depressed...

[annabella123]

Hello everyone, i'm new here and i basically registered because of my need to talk about something..Well, i've grown up in a familly with no father(my parents divorced early on and my dad never really tried to communicate with us-unless you view a "happy birthday!"or a "marry christmas" phone call per year as a communication attempt). I can't help but to think this corrupted relationship with my dad has somehow affected me in ways i'm not even aware of, because i've got to tell you, my sexual life is not healthy..at all. I'm a 21 year old female and so far i've had sex with girls, boys, more than 2 boys at once etc and it was always casual sex with no feelings. An exeption to that was the one and only relationship i've had with my 1st girlfriend, if one could even call that a real relationship since it was always on the verge of romance and friendship and teenage confusion.. So now, i feel like i want a true relationship..strings attached and all. I want to FEEL things for someone and most importantly i want the other person to reciprocate my love. I really can't take any more abandonment and insecurity. I need to be loved..and at the same time i'm feeling so desperate..like i will never find this kind of love..like i'm not even worthy of it...What's wrong with me? I feel sick and broken..

[4 ratties]

I had a rough childhood too and had lots of sex too. I didn't have my first boyfriend til I was 21. Nothing wrong with that.Then I settled down. I'm 23 now and so much better. Thanks to counseling, being so in touch with myself, and support. At 21 I was still figuring my head out too, that's normal.to me it's sad that girls have kids so much at this age. This is the age when u are figuring yourself out and transferring to being an adult. Not at 18... 18 is still a baby in my eyes.

[smackie9]

A rough childhood isn't preventing you from finding a committed relationship. 21 is just a rough age for most because you are entering the adulthood from childhood and only you are responsible for yourself....I remember how difficult it was starting at 19. There's a lot of uncertainty, the future looks so vast when you don't really know your direction yet. The trick is to stop blaming your past and move forward with a new you. It's accepting that you can't change what happen but you can have control over your destiny. The best thing to do is to surround yourself with positive people, friends and co-workers. Saying that you need a relationship to be happy is co-dependency....it will cause so many bad things to a relationship and to you as a person. You need to be able to stand on our own two feet emotionally, and financially. Once you become a happy well supported person, with a strong social circle, productive interests you will be ready to share your life with someone. That is share your like but do not make them your life.

[smackie9]

When you are lonely and desperate the only people you will attract with be the ones who are abusive and are users, because they look for someone that is vulnerable and weakened.

[Lilia]

.like i will never find this kind of love..like i'm not even worthy of it...What's wrong with me? I feel sick and broken..

What makes you feel that you are not worthy of it? Don't let your past define who are. It can be normal to feel sick and broken sometimes however if this feeling has lasted more than a month or if it comes to you every once in a while within a long period of time you might need to see a therapist. Don't let those feelings control your life.

[bluesummer]

Honestly, I think your relationship with your Dad isn't the huge influence you think it is. I had a very present father who loved me a lot and was also very strict. However I was always very insecure and no one ever taught me self confidence, even though my own father was the model of it. Consequently I also had shitty relationships and slept with a lot of people looking for some type of acceptance or validation.

Counselling would help. I think the key here is learning to appreciate yourself and have some confidence, and those are things that don't come overnight. They take a lot of work. You aren't ever going to have a healthy happy relationship until you are healthy and happy yourself. Start with taking "I'm not worthy" out of your self-talk. Start with "I deserve the best". Find reasons to like yourself before you look for someone else's validation....no one else can MAKE you happy. Trust me.

[surfhb2]

I probably think your relationship with your father, or lack there of, has a huge impact on your situation. Therapy would be a good idea to help you figure out how to deal with that. We are who we are based on the home our parents made for us at a very early age (less then 5). It's sounds simplistic but those are proven facts. How we deal with any negative issues that come from that in adulthood is the responsibility of the individual.

Guarantee it will help you.

[DalM0m]

The depression is a self fulfilling cycle. You see the world with a dark filter & then you get darkness & bad relationships back. Some of this you may need professsional help & possibly medication to overcome. You will be suprised how much better things are when the dark cloud goes away.

[annabella123]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I am really trying to built this social circle that some of you mentioned and have fun and fullfilling activities..I have some very dear friends and try to do stuff during the day but still i feel like no one will be attracted to me and want to have something serious with me. I know it's a self-loathing generated idea but i can't help but think like that, subconsciously at least. Although i have my life "scheduled" nice, and try to do productive things and all i still get this social- anxiety much and i usually feel like people i don't know well dislike me or don't even notice me..I don't feel guilty for my messy sexual life because as you also said 20something is the age at which one tries
to descover themselves, but on the other hand i realise that sex is not love and what i want is love..I'm just too anxious and pessimistic to hunt it

[Wakeup]

Have you thought about councelling? Several people have suggested it but you haven't acknowledged it or given us your own thoughts on it.

You have lots to come to terms with when it comes to your feelings about an absent father and a professional will help you to do just that. I agree with surf, non-nurtuing fathers or mothers, never seeing parents loving actions towards one another will affect our own self-worth and our way of relating and trying to achieve self-love.