Why am I so unpopular with the ladies?

[Cbud92]

I believe a man must truly find himself and what he's interested in/wants out of life as well as take care of himself and respect/love himself before he can do those things to another. A girl may see that you haven't done this yet and thats what deters them.

[okwhat2013]

A few comments. For one alphas don't pick on Betas, Betas pick on other betas but all that is stupid bs that has become popular because of pick up artist crap. Men who are secure don't put other people down unless that person gets out of line and starts being disrespectful.
Also, woman do not just go for looks and money. They are actually more complex when in comes to their attraction to men. So yr lack on interest is not a life sentence

[TheEvilJester]

Uri, my friend, if not having a girlfriend doesn't bother you, then why let other people bug you about it? Do you not actually want a girlfriend, or do you just not think you can get one? If you would like a girlfriend, then you should really go for it. I mean, granted that isn't easy for guys like us, but it is the only way we will ever get over it. Start by making guy friends. Just having some friends honestly helps a great deal. It helps you prove to yourself that people actually do like you.... so maybe female people will as well. LOL!

When it comes right down to it, who gives a crap what people think. An individual person is often just fine... but fact of the matter is "people" suck in general. LOL! In the immortal words of Dr. Cox, people are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling. LOL! So, if people think you are gay, let them. Who cares? Heck... if you are gay, that is fine too. If you are straight, that is fine. Even if you are asexual, there really is nothing wrong with that. Be true to who you are. Again, I know that sounds like a line. But, I've been through this stuff too. It really is true.

FAndrews...

Definitely good advice, bro. Guys like us, the negative thoughts about ourselves are a little hard to battle. We will probably never stop thinking them. So, it isn't good advice to tell guys like us to stop thinking like that. Or to tell guys like us "If you can't love yourself, nobody else will be able to love you." To guys like us, you might as well be saying "Nobody will ever love you." The REAL advice should be not to let your negative thinking control you. We may not think very highly of ourselves, but we need to just leave that in the back of our heads and give people a chance to prove to us that THEY do think much more positive things about us. That has really worked for me. No matter how lowly I think of myself, when I have a lot of people telling me how good of a guy I am, it is hard not to realize that maybe others really do think more highly of me than I do of myself.

[Kromat83]

Evil Jester, that's great advice.
We have to love ourselves before loving someone else.
They might have it easy, but they believe in themselves and you might think that those guys are jerks, but in reality that is who they are, and act confidently about it and don't let others tell them how to act.
I personally don't go to an extreme to just hit up every woman, but if a situation arises and it seems like a time to talk, then I'll say something and sometimes I miss an opportunity, because either I am not in the mood or just in a hurry.
Ugly people to you, can still get a girl, if it doesn't effect them inside.
Most of us have a mask on to cover up inner emotions, and to an extent, we treat each other like shit before even getting to know each other and society has been fascinated with how a person looks and the modelling industry is the worst on making woman look unnatural and rubs off on the young generation.

[markspring0124]

Definitely agree with the above post.

[TheEvilJester]

Kromat,

Definitely agreed. Quite frankly, we all wear masks. Not literal masks (you know, unless you happen to be a Mexican Wrestler, or member of the band SlipKnot. LOL), but we all put on a bit of a "show" so to speak, as to who we are amongst people we don't know well. (Side note: Funny enough, being as today is Halloween, I actually have a mask with me today. Not wearing it at this very moment, but I have it here. LOL) A great exercise is to learn to take this mask off more and more... or at the very least get it a little closer to who you really are. You know, like wearing a mask of yourself. LOL!

Though, I must clarify one thing. You got one piece of my advice a little backwards. I said that you DON'T necessarily have to love yourself in order to love others, or for others to love you. You just need to at least be able not to let your bad feelings for yourself control how you act or interact with people. In other words, you have to put that negative thinking in the back of your mind and give people a chance to prove you wrong about yourself.

This is a very important point I want to get across, because I have gone through this myself. For guys with very low self-esteem, telling us that we "have to love ourselves in order for anybody else to ever love us" might as well be translated to "Nobody will ever love you." That isn't helpful advice because, when you have such a low self-esteem, it is too hard, nearly impossible even, to love yourself. Not to mention, feeling like nobody loves you is often part of the problem in the first place. So, the real attitude to have is that, if you do not think very highly of yourself, you need to make the extra effort to put that in the back of your mind and push on anyway. Once you do, you will make some friends, maybe even get some dates, and you will be able to feel a little better about yourself. You will know that, even if you don't think very much of yourself, at least there are a few people in this world who disagree with you.

In that way, for guys like us, having people who love you will actually help you to love yourself more. Not the other way around.

[tropus]

I'm probably just too ugly and poor to get affection from pretty ladies. I don't even know how to start a sentence without sounding like a loser.

I've probably never going to have a girlfriend because I'm too ugly, too poor and too cowardly.

I have not much to offer to a beautiful lady so why even bother?

In all honesty, the way you describe yourself makes you come off as some kind of professional victim. I understand that you're venting here, but if you harbor a more positive outlook on things and build up some confidence, you might lead yourself to the real problem. Tough love, man.

[RyanJames]

Uri, girls want guys as much as guys want girls. I was the same as you throughout school and early life, I even got married to a girl who turned out to be a lying, cheating, whore (really, she sold it!) and I was willing to forgive her - thats how much of a looser I was! Then I found out a lot about myself and girls. For example girls don't care about looks, they are only influenced by how much they perceive you will be able to look after and protect them. I am a 47 year old, slightly overweight, balding guy of no more than 5 foot 5 in height with average income, but last weekend I slept with three different girls (all of whom know I am having multiple relationships) who are 26, 28 and 30 years old. They all had a good time, I had a good time and no-one was hurt and we all love each other dearly and are the best of friends. You need to stop revering women as some sort of special goddess type creatures, they are just ordinary people who are as much driven by sex as men are, they just have a different take on it and generally dont understand life as much as we dont.

If you want to have more female friends, then start out by getting more female friends. Dont try to find a girlfriend at first, that puts undue pressure on your connection from the get go. Just get involved with some local activity groups and meet people who share the same passions as you, be it walking, photography, computers, whatever. Make friends with guys and girls and intend to keep them as just friends. Even if you meet a girl you start to fancy and who you think might fancy you, be resolute that you can't do anything about it for a few weeks, not even think about it. Your mission is to add a few friends to your roster, just people who you get on with. There are plenty of people out there just like you and me, in fact in the average meetup.com group you will find most of the people are just normal, ordinary people.

Good luck with that, feel free to pop back and let us know how you get on, even with specific details of interactions with other people.

[kstsdgutkrrb]

A lot of it is self esteem. If you think you are pathetic and not worthy of a girls attention, then you project that, and that is what the ladies will think. I'm not saying be some stuck-up jerk, but some self-confidence will go a long way.

[Kromat83]

I hate to keep saying it, but dancing lessons builds your self esteem around women because you need have contact with them, as you need to switch from one girl to another.
Once you put in enough effort to improve and get the compliments, we'll feel so much better about yourself, I know I do whenever it happens to me
Make a variety of friends that will set you in a positive mood and get rid of people that just hinder your progress as an individual.
I try to stay in shape, but I am not going to change myself for someone else, I have to change myself on my own and they have to accept the person that I am and if someone doesn't like me, big deal, I'll search until someone does.
I know girls like my personality, but I know it isn't right for a relationship for me right now, as I have things to work on myself and further my career, so mainly friends and hobbies will do for now.
You need to be in the right mindset and know what path you want to take before making decisions to settle down with someone.

[TheEvilJester]

Some good advice coming at you here, and I have to fully agree. Especially with the latest couple of posts above me. I am highly in agreement with the sentiment that it is good to start off first by making friends. Both male and female, just start to get involved in some hobbies and stuff that you like where it is likely there will be other like-minded people there to have fun as well. You will meet new people, make friends, and have fun. All the while, without the pressure of thinking of it as an excuse to find women, you will be able to just relax and be yourself.

Take it from a guy who has been through it. That actually does really help. When you can set aside and ignore all your negative thoughts about yourself and just have fun with people, you will see that some people actually do enjoy your company. That really goes a long way in helping to build your confidence. I've said this before many times, and I am sure I will say it many times again.... I know that sounds like just something people say, but I am living, breathing proof that it is true. (Well, the breathing part is debatable considering this darn cold I can't fully shake. Mostly gone at this point, but still just hanging in there.) I have always, my whole life, been extremely shy. I've have also always had little or no self-esteem. I've been through it, and I have slowly improved little by little. For guys like us, it will always be a daily struggle, but there are things that can help, as many of the folks here have shared.

[FAndrews]

You need to focus on the things that are going well in your life rather than the negatives because they will drag you down (believe me from personal experience they will) ; and if you focus on the positives they will give you confidence and begin seeping into the other parts of your life. this method seems to be working for me at the moment.

[nicko3371]

Be confident and dont think about finding someone so bad, just relax, good luck

[RyanJames]

One thing that works for me, when I actually go out to meet people and find that I can't get into the swing of it, is that I speak to the staff. The waiters, waitresses, door staff, reception, wherever I happen to be, I open a good chat with the staff. In the sort of places I go they are duty bound to be friendly, so it is impossible to get rejected and I push it to see how personal I can get with them. Its like a little game I play with myself - they jus think Im being friendly. Having just one or two conversations with strangers, gives me a confidence boos like you would not believe and I can then tackle strangers where there is a risk of rejection - you know, like actual girls

[RobertWQ]

My suggestion is to start working out in the gym if you don't already. Lifting weights can do a lot for your confidence, your overall well-being, your appeal to women, and your ability to come across as more masculine and assertive to men. Like all worthwhile things it requires some work and stick-to-it-ness but I think it could have a beneficial effect on your life.