Why is he doing it?

[smencey]

Hi,

My boyfriend of a year broke up with me three weeks ago, we were each other's first loves. We met after living together at university, but we now live in separate houses. The break-up has been a particularly traumatic experience for me as I feel like these past few weeks he has put me through Hell, and it's beginning to seem like it's all for his own amusement and lust for dominance or power.

For the first couple of weeks, we still slept in the same bed, said we loved each other etc. Then, after one particularly horrible fight (in which I ended up at a hospital because he became afraid that I would try to kill myself, even though HE was the one who threatened it first), I then did not hear from him. Panicking about where he was and for his safety, I called, I texted. The next day, the police are at my door saying that he has filed a charge of harassment and battery against me. In fact, I had not laid a hand on him but it was the other way around.

A few days on, and I notified him that I was probably going to leave the university. He cried, shook with fear, told me he loved me and that we'd be together, he'd do anything I want so long as I didn't leave him because he couldn't bare to live his life without seeing me or knowing I am there. This went on for a day-or-so until I eventually changed my mind. I ran to him, and he then took back everything he had said right to me. After that, we've been in contact over the course of the week, and have bumped into each other all over the place (the uni I go to is a small city, and his house is a 25-second walk from mine). Every time we see each other he'll kiss me, call me 'baby' and tell me how beautiful I am. Last night, he came into my house and was cuddling me in bed yet still reinstates that we're not together and will not ever be getting BACK together.

He messes with my head, claiming that he "had" me and that he could "always knew exactly how to play me". What does he mean by that? Is this all some sort of power trip to him, and if so what must I do? I am losing the will to live having to go through the same grieving process every single day, my parents do not wish to speak to me anymore because of the situation I have been in with him. Both of us have lost friends who have drifted to either side.

Honestly? Yes, I still love him. Yes, I still care. And yes, if he wanted to be with me then I would do it because the actual relationship, to me, was fantastic. However, every time I ask he says no and I have recently found him impossible to talk to. He claims to still want to be my best friend, yet I receive no emotional support, no part of his time unless it's convenient for him and feel like he has excluded me from pretty much everything he does when we used to spend every waking moment together.

He's always saying he wants to be left alone and single, yet still does all of these things to indicate that he will not let go. Surely if he wanted to get rid of me he would have:
A) Had me formally arrested for continuing to contact him after the charges were filed against me
B) Deleted me off of facebook and from his phone, rather than returning my calls.
C) Told me point blank, I don't want anything more to do with you and STUCK to that. He has said it plenty of times yet the next time we meet he'll start kissing and cuddling me.

HELP! My head is a mess and I can't let go

[searock]

You both need professional help. Do not get back together with him, don't even talk to him or meet him again unless you bump into him. Don't let him kiss you or touch you in any way. Get help.

[smackie9]

It's easy, cut him out of your life. Since you both were new to having an intense relationship, you both didn't know how to handle those feelings...that's why it got so out of control. Go no contact and you will be fine.

[Wakeup]

After everything he's done to you... told you to fk off basically and then cries when you do, doesn't that tell you that he's really in need of some therapy? Know; that you can't fix him and he can't fix you either. Where is your self-respect, your love of self? Why would you harrass a man that has told you he doesn't want you and he never will to the point that he puts a restaining order on you. When do YOU GET THE HINT? Seriously!

You've lost family and friends over an mentally issued young man who could NEVER EVER give you a decent, functional life free of emotional stress. Never will you ever be able to trust that he won't do this to you again when his particular brand of psychosis takes over his better judgement. Never ever will he be able to trust you again that you won't go bunny boiler on him and blow up his phone, email etc to distraction.

ITS OVER; You now have to accept that his trying to hoover you back is just part of his own mental illness that fuels his ego. Knowing that you'll run to him like faithful black lab whenever he calls or wants a cuddle is simply an ego stroke and it does not mean he wants you or loves you in the least.

Zero contact. Block and delete him from being able to get through to you. Go to your school councelor if you need help with going cold turkey withdrawl. You're wasting your emotional health on him, you'll be failing your courses due to him, you'll be making yourself with even less confidence and self-esteem if you continue to let him play with your emotions.

Take back you personal power and stop talking to someone who is sick in the head. You can't fix him and he doesn't want you trying. DONE! OVER! Time to heal and get to the stage of indifference to him thru zero contact and keeping busy doing things you like with people you like. MOVE ON! No more clinging to hope, no more allowing him to abuse you emotionally. No more you trying to pursuade him to come back. You don't need him back... he's ****ed up. There are men who won't do what he does to you. In time you'll find one but only if you let this one go for good in heart and mind.

[4 ratties]

You both sound like pyschos. Threatening to kill yourselves and getting off on making the other one upset. This relationship sounds so sick.