How do I get over my ex? He was abusive but I can't live without him

[Lilia]

Just read the last paragraph if you don't have the time to read everything.
We started dating when I was 19 (almost 20) and he was the same age as my dad. I was still very childish at that time. I think my mental age was about 14 -15 years old. And I was looking for someone who would replace my dad. Basically I was looking for a father figure in my life supposedly because I had a really tough relationship with my father. I didn't find young guys attractive... I had very low self esteem and no self worth. I even wanted to be a prostitute just to make myself feel even worse. I was self destructive. I was very stupid. I was a mess.

When I met my bf, I told him how I felt about myself. I told him that I wanted to be raped, I wanted to be a whore or to be treated like one. I told him a lot of bullshit which I was sucked into at that time. And so my ex started it the way I wanted. He invited me over his house on the second date and when I refused to give him a blow job he yelled at me and told me to get the **ck out. He was serious and it wasn't a role game. I didn't like it cos everything I thought I wanted was bullshit. In fact I really wanted exactly the opposite - to be loved and cared for. I told him about that and my ex bf adapted to it and started treating me normally. So we became a normal couple more or less. He was caring and supportive but he was so short tempered at the same time. He yelled at me almost every time we met. He called me names too. He gave me a lot of support at the same time. He inspired me to do things. When I was into photography he liked it. And my parents didn't. When I was making stuffed toys he liked them. My parents didn't. When I was molding sculptures he liked them. My parents didn't. He brought me beautiful fabric from abroad so I could make more toys. He helped me to write a CV to apply for a job cos I hadn't done that before. He was always there for me. Always available on the phone. He was supportive when I had arguments with my parents. He even paid for my therapy for a few months. He had anger issues but he seemed to be a good person. And besides his anger problems everything else was fine with him. He had a good job, friends, lovely family... He was truly compassionate. He was my everything, he was like air for me to breath.

There were times when he tried hard to improve, tried not to get angry as often. There were times when we had a few good days without yelling. He was still very irritated at times and his tone of voice was mean but he didn't yell. He stopped calling me names. Then as we hit 2 years anniversary I got a job and I fell in love with a guy at work but we didn't even kiss ( basically it was more like infatuation than love). The relationship with my bf was very rocky but better than how it started. I told my bf that I fell in love with the guy at work. That was a mistake. He could never fully forgive me for that even though I didn't sleep with the guy and the feelings for him had vanished quickly. Ever since the relationship with my bf kept getting worse. The relationship became sexless... I had to beg him for it and at the begining he would initiate it most of the time. My bf started calling me names again. I started seeing him less and less and he was pissed about that too. He would yell at me on the phone and hang up on me and I would call him back multiply times until he picked up the phone to yell at me again. He yelled at me over stupid meaningless things...When I told him that I missed my college days he exploded with anger cos he thought I was lying. I was so clingy I could stay awake all night just to keep sending him msgs all night. I was writing his name thousand times on Skype. I was writing his name on my skin with needles. Once after another big argument I carved on my leg "Lost my daddy". Cos that's how I felt. He would buy me gifts for special occasions but he would always tell me later that I wasn't good enough for them or that I was begging for them when I never ever did. If I returned him the gift after an argument he would get angry too.

I couldn't leave him cos that would feel like losing a parent, losing comfort of being protected and being cared for.

Eventually the arguments got worse. The worst one happened 3 months ago when my dog broke his legs. I was home alone and I was so worried about my dog that I didn't go out to buy food for me and gave up eating. I was starving for a few days and my bf came to my house to bring me some food. He stayed at night too. He tried to comfort me and he bought me a bike to make me feel better. I tried to be caring too. For example I woke up 1 hour earlier than him to dry his wet clothes with a hairdryer cos he had to go to work. That day we had an argument when he came back from work. I complained that he was too late( I was just upset, not yelling or anything) and he got angry and threatened to take the bike away. I said that it wouldn't bother me. He yelled that I rejected his gift again. (Did he want me to beg for it? what else was I supposed to say?) That evening I was biting my nails cos I was worried about my dog's broken legs and my bf didn't like the sound. He started filming me with his phone to make me stop. I started filming him too. He grabbed my laptop and erased the video. Then he started yelling. He jumped on the sofa and started yelling in my face. I raised my hand instinctually to move his face away and accidentally left a small scratch on his face. He thought I did it intentionally. He started calling me names and I didn;t act submissive and started calling him names back. He was threatening to hit me by showing me his fist and then he grabbed me by my hair and pulled me down on the floor. He slapped me and hit me a few times. I started screaming and tried to hit him back. He squeezed my neck for a few seconds really hard. I was crying all evening and I woke up with concussion symptoms the day after.

Then I tried to break up with my bf again but it didn't work. We became friends again. I tried to be as distant as possible. We started communicating by sending emails only. Then I let him closer 2 months ago and he yelled at me as soon as we got on the phone. I said that I was taking some tests to check if i had aspenger syndrome which proved me wrong and he told me to shut up cos I had nothing wrong with me and to never bring this up again. I said why? Why can't I talk about it? He said cos if he tells me to shut up why can't I simply do it? And he called me names and hang up on me again. I blocked him everywhere I could and I haven't answered his calls ever since( he called a week and then 2 weeks after it happened).

So now I am trying not to call him but it is very hard. I feel very isolated. Being without him feels like hell. It feels like its easier to be with him than being alone.
I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to live. (( I feel like if I was a child who lost their parent. Like I am in a very dark place alone. I feel like it will never end.
I've read a lot of threads where people write "it's been a year and I can't get over my ex" I know I will feel the same 1 year from now. Just like they do.
Therapy won't help. I've tried it before. it never helped. And I had an unproffesional therapist in the past who even made me feel much more insecure.
I feel like calling him and moving into his house again. I would feel better than now I am sure. Do you have any advice guys? Has anybody been through anything similar? I hope you haven't cos it is hell.(

[DalM0m]

Finding a good therapist can be like finding a good boyfriend. It takes a while & there will be bad ones along the way. If you are cutting -- & carving words into your leg is cutting -- you need professional help. Some ice cream & a good cry session are not going to get you through this.

Time does heal most wounds but you have to want to get over him. Part of your post reads like in a year you still want to be pining for him.

The begining after a break up is the hardest. Your comfort level, your routine, that which was familiar are all gone. It feels as you are experiencing, very isolating. It's tempting to think that the devil you knew (the bad relationship) is better than being alone. It's not.

You need to keep yourself busy. Throw yourself into work. Pursue a hobby. Go out with friends. Exercise

Making positive changes also helps. Get a new hairstyle. Rearrange the furniture in your house. Buy some different kinds of clothes.

Post on here or call a designated dear friend when you are tempted to contact him.

[4 ratties]

U are in no mental state to have a boyfriend. U need to continue therapy, maybe get on medication, and not be so codependent. Your title of " I can't live without him" is all anyone really needs to read. Have u gone to college? Any chance u could go to college and improve on yourself instead of depending on someone else to create it for you?

[pcmaster]

Well as much I see the problem was that at your age you were unusualy lonely. When you didnt had to. Instead of making healthy enviroment(good social health) with friends and people your age you choosed to isolate yourself. It would be normal at age 80 when all your friends are dead and kids dont call, parents are dead and you leave house only once a day to buy groceries. But as you get older you will understand the diference between being lonely because you think you are or being lonely because you dont have a choice. Sitting at home will feel as hell cause when you sit this feeling of helplesness is coming up. Because nothing changes and that is the reason - sitting.

Only way how to get out of hell is start to function again. Go to work, eat 3 meals a day, talk with people.

Your BF was crazy from very beggining. Screaming because of little things and so. These people ussualy get treated unfairly and later in life they understand that they didnt had to take that shit, that they didnt deserve it and anger builds up. ANd that was excatly what he gave to you - anger when you didnt deserved it. You would end up being same as him - screaming bich, screaming for nothing. Your relationship worked when you absorbed his anger but when you gave him back the same negative emotions he got even more crazy. No one have rights to scream at other people, doesnt matter what. Its gainst the law and police can be called for domestic violence. Dark times are over and people have rights now.
The guy did hide his insecurity with screaming. He didnt love himself enought thats why saw more negative in your actions against him than there actually was.
What your parents said when you had a older boyfriend?

Anyway you need someone you can talk daily. It dont have to be the same person but you should socialise at least few hours a day. Whatever is your passions pick one and live it, meet other people tru it. Like if you excersise everyday you might as well do it together with other people in the gym and earn some new friends. For example I liked orange juice but it was boring to drink it at home so I went to nighctclub and drank it there. So it was more fun.

When you alone after a while you would want to be together with people - even if they not good to you. Like in prison you would became close with criminals.
But you are not in jail. You have a choice. If you dont like to be at home you can leave, go out.
Also when speaking with therapist be open. Otherswise it wont help. You have to cry and let pain out with someone who listens how you feel. Crying alone wont help.
The ussualy questions is -Whats bothering you, what is you wana talk about, how you feel, how you feel about it,why its like that, what you think would help, what are you gona do with your life?
These standart questions that helps explore your feelings and get a better focus on life. Its much easier once you understand yourself better and are sure who you are.

[bluenote99]

this guy wasn't treating you fairly lilia, he may not have been violent but name-calling,abuse,threats,with-holding affection these are all tactics of an emotional bully designed to drive your self-esteem into the ground to make you totally dependant on him and thats not love its control and a kind of abuse, getting over anyone is not easy especially when you feel very dependant on them but i'm afraid its the usual tactics distraction,keeping yourself as busy as possible,spending as much time as possible with friends and family and crucially for you i think keep building your confidence whether that be with the help of a good therapist or not until you get to a stage where you realise you deserved much better from him than what you got, you will get there lilia but time as ever is a crucial factor,

[Lilia]

Finding a good therapist can be like finding a good boyfriend. It takes a while & there will be bad ones along the way. If you are cutting -- & carving words into your leg is cutting -- you need professional help. Some ice cream & a good cry session are not going to get you through this.

Time does heal most wounds but you have to want to get over him. Part of your post reads like in a year you still want to be pining for him.

The begining after a break up is the hardest. Your comfort level, your routine, that which was familiar are all gone. It feels as you are experiencing, very isolating. It's tempting to think that the devil you knew (the bad relationship) is better than being alone. It's not.

You need to keep yourself busy. Throw yourself into work. Pursue a hobby. Go out with friends. Exercise

Making positive changes also helps. Get a new hairstyle. Rearrange the furniture in your house. Buy some different kinds of clothes.

Post on here or call a designated dear friend when you are tempted to contact him.

You guessed it right, DalM0m. I can't believe it is over and I love him so much still. I still secretly believe that it can be fixed, that it will get better. Logically I understand that it won't but my feelings scream with hope and belief that it will work somehow. I gave him so many chances to change though... I remember he used to apologize a lot for his hurtful words and outbursts but then he changed and he would tell me that it was just the way he was. He kept saying that he couldn't ask me to stop being depressed therefor I couldn't ask him to stop being angry.
I'll certainly try to do what you suggested to get over him. Thank you very much for your help.

[Lilia]

this guy wasn't treating you fairly lilia, he may not have been violent but name-calling,abuse,threats,with-holding affection these are all tactics of an emotional bully designed to drive your self-esteem into the ground to make you totally dependant on him and thats not love its control and a kind of abuse, getting over anyone is not easy especially when you feel very dependant on them but i'm afraid its the usual tactics distraction,keeping yourself as busy as possible,spending as much time as possible with friends and family and crucially for you i think keep building your confidence whether that be with the help of a good therapist or not until you get to a stage where you realise you deserved much better from him than what you got, you will get there lilia but time as ever is a crucial factor,

Thank you, I will try to do that. It is hard to do but I understand that having a social life is essential for moving on from my past relationship...

[Lilia]

Hi pcmaster,
It is interesting that you compared my life to a life of a 80 year old person cos I've been thinking for a while just about exactly the same thing. I could be living exactly the same life when I am 80 and that's why I feel like every day is a waste. I am not a very outgoing person and I struggled with social phobia in high school and college. I've adapted finally and can make a good impression of a social person and I held a stressful job for 2 years but on the inside I still feel very insecure.
I have one good friend but seeing her regularly once a week was a bit overwhelming when I had a job.
When I got laid off from my old job I realized that the job didn't make me any happier. I felt like I was a prisoner there for 2 years and like I wasted my youth on something that I didn't enjoy doing at all. I had a lot of social interactions there and I liked a few people but those social interactions were in general stressful. I felt emotionally drained every day. But most of the people there were nice! And I kept telling myself all the time " at least I have those basic social interactions which proves that I am normal" but I never enjoyed it...
Recently I've realized that i would like to live at a farm for a year or two. I would like to clean animals' kennels and to work with horses. I would like to train dogs for people with disabilities... I want to be close to nature.. but I don't feel that I can find a job like that in Russia...
Therapists in Russia are not very professional cos it is a new thing here and it only started to develop about 10 years ago.. so it is almost impossible to find a good one. ( I will keep trying though..
You are right, being open with a therapist is the key to healing but I never allowed myself to cry at a therapy session. I have to work on being more open or otherwise I will not get any help.

I've never told my parents about his age. I've never told them about his anger issues either...
Thanks for reminding me to eat. It is like you knew that I stop eating when depressed.

[Lilia]

U are in no mental state to have a boyfriend. U need to continue therapy, maybe get on medication, and not be so codependent. Your title of " I can't live without him" is all anyone really needs to read. Have u gone to college? Any chance u could go to college and improve on yourself instead of depending on someone else to create it for you?

I've gone to many colleges and I would always stop attending due to my social phobia and got expelled from every college I've ever entered. Sounds pretty bad I know... But I managed to learn another language and worked in a big international company for quite long. I don't have a degree in anything though but I would rather find a job than go to college again..

[Lilia]

You know guys I feel like it is still very hard for me to admit that he actually was abusive. I try to find excuses for what he did. I try to think that it was only my fault and not his. Believe me or not guys but I am still not sure that he was abusive.. I feel sorry for him right now. I don't understand him. I want to comfort him.
I used to think for years that if I gave him all the love in the world he would change but it never seemed to work. (

[Lilia]

I just read a guy's thread on this forum about his college live in a dorm and got jealous. ( I want to live in a dorm too. I feel like I skipped all the best things in my youth. Like I've never been youthful.
I want to move to another country and to start my life with a blank page.

[Lilia]

I don't know if I should tell you this guys but my bf was English. He wasn't from my country...Now I feel like I have to be with an English guy again... And I miss speaking English every day...I also have troubles expressing my feelings in my native language. It is not about grammar and vocabulary. I am not even able to write a diary in my language. I have a mental block with it.

[pcmaster]

Well and I was jealous that your english is much better than mine. I spend 3 years there and here you are writting like a pro.
It could be harder to express emotions in native language cause you used to do it in english. Your brains is trained like that and russian language is havent been used for it. Its like you have to use diferent muscle to do it in native language.
You might feel that you have to date someone from same country as your ex cause thats what happens when you fall in love with people from exotic countries - diferent is better. Once you get over him these special needs will fade too.

When I lived in UK these english girls were amazing. I went to nigclubs and they offered to dance asked for sex and acted like lesbians in clubs. I thought they are much better then latvian girls, this have never happened with me in Latvia. But then again I never lived like this back home. Then I felt for polish girl and thought polish girls are most beautiful girls on the planed and they have perfect souls and hearts. Recently guy at work told me than poland is like european China - they produce lot of cheap stuff. Yuck !

So it could be your case too. Lilia all you had is this english guy and you think english is somewhat better but its not. Its just your world were small and there was nothing to compare with. Its like he was the best only because he were only one and there was no much competition.

At least now your english is great and I bet its a pleasure to listen when you speak too. You could easly go to other country(UK/ US/ Australia/ Canada/ Spain - losts of people left UK to move to Spain and live there, english is not a problem there) and start a new life.

Someone gave me this adress - they are volunteers and it can take up to a week to respond but you can write your story to them and get a caring response.
jo@samaritans.org

Btw if you write down all the bad things about your ex it will much easier to get over. Just take a piece of paper and write it for yourself. Do this everyday. Also get rid of the stuff thats reminds you about him.

[Lilia]

pcmaster, thank you very much for the link. I just looked it up and it looks professional and promising.
Your English is very good btw. Yours is probably more colloquial than mine since you have lived in the UK before.)
Wow I didn't know that English girls were that much of a hot mess!)
I guess your are right, there is something good and unique about every nation and culture. I should probably start to explore my own culture more which I somehow have abandoned due to my long crazy relationship = )
Thanks for your kind support and encouragement. )

[pcmaster]

The thing is you could do so much more if you would look for love in little things. You know if in every action that people do they would put love then this world could be a better place. The life is hidden in little things. In things like - Hello ! Goodbye, in smile and laughter. How passionate you do this is what makes your life. Happiness also comes from within. It's always a good thing to take a good care about yourself. Because basic things like eating and sleeping well is what affects emotions and helps deal with stress. Failing at these things is what makes big things impossible. It's the base of the pyramid.

You know back in past I did the same mistakes as you - stopped my life after lost girl - quit job, didn't took best care of myself and distanced from everyone. It was this heavy feeling inside that destroyed me. But I found Samaritans number and called them. Some nice old lady picked up we spoke for more than hour. I told everything that was on my chest and couldn't hold back from crying. Afterwards it felt so much easier and I know I wouldn't had these problems if there was someone to talk from beginning. The woman gave me office address and I visited it - there was a volunteer who would listen to me and we drank tea and eat cookies. I did visited office like 3-4 times a week and it was enough to stop endless fall. But life didn't get any better and I took tickets back home and just feeling of being able visit home was amazing. Havent been there like 2 years and I had only one day left to live I wanted to spend home. Fck UK, fck money, job, everything. The best things are free. And not following your heart is like living half-life.

The in the end what I want to tell you sometimes its impossible to do it alone. When life is hard keep close to friends and family. Create bonds and where is bonds there is always strenght.Believing in god is big thing too. Because if you believe that there is hell then why can't there be heaven? When you go thru hell then KEEP GOING.
Extreme results come from extreme actions.

Lilia do yo have any addictions?(Without your ex) Something that drains your energy? If you could change one thing about your life what it would be?