Need some reasonable advice!!! Please help!

[Riyko]

I agree with everyone else, but I do have to add the first time you asked to see her phone is the moment you lost trust in her. A relationship without trust is nothing, i'd say move on. Then again if it was me and a guy I was dating asked to see my phone, he'd be gone.

[Cbud92]

Hey guys, first of all I'd like to sincerely thank everyone for offering up their 2 cents.. It really means a lot to me.

I agree that it really does feel like shes stomping all over me with this.. after I read all the posts I decided it was time for me to take charge.

I've always been the type of guy to put her first, with literally, everything. I would almost always put my own feelings aside if it meant she'd be comfortable and happy. Even if we got in a fight about something that I felt bad about emotionally.. If I felt like I couldn't win the argument, I would just agree with her and let go of my own feelings..

Well, that ended today.. I finally stood up for myself, so let me update you guys on what I did..

I confronted her when I felt she was very calm and happy with the conversation. I told her that I was thinking a lot about how I felt about her talking to this guy while I was in class and I realized that I was being taken advantage of. I told her that I felt uncomfortable and disrespected by the -nature- of her friendship with this guy. I said that I don't want to have to MAKE her stop talking to what is seemingly and quite literally her only friend but I had to stick up for myself and my own feelings this time. I said that although a part of me wants to just "forget" about this guy and her talking to him in order to make her happy.. I simply could not and my only choice is to ask her to seize the friendship with him and stop talking to him.

She reacted first by saying that she felt really awful that I felt she was walking all over me. She then told me that she wants me to be happy and not have to be uncomfortable or worry about her texting/talking to him and that she would always choose me over her friendship with him ANY day..

I told her this really meant a lot to me that she felt that way and that I would try and make this as easy as possible for her, also I made it clear that it wasn't easy for me to ask her to give up her only current friend because of the way I felt.. I couldn't help to feel guilty for that but I simply had to put an end to it for my own psychological sake.

SOOOOO she agreed and deleted his contact from her phone and since then hasn't been responding to his texts. He tried reaching her on Tumblr, asking why she was ignoring him. She replied and said that she was going through some issues and he was the center of those issues.. He responded by saying he hated being any sort of burden to her or cause problems with her and me (He knows we're together). She said to him (and me) that she honestly was very upset with the idea of not being able to talk to him because she felt he was one of her only friends.. but she wants to make me feel better and that this was the only way.

Anyway, thats pretty much where we're at now guys... She does mention to me a lot that this whole thing does suck, that she would like to still talk to him but not have me upset. She understands that it does make me feel disrespected and uncomfortable but she wishes it didn't.

I feel like she is very willing to go through with this for my sake because she loves and cares about me.. but it is definitely a really tough process for her (she admitted).

Whaddya guys/gals think?


Note: I've known her for a long while (8 yrs)(dating for 7).. I'm 100% confident that she would do anything to make me happy and that the relationship with this guy isn't just because she needs to "get off" because they share the same kinks/fetishes.. because her and I also share those things. She just likes having a friend to talk to about it as well and not just me.

[Boisdevie]

Sounds like you've handled things in a pretty mature way. And it's good that she seems to have agreed with your wishes. That said, what's worrying is that she didn't realise what she was doing was not appropriate and that you had to point this out to her. Will she stick to what she's said? Only time will tell. Good luck but I think you'll have to monitor whether she does stick to the agreement.

[Valixy]

Explain to her that she can share everything with you and even share details about her fetish anonymously online (if she needs it so badly) without developing a personal relationship with people, or she can consult a sex therapist, etc., but she cannot let herself getting attached emotionally and sexually to another guy, which is why cutting contact with him is a ''really tough process for her'' now.

It's just common sense really and she should be able to get it. Also to understand that this has been hurting you and that she needs to get some self control of her sexual energies because venturing them outside your relationship like she did was low class and very selfish. Maybe she's lost her sense of reality a bit, or she's just trying to manipulate you when she says that she wishes she could still talk to him, but your sense of reality is in its place, what she did is unacceptable and you'll have to learn to stand for your feelings a bit longer, imo.

[DalM0m]

If she finally put you 1st, then I'd say you are on solid ground again.

[michelle23]

Her relationship with this guy is not a friendship, it is an online affair. She has become emotionally and sexually attached to him, infatuated and a little obsessed which is why she was selfish, spoke to him every day and pretended it was "no big deal" overlooking your feelings and pretending it doesn't affect your relationship. She was in denial.

I think you should be aware of the potential risk and damage this could cause to your relationship if she doesnt keep away from this "friend". She will be tempted to contact him in secret so be aware of that. I dont think your little chat was firm enough and she should be aware of the consequences of carrying on her little fling. You should tell her in mo uncertain terms that you and her will be finished if she ever gets this close to a guy again. Also ask her to research emotional affairs so she is fully aware of what she has done.

Dont just brush this under the rug. Your not in the clear yet and you both have work to do to save your relationship. If there is anything missing (romance, intimacy, quality time, communication etc) then you should be working on fixing it now. It may also be s good idea to buy some books that you can both read such as "how to avoid affairs" or "saving your relationship" etc

im not trying to scare you but this is a red flag and you need to be aware that she may continue to talk to him discretely because these affairs can be addictive. Its an escape from real life, an unhealthy distraction from all the stresses and strains which can delude people so bad that when they finally come back down to earth-they only realize then the destruction and pain they have caused. Communication is vital and a few sessions of couples counselling may do you the world of good

best of luck

[Nicgianni1]

Unless all three of you are into a three some, this will not work. Typically relationships are between two people. (I know in today's commie world it can be anything.) But, two people is the key for a long term relationship, at least for me. This guy is a third wheel and he has GOT TO GO. Tell her it is either you or him. She is not being fair to you. Put the shoe on the other foot and ask how she would feel if you did this to her. Good luck.

[phish]

You have to be ready to leave her mentally, then let her know clearly that you feel this way - directly and confidently. If you've been together for 7 years, I'd assume you haven't had many experiences like this to set the rules when this kind of shit happens. So now's the time to do that.

Get clear about what you want. Do you have any other potential girls? Are you high-value enough that you can find another partner after her? Hopefully the answer is yes. If not, make them yes. It may take a few months, during which you should try to keep talking to her directly. And if shit hits the fan, you'll have moved on mentally.

[lover145]

u must approach her about it man. its not right for her to RP with other men if shes in a relationship.