Marriage Problems

[Cpl9183]

I joined this forum to get advise on what to do about my husband making excuses for why we can't have a baby. I will start from the beginning so that you know the whole story.
My husband has known from the beginning of our relationship that I have wanted a baby. At first he told me that he wanted to get married before we had any children so I waited and we finally got married this past May. I brought up the subject again a couple months later and he thought I tricked him in marrying him just so I could have a baby and that's not what I did. I love my husband very much and don't know what I would do without him. I haven't brought up having a baby in months but have made some small comments about babies. He seems to ignore them and acts like he doesn't care. When I first brought up having a baby he went to his mom (which is not a problem with me except that she is two-faced) and his friend ( who got his gf pregnant and then decided to give advise) and they told him that they didn't think it was the right time to have a baby for us, that we should wait. He went with this advise and has suck to it. Now that we are moving into a bigger place and have enough money to have baby ( more reasons he told of why not to have baby). He makes up new excuses of why not like the economy and that I'm working and we would be out of my paycheck for 6 weeks while I recovered from having the baby. I have looked into what needs to happen after that 6 weeks like daycare or having a family member look after the baby while I'm at work. He says he wants children but acts like he doesn't. I'm dealing with wanting a baby by myself and it's getting harder since I work in a restaurant that is a buffet. We all know that pregnant women love buffets and I have this jealousy toward them and I don't mean to have it. I just want to have a baby. I have had a this want since I miscarried my daughter at 16.
Should I bring it up before we move or after? Please don't judge me I have dealt with this for years and lately this has gotten overwhelming.

[DalM0m]

If you really want children, you have to start thinking like an adult & a parent. Why do you want kids? If it's just because you suffered a tragic loss years ago, is that really enough? For what it's worth, I am sorry that you lost that child; I can only imagine how painful that must have been.

Why not look at this logically even though it's an inherently emotional issue?

Take 2 sheets of papers & fold them in half long ways.

On the first write: Reasons to start a family now. Underneath that heading list all the reasons in the left hand column.

One the 2nd write: Reasons he wants to wait. (list the excuses he's been giving you). If you think he's open to the discussion (& I don't think so), have him write this list. Then you need to counter every single argument. For example if he says you need more space, point out that you are moving to a bigger place. If he says you two don't have enough in savings to survive 6 weeks while you are not getting paid, find a way to come up with 6 weeks of savings in cash in the bank before you even conceive.

Once you have your points marshalled, sit down & discuss it with him. Part of him may simply be scared that he's not ready to be the provider for a family. It's a huge responsibility.

Let me weigh in here though on the money side. If you two can't survive financially without 6 weeks of your pay, you have absolutely no business having a baby. I wouldn't even consider bringing a new life into this world unless I had an emergency fund of at least 6 month to a year of living expenses, meaning that you could survive without a change in lifestyle while having absolutely no money coming in. Seriously, what if there is a complication with your pregnancy & you need more than 6 weeks off? Then what? God forbid that you have a special needs child who requires 24/7 care? How will you cope with that? No offense but I can't imagine that a waitress in a buffet restaurant has the best health insurance, Obamacare notwithstanding. How are you going to pay for baby furniture, clothes & diapers? Decent commercial daycare will most likely cost more than you make a week at as waitress. (I'm not knocking the hard work done by food service workers but I am saying you have to be practical.) If you make $50 - $100 per day in tips & work 5 days per week, you probably average $400 per week. At least around here, daycare starts at $500 per week, plus tax & miscellaneous expenses. Even if a family member cares for your baby at no cost, its; only fair that you chip in for food or give that person something by way of thank you.

In all candor I think you are in love with precious little bundles of a joy but you are such a dreamer that you have absolutely no idea how much it costs or what the sacrifices required to have a baby are. It's great to want to be a mom. If you have that much desire to be one, on a love scale you will probably be fantastic but don't you think the greatest gift you could give you child would be stability -- both financially and emotionally?

Good luck.

[HeartIsAching]

How old are you? How long have you been married?

[smackie9]

He has ligitmate exuses, but I wouldn't call them excuses but concerns....it is best ti have proper planning, so why not get together and work on a budget. Figure out the expenditures, like your time off, diapers, baby's room, clothing, daycare, etc. Then once you get the figures, start putting money away in a seperate bank account. Then you can estimate when the time is right.

Anyways the more you push the more apprehensive he's going to get. You need to change your approach, by not being so desperate, and make it both your decision. Enjoy married life for a year or two and start saving your money.

[smackie9]

How old are you? How long have you been married?

Since this May.......ya I'm curious about the age too.

[Cpl9183]

If you really want children, you have to start thinking like an adult & a parent. Why do you want kids? If it's just because you suffered a tragic loss years ago, is that really enough? For what it's worth, I am sorry that you lost that child; I can only imagine how painful that must have been.

Why not look at this logically even though it's an inherently emotional issue?

Take 2 sheets of papers & fold them in half long ways.

On the first write: Reasons to start a family now. Underneath that heading list all the reasons in the left hand column.

One the 2nd write: Reasons he wants to wait. (list the excuses he's been giving you). If you think he's open to the discussion (& I don't think so), have him write this list. Then you need to counter every single argument. For example if he says you need more space, point out that you are moving to a bigger place. If he says you two don't have enough in savings to survive 6 weeks while you are not getting paid, find a way to come up with 6 weeks of savings in cash in the bank before you even conceive.

Once you have your points marshalled, sit down & discuss it with him. Part of him may simply be scared that he's not ready to be the provider for a family. It's a huge responsibility.

Let me weigh in here though on the money side. If you two can't survive financially without 6 weeks of your pay, you have absolutely no business having a baby. I wouldn't even consider bringing a new life into this world unless I had an emergency fund of at least 6 month to a year of living expenses, meaning that you could survive without a change in lifestyle while having absolutely no money coming in. Seriously, what if there is a complication with your pregnancy & you need more than 6 weeks off? Then what? God forbid that you have a special needs child who requires 24/7 care? How will you cope with that? No offense but I can't imagine that a waitress in a buffet restaurant has the best health insurance, Obamacare notwithstanding. How are you going to pay for baby furniture, clothes & diapers? Decent commercial daycare will most likely cost more than you make a week at as waitress. (I'm not knocking the hard work done by food service workers but I am saying you have to be practical.) If you make $50 - $100 per day in tips & work 5 days per week, you probably average $400 per week. At least around here, daycare starts at $500 per week, plus tax & miscellaneous expenses. Even if a family member cares for your baby at no cost, its; only fair that you chip in for food or give that person something by way of thank you.

In all candor I think you are in love with precious little bundles of a joy but you are such a dreamer that you have absolutely no idea how much it costs or what the sacrifices required to have a baby are. It's great to want to be a mom. If you have that much desire to be one, on a love scale you will probably be fantastic but don't you think the greatest gift you could give you child would be stability -- both financially and emotionally?

Good luck.

We are financially ready because I'm not a waitress. I m what they call a line server I don't make tips I have an hourly rate of pay. I have good health insurance from his job that's not obamacare. I'm emotionally ready. I just don't see what is holding him back I have thought everything through. We make enough to give the child everything he or she could want and need.

[Cpl9183]

How old are you? How long have you been married?

I'm 22 and he's 30 and we got married in May but have been talking about this for a couple years

[HeartIsAching]

22, and married since May? Holy shit girl, you're pushing way too fast. You've got plenty of time.

[4 ratties]

I would tell him you will wait another year or two and if he still doesn't want one then maybe consider a divorce. Being a mom is very important to you and if your partner doesn't want the same thing then u are not compatible. You don't want to have a baby with a guy that doesn't want one. It would probably cause lots of conflict and he may resent you or pull away from you, then u would be a single mother on your own. The best decision for your baby is to have it when the father is ready as well and if this guy isn't going to be ready for many years to come, then I don't know how this could be a happy marriage.

[smackie9]

ya give it 3 or 4 years.... Being a parent is not easy and I have a feeling he wants you to mature a bit before jumping into a parent role.

[smackie9]

Well obviously things were not properly discussed as to "when" "how many" "how many years apart" etc. before getting married.

My spidey senses are telling me there maybe a need for a marriage couselor in the near future.

[DalM0m]

We are financially ready because I'm not a waitress. I m what they call a line server I don't make tips I have an hourly rate of pay. I have good health insurance from his job that's not obamacare. I'm emotionally ready. I just don't see what is holding him back I have thought everything through. We make enough to give the child everything he or she could want and need.

That's good to hear but if your husband is saying that you two can't afford to go without your pay check for 6 weeks, how is that financially ready & how does that enable you to give a child everything he or she could want?

Have you given any thought to my suggestion that you respond to his reasons logically?

I understand you want a child but there is more to it than that. What if he's just not emotionally ready? Taking on the responsibility for being the provider & the dad can be scary for some men.

[Paul07]

Does he have any children from his first marriage?

[Cpl9183]

He has no children from his first marriage. They didn't know if she could even get pregnant.

[bluesummer]

You guys JUST got married. Maybe he wants to take some time to enjoy your marriage or at least make sure its stable enough to bring a child into the world? Having a child is not just about money. I don't think it's something to want to FORCE on him if he doesn't feel he is ready for it, which is doesn't sound like he is......right NOW. That doesn't mean he doesn't want kids at some point. Forcing these sorts of very big decisions in a relationship can lead to resentment and breakdown of the marriage later on. Build your marriage FIRST. This takes time.
It almost seems to me like having children is more important to you than your marriage. Don't you want to spend a few years enjoying your time with your husband? Honestly, I adore mine and I love it being just the two of us. I'm not yet ready to shift my attention away from him and onto a child because they DO become your centre of focus once they come around. You're so young. I know it's important to you to have kids, but you have soooo much time yet, honestly.