Trooper - here's the cold hard truth. It'll be hard to read, and you won't like it. You may not believe it:

You don't love her. You're dependent on her for your emotional needs. She's manipulated you into believing that you need her to fulfill them. You don't.

Want to get over her? Go No Contact- Forever. It will get better, I promise.

[Wakeup]

How do i get over this? How do i move on when i have such strong feelings for this person? Any help, guidance and words of advice are appreciated.

You get on with your own life the same way you would as if she had died and you will never be able to see her again. You go zero contact and you take care of yourself. You work to be the best you that you can be through hobbies and deeds accomplished. You meet and make new friends through your social activities. You do not sit and wait to hear from her ever again and eventually, with time and what you do with your time, you will come to the stage of indifference to her and you will find you are living your life just fine without her.

That is what you do. You do not make your pain your best friend. You accomplish not making your pain your best friend by changing the subject of her when she pops into your head instead of basking in your reverie of her. You consciously avoid anything to do with her including and most importantly, you DO NOT remain in her life in the demoted state of "just friend" from "lover and friend and partner." Do not allow your self-esteem and self respect be whittled down by her. Eventually she will start using you again for chores around the house and the like and then, if you don't do them, she will attempt to make you feel bad for not being a 'good friend' when you tell her no, you are not well enough to do for her.

That is how you get over "this."

BTW:

and after four months, and a whirlwind romance, i moved in with her

You learn that you should NEVER move in with someone you don't even know. Moving in with someone during the honeymoon stage is the most dangerous thing you can do for your emotional health. (in MOST cases). Don't put yourself through that again. Learn who you are with before you move yourself in with them.