Did you have an emotionally absent father and did/does it affect your relationships?

[4blossoms]

I think parents are role models for their children whether they like it or not. A boy's impression of women is affected by his relationship with his mother. A girl's impression of men is affected by her relationship with her father.

My father was abusive when I was a kid. I've worked through the child abuse issues but still have an estranged relationship with him. I'll visit my parents' house but don't really talk to my father. To this day he still sometimes ignores me when I try to have a conversation. Growing up I'd tell him about something that was important to me and while my mother would be supportive he would shoot me down, berate me for being an idiot, or just ignore me like I'm not there. On the rare days when he was in a good mood he would praise me, even if what I wanted was a bad idea. My mom would then intervene and try to set me straight. Growing up I experienced my father (and by extension all men) as cold, uncaring, selfish, irresponsible, judgmental, harsh, and hurtful. Luckily, I've been friends with men who were kind, caring, responsive, and patient, so I know this isn't true. But because of these rough lessons from childhood I can't seem to open up to any guy that I'm dating. Without opening up and sharing your real thoughts and feelings with the other person you just remain acquaintances.

Does anyone else have/had an emotionally absent / abusive father but was able to establish a healthy relationship? If so, how did you overcome your trust issues? How about fears of abandonment in a relationship?

[basilandthyme]

Emotionally absent father - so I made up for it by seeking love via sex. Let's just say I had very fun teenage years.

However when I was in a relationship, I had no trust issues or fears of abandonment: I guess I knew that the guys I dated were not my father.

[4blossoms]

Emotionally absent father - so I made up for it by seeking love via sex. Let's just say I had very fun teenage years.

However when I was in a relationship, I had no trust issues or fears of abandonment: I guess I knew that the guys I dated were not my father.

That's great that you were able to separate it and not relive the relationship with your father with anyone you dated. I think up until a couple of years ago I was still looking for love through sex and I'm in my mid-30s. I don't do that anymore though. Slow learner...

[Starnique]

Emotionally absent father - so I made up for it by seeking love via sex. Let's just say I had very fun teenage years.

This. I was never "slutty" I have to really like a guy to sleep with him but it didn't take a lot of work, as I was very naïve because when I liked a guy, I liked him. I would expect him to like me the same way so I would be sad if it didn't work out but then I'd move on to the next one. Routine. I know come off as hardcore but I'm soft when I like a guy. Seeking love in all the wrong places until I really started to focus on myself and loved myself the way I was supposed too. It took me a while to separate the two. Sex and Love. Because if you're a girl then you'll be left feeling empty if you cant.

[surfhb2]

You need to seek out therapy.

We are who we are by how are parents raised us but it's our responsibility to ourselves to deal with those shortcomings.

[Starnique]

Thanks but I don't need therapy. Can't speak for the others but I already figured out what my problem was.

[surfhb2]

Thanks but I don't need therapy. Can't speak for the others but I already figured out what my problem was.

Therapy isn't for knowing the issue.....it's dealing with it. I assume that's why you're here?

[Starnique]

As you can see I did not start this thread. So no that's not why i'm here.

I was letting the OP know that I could relate to what she is going thru and if you reread my post, I said that when I learned to love myself more, which means knowing that I don't need a man to validate me then I was able to get past my problems. I love my father but he was a womanizer and had a drug problem and my step dad, hated him. He was manipulative and tried to turn my mother against me as if I was the worst daughter in the world. But i never questioned his love for me ever. I had more issues with my mom. I wanted her love. Despite whatever i did, i know who i am as a person and i luv that chic. In a nutshell, not allowing sorry ass men in my life and letting them take advantage of me and not being naive so I can face reality.

Why give my my money to a therapist when all i got to do is be real with myself and love it cause my truth is so beautiful. I know i'm feisty at times and be complicated but its more to me then that and when i love , i love to there's to love no more, so if he want to be a asshole. Fine, i'll be that best thing he never had. Need I say more?

[joanna1]

Not emotionally absent but physically absent because he was in the military. I think the only issue I took away from that is that men don't protect you, and they won't be there for you. I know it was because of his job and I love my father but if you are looking for some issue taken from his absence it would be that for me. ( only because of the actions of my mother in his long absences) I never acted out sexually, I was very shy.

[surfhb2]

Sorry.....thought I replied to the op

Therapy is a great thing ......for me anyway

[Starnique]

No worries... I wasn't being a smart ass btw. I was just stating the facts.

[4blossoms]

You need to seek out therapy.

We are who we are by how are parents raised us but it's our responsibility to ourselves to deal with those shortcomings.

I saw a therapist for 5 years and it was pretty useful in dealing with family problems. I don't think I'd call any of what I have "shortcomings". Maybe "repercussions of childhood abuse and trauma", but more than anything else I like think of myself as a survivor that made it (didn't cut my wrists and never tried to commit suicide).

[4blossoms]

Starnique, have you had any success with relationships? If so, how did you get over your issues from childhood?

[Orsba]

absent father.... it brings issues, but I can't name them..

[NiaPeach]

I never knew my father. My mother claimed he was in the Army and he passed but as time went on, I realized that she knew whom he was but she didn't want to tell me. My mother was really wild back in the days and I figured that she just didn't want it to get out as to who he was but she knows. For a long time, I resented my mother for several reasons and I cut contact with her because I resented her that much. I love her now and I forgive her. Strangely a grudge is a kind of clinging, a way of not separating, and when we hold a grudge against a parent, we are clinging not just to the parent, but more specifically to the bad part of the parent. It's as if we don't want to live our lives until we have this resolved and feel the security of their unconditional love. We do so for good reasons psychologically. But the result is just the opposite: We stay locked into the badness and we don't grow up.

Getting to a forgiving place, finding the forgiving self inside us, is a long and complicated journey. We have to be ready to forgive. We have to want to forgive. The deeper the wound, the more difficult the process—which makes forgiving parents especially hard. Along the way, we may have to express our protest, we may have to be angry and resentful, we may even have to punish our parents by holding a grudge. But when we get there, the forgiveness we achieve will be a forgiveness worth having.

To forgive is not to condone the bad things our parents have done. It's not to deny their selfishness, their rejections, their meanness, their brutality, or any of the other misdeeds, character flaws, or limitations that may attach to them. It is important to separate from our parents—which is to stop seeing ourselves as children who depend on them for our emotional well-being, to stop being their victims, to recognize that we are adults with some capacity to shape our own lives and the responsibility to do so.