End my sexless marriage??

[Philagirl]

Hi all: So I'm going to try to make a long story a bit shorter...My husband is a recovering drug addict. For the past 3-5 years he has been addicted to opiates. He has stolen from our whole family, lied to everyone who loves him and has basically ruined many relationships with loved ones. So he's on the road to recovery and attends meetings, is trying to make amends, etc. Which is all great, but I feel that we've lost everything we had together in our marriage. There's no trust, we constantly disagree on many things and mainly we've completely lost intimacy. We've had sex maybe a dozen of times in the 6 1/2 years we've been married and are not affectionate whatsoever. We are basically acting as friends and co-parents to our 4 yr old and 15 mo. old children. He is an amazing father and helps a lot around the house, although I feel in his addiction he became extremely lazy compared to how he was prior to. I'm at the point where I'm considering seeking intimacy outside of our marriage and it scares me. It's not something I want to have to do, but I feel so starved for affection and attention that I'm now questioning my own sanity. We have had countless conversations about this issue and he says he'll do better, but never does. I have tried everything. I have tried being the initiator and I'm so sick of the rejection. If our marriage ended, I would miss him so much and I don't see myself getting old with anyone else. But although I love him deeply, but maybe I'm not in love with him on an intimate level anymore. Like I'm just emotionally drained. Maybe I already know the answer, but I'm too terrified to face it and terrified to send him out of the house away from the children. He loves them so much and they love him and everyone would suffer so much. I would feel totally responsible for doing this to my family. Please help. Any advice would be so appreciated.

[mollymari]

Philagirl, That sounds really rough and very complicated and I bet you wish you had a magic wand. People on this site could offer advice but this is a marriage with kids; it is difficult to encourage someone to make such a choice. But yes, it does sound like you have already made that choice as difficult as it may be. Your children are young now. Perhaps you need to imagine what your state of being would be like in say, 5 years or so, if things remain the way they are now, what is that going to do to you? and how do you think your kids will react seeing Mom so unhappy; what will that teach them?
No matter what happens between you and he, if he's a good Father now, he'll be a good Father always.

My Mother stayed in a fairly loveless relationship for a time long ago. Being young as I was, I assumed this was what people did. I knew she was unhappy; could hear her crying sometimes at night. This tortured me. I hated her being so unhappy and though I loved my Dad, I wondered why she didn't do something to fix her situation even if that meant their separation. After awhile, her lack of initiating positive changes planted a seed of disappointment. I was disappointed in her and from my young eyes, assumed she was weak. I didn't understand fully. I didn't understand she stayed for so long because of me.
Well, one fine day, she knocked on my bedroom door, came in and said she was leaving. I could stay or go with her. It was my proudest moment of her. FINALLY, that strong confident woman was BACK! and we left.
What did that teach me? That we shouldn't settle.
From reading your words, it is clear that you and yours have gone through a rollercoaster ride. So very good of you to be there for him and your children but you need to remember, if you don't work, nothing does; and a woman needs affections, especially a woman that's endured what you have endured. I'm sorry your man has gone through such a rough time but so have you.
Perhaps space and time are what's needed here. Time to reflect, time to remember what brought you two together in the first place.
and then there's this: from what I've read and experienced, separation of the parents is easier on younger children... Not so much on teens or preteens.
Don't lose sight of yourself and may you find the best possible outcome.

[Boisdevie]

I'd stick with the loser. After all I bet you don't deserve any better do ya?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Divorce him. Tell your children that their dad is a piece of shit dopefiend and everything is all his fault.

[Philagirl]

Thank you so much Mollymari. I loved hearing of your Mother's revelation, unfortunately after so many unhappy years. But it gives me hope. I feel like her. And the last thing I want is for my children to see me weak and see me cry. I want them to know I was strong and fought for them and for myself as I would hope they would grow up to do the same in tough life situations. I do think of where I'll be in 5 years and I could either have so much regret or I will look back and say to myself "wow, I never knew life could be this happy and relaxed, etc." At least that's what I'm hoping. When my husband was seeking treatment for the drug abuse he was gone for a month. In that month I did struggle emotionally because I had just been hit with news like it was a freight train. I had to look back at the past 5 years and know that he was high during every important moment including the birth of my children and that I was an enabler and in denial. But aside from that, I learned that I can do this. I could raise these two amazing kids on my own if I had to and I learned how strong I am as a woman and a mother. My son took it hard and he definitely will again once my husband is no longer in my house full-time, but I see that with all the time my husband still spends away at night going to meetings (he goes to 5 a week), he's learning to cope with it and may complain once in a while, but he's dealing with it. Thanks again! This was exceptional advice.

[mollymari]

Phila girl, I'm glad it helped and I wish you every success regarding this!
Stay strong and remember who you are, never lose sight of that happiness you deserve !

[pcmaster]

and I bet you wish you had a magic wand.

Its called dick these days.

[mollymari]

Its called dick these days.

Charming....tee hee, well, to each their own; whatever works for one may not work for another.