Why can't I stop being such a romantic?!

[basilandthyme]

I've been reading this thread with interest. I'm wondering if you would be interested in some observations from someone who has a different approach to the world.

First, you've all been discussing "treating people how you'd like to be treated". Have you ever considered that this is flawed logic? Why is it flawed? Because we're not all the same and we all want different things in life. Sure, everyone talks about wanting to be loved and respected - but if you break these concepts down, the definitions will vary from person to person. For example, look at the five love languages: one person may show love through physical contact but their partner shows love via compliments.

I would suggest that "treat people how THEY want to be treated" is a far better path to a good relationship. Of course, you must only accept appropriate behaviour in return.

Also, there's been discussion about being a 'pleaser'. Do you know that this whole pleasing thing can go too far and end up incredibly boring? I know my hubby dumped the woman before me because she was too much a 'pleaser' and I know I couldn't date someone like that either.

Thing is, it's lovely for you to say "you've had such a busy week, let me take you to dinner at x this weekend". But if you're the type of pleaser who only wants to do what makes me happy, then it's too much. You see, I want someone who has opinions, even if those opinions are different to mine. I want to have give and take. I want someone who will say "no" to me. I want someone who can plan and make decisions without deferring to what may make me happy. Most of all, I don't want to hear "whatever makes you happy dear".

In short, it's lovely to make someone happy....but not at the expense of your own opinions, wants and needs. Then you just become really dull.

[FAndrews]

Thanks for that, that does make a lot of sense, its nice to hear an alternative opinion on this and i find it quite useful, definitely food for thought.

[TheEvilJester]

Basil,

I certainly cannot speak for my fellow pleasers, but I sure as Hell am not a "pleaser" to the extreme you are describing above. If you know anybody who is, I sure as heck feel pretty damn sorry for them. LOL! Who the heck is not capable of having their own opinions? I, for one, do tend to put other people's first (you know, people close to me, anyway), but I am also still capable of having my own opinion, and saying "No" when needed. I don't think I could stand somebody like that either.

Or you know what is even worse? Fake pleasers. What is that? Somebody who pretends to go out of their way to make you happy (let you do what you want, or whatever) but you can tell they aren't sincere in it. For example, you are going to watch a movie and ask what they want to watch. They say whatever you want. When you press, they insist, so you pick something. Then, they very obviously have absolutely zero interest in even giving your movie a try. ...So why didn't you just pick something when I asked you so maybe we'd both enjoy it?! ARRGH! LOL!

I do think your "treat others how THEY wanted to be treated" is very good and unique advice. Thank you for that. ;-) That is really cool, actually. Never thought of that,

[basilandthyme]

Glad you're not a pleaser to the degree I described above. May I throw another word out there? "Thoughtful".

Rather than being a 'pleaser' (which can have negative connotations), I wonder if you are simply 'thoughtful. It may be semantics, but semantics can make a difference to perception.

[Jimlin000]

Love has grown and spread like a benevolent disease within your heart and soul!

[TheEvilJester]

Glad you're not a pleaser to the degree I described above. May I throw another word out there? "Thoughtful".

Rather than being a 'pleaser' (which can have negative connotations), I wonder if you are simply 'thoughtful. It may be semantics, but semantics can make a difference to perception.

Thoughtful is actually probably a better way to describe it. Thank you. I like that.

By the way, Jimlin,

I like the way you worded that. LOL!

[bessieb]

I don't know how many of these replies are from girls but to the men replying, there are plenty of us girls that love romance and I wish more men were able to show, feel and share romance the way you guys are on this thread. I love romance, giving love and getting it back, there is no greater feeling in the world in my opinion. I'm a head over heels kind of girl and think that feeling that comes with love is just amazing.

[FAndrews]

It is like a disease just got to find someone to spread it to! and yes thoughtful is much better way of describing it than 'pleaser' as I'm often described as a thoughtful person

[TablesandChairs]

You don't have to stop being a romantic, the right woman will appreciate the romance. You may want to curb the idealization, though. You know how in some movies, they make a mockery of the woman who has met a guy for all of 10 minutes and it already imagining the wedding? She's not in love with him, she doesn't know much about him (other than the fact that he's 'cute' or 'hot') - she's in love with the idea.

Problem with that, for me, is that's it's not particularly genuine...it's like the fantasy takes center stage and the woman is just dropped 'into' the scene. Rather, try meeting someone first, get to know them...and then drop the romance into that scene, rather than vice versa. If that makes sense?

Being thoughtful is a great trait...a 'pleaser' just sounds like some sort of fetish. For example, I couldn't go see a movie that I knew my partner had no interest in. I wouldn't enjoy it...instead, we find mutually enjoyable movies. If there's some crappy horror I want to watch (which he hates), I do so without him. I don't think I'm a pleaser as such, just considerate.

Some of the best and most romantic love poetry has been written by poets who experienced a deep/meaningful love for someone...that's when romance goes from cheesy to truly touching. Their feelings for someone created the romance, rather than the other way around.

[TheEvilJester]

Bessie, you are totally like my girl bro here. LOL! You sound a lot like me. Join our little club of romantics here in this thread. :-) Join us! Join us!!! JOIN US!!!! LOL! Anyways, I truly do hope to some day find the girl who appreciates that side of me, and gives it right back.

You don't have to stop being a romantic, the right woman will appreciate the romance. You may want to curb the idealization, though. You know how in some movies, they make a mockery of the woman who has met a guy for all of 10 minutes and it already imagining the wedding? She's not in love with him, she doesn't know much about him (other than the fact that he's 'cute' or 'hot') - she's in love with the idea.

Problem with that, for me, is that's it's not particularly genuine...it's like the fantasy takes center stage and the woman is just dropped 'into' the scene. Rather, try meeting someone first, get to know them...and then drop the romance into that scene, rather than vice versa. If that makes sense?

Being thoughtful is a great trait...a 'pleaser' just sounds like some sort of fetish. For example, I couldn't go see a movie that I knew my partner had no interest in. I wouldn't enjoy it...instead, we find mutually enjoyable movies. If there's some crappy horror I want to watch (which he hates), I do so without him. I don't think I'm a pleaser as such, just considerate.

Some of the best and most romantic love poetry has been written by poets who experienced a deep/meaningful love for someone...that's when romance goes from cheesy to truly touching. Their feelings for someone created the romance, rather than the other way around.

TablesandChairs,

You definitely make some great points. I can't speak for any of my fellow romantics, but I've also always been bizarrely realistic about it. In other words, because of the romantic in me, I can't help but feel in my heart like every crush I have, or even every girl I notice for one reason or another could be "the one." However, it isn't like I obsessively think they actually ARE the one. Hypothetical situation, say I got a crush on a girl, actually got up the nerve to ask her out, she said yes, we hit it off, etc. etc. My heart would, I'm sure, be screaming "SHE'S THE ONE! THIS IS GREAT!" But my head would know that I can't put the cart ahead of the horse, so to speak. So, I would take things appropriately slowly.

And, happily, I can say that is 100% true from experience. As far as my mistake of a marriage goes, long story short, she either was or pretended to be somebody 100% different from who she was in our marriage. So, back when we started as friends, by the time we started dating, we were so much in love that it felt like she was "the one." Not too long after we started dating, we felt like we were practically married, that is how sure we were. Even so, my method of thinking has always been, if it is truly meant to be, then in time I will only fele it even more so. So, no harm in waiting a little while. Hence, we were actually together for around 3 years before I actually popped the question. Why? Because in my head I knew that if it was truly meant to be, nothing would change if I gave it time. But, what if I rushed things only to find out later that it was a mistake?

Of course, there are no guarantees in life, hence why I am still where I am now. Though, honestly, I thank God every day that I am out of that relationship now. Now, some day I just hope to find my true soulmate.

[basilandthyme]

I can't speak for any of my fellow romantics, but I've also always been bizarrely realistic about it. In other words, because of the romantic in me, I can't help but feel in my heart like every crush I have, or even every girl I notice for one reason or another could be "the one." However, it isn't like I obsessively think they actually ARE the one. Hypothetical situation, say I got a crush on a girl, actually got up the nerve to ask her out, she said yes, we hit it off, etc. etc. My heart would, I'm sure, be screaming "SHE'S THE ONE! THIS IS GREAT!" But my head would know that I can't put the cart ahead of the horse, so to speak. So, I would take things appropriately slowly.

Jester, are you aware that what you've describe above is what the majority of people feel in a new relationship? You've just described the honeymoon stage perfectly. But you also have the sense to temper that excitement till you know what is real and what isn't.

I'm not seeing anything unusual about you at all.

[HeartIsAching]

What's wrong with being a romantic? It just means that when you do meet your 'one and only', you'll be blissfully happy.

And yeah as JenAlexisLuv said, you do need to get over your fear of asking. You can't win if you don't play.

[FlaCooln]

I've been reading this thread with interest. I'm wondering if you would be interested in some observations from someone who has a different approach to the world.

First, you've all been discussing "treating people how you'd like to be treated". Have you ever considered that this is flawed logic? Why is it flawed? Because we're not all the same and we all want different things in life. Sure, everyone talks about wanting to be loved and respected - but if you break these concepts down, the definitions will vary from person to person. For example, look at the five love languages: one person may show love through physical contact but their partner shows love via compliments.

I would suggest that "treat people how THEY want to be treated" is a far better path to a good relationship. Of course, you must only accept appropriate behaviour in return.

Also, there's been discussion about being a 'pleaser'. Do you know that this whole pleasing thing can go too far and end up incredibly boring? I know my hubby dumped the woman before me because she was too much a 'pleaser' and I know I couldn't date someone like that either.

Thing is, it's lovely for you to say "you've had such a busy week, let me take you to dinner at x this weekend". But if you're the type of pleaser who only wants to do what makes me happy, then it's too much. You see, I want someone who has opinions, even if those opinions are different to mine. I want to have give and take. I want someone who will say "no" to me. I want someone who can plan and make decisions without deferring to what may make me happy. Most of all, I don't want to hear "whatever makes you happy dear".

In short, it's lovely to make someone happy....but not at the expense of your own opinions, wants and needs. Then you just become really dull.

Well that is just logical. I always try to put myself in the other person's shoes and I think about not just about what I want, but what my GF would want. Plus, I may be a pleaser but I damn sure have an opinion (I'm quite an outspoken guy actually) and make my feelings known. My problem has never been keeping women interested, my problem is finding someone to keep me interested. Just so many shallow people out there that lack substance or are just plain damaged. But, I remain positive none the less and I'm sure there is a good woman out there for me.

[TheEvilJester]

Jester, are you aware that what you've describe above is what the majority of people feel in a new relationship? You've just described the honeymoon stage perfectly. But you also have the sense to temper that excitement till you know what is real and what isn't.

I'm not seeing anything unusual about you at all.

Ummm..... Okay....

How about this....

I have loud arguments with the voices while in public. I insist on starting every single sentence with the phrase "As I heard on Oprah..." I once wrestled a bear to submission to save the lives of countless campers.... until I realized it had been a tree all along. (Was wondering why I was getting such strange looks for my heroics.) I took the song "I Believe I Can Fly" a little too literally. Luckily, I was okay and no injuries.... but I can't say the same for the poor fellow who broke my fall. :-(

LOL! So... as you can probably guess, most of that is not true. What is true is that I have a very bizarre sense of humor, and simply could not resist that easy target. LOL!

[FAndrews]

Don't worry mate, there is no such thing as a normal person in my opinion, we all have our quirks some more than others, weird is good!