Is there any more to relationships than sex?

[RyanJames]

I am beginning to think that the only reason we get together and have romantic love relationships is sex. We are as a race supposed to re-produce, it is in our nature. So clearly re-production is a built in, instinctive behaviour and if it were not for the rules imposed on us by our society, then we would all be running around shagging all over the place. When you look at the building blocks of a relationship, we have friendship and companionship, we can even love someone in a plutonic relationship, as a friend. It is only when we have sex with someone that it is considered anything more than a friendship, so the only difference between a friendship and a romantic love type relationship, is sex.

Can anyone tell me if there is any more to it, for them? Is there anything that happens in a romantic love relationship apart from sex, that would not happen in a regular close friendship?

[basilandthyme]

When I compare the friendships I have vs the relationship with my husband, there are a load of differences aside from sex.

1. I want to spend more time in the company of my husband than I do with my friends
2. I have greater emotional intimacy with my husband than with my friends
3. I rarely get tired of my husband's company, but I get tired of my friends relatively quickly
4. My husband and I have a closer sense of humour than I have with my friends
5. I don't look at my friends and feel love for them
6. If any of my close friends died, I'd be terribly sad and miss them. But if my husband died, I'd be devastated

Should I continue?

I'm thinking that you've never been in a successful romantic relationship - would I be right?

[RyanJames]

Thanks for the feedback B&T, if you have more it would be most interesting. With all those things going for him I can see why you would want to spend time with him, can I ask how long you have been together, how long you have been married and if you have any kids please? I am interested in how you define "successful" romantic relationship. I have had several that have lasted between 3-8 years and been happy in them for the most part so I would consider those as successful. Apart from the breaking up bit, obviously

[Silent Siren]

Hi RyanJames,

I wondered that a time or two before. But as I have gotten older I realized that no, it's not just about sex or reproducing. Humans have such a unique view of the world as well as a conscious realization of our own place in it (that other animals either don't have or we haven't figured out that they do have). I think that what survives after the initial intensity of attraction when you meet someone new and start dating is the real relationship. At some point in time, we all long to have someone around who serves as a witness to our lives. You just find someone who annoys you a little less than everyone else and build a life with them.

[Mpangan]

I think sex is a big difference between our romantic relationships and our platonic relationships forsure, but it's funny; my partner and I conceded pretty early on that sex wasn't going to be a big deal. Basically to have "no pressure sex". And it's awesome.

We're business partners and friends underneath the intimacy. And without that, we would just be two people who had no pressure sex. But sex is still a powerful thing, as a woman, I give something of myself when I open to sex with my partner. It's basically one of the most vulnerable positions we can be in. So without that partnership that supports that sex, sex would be un-gratifying.

For me a successful relationship does not matter on the time spent in it, although it definitely helps. But for us, it has been having the will power from both us to continually work towards becoming our best selves, which inturn makes us work towards a better relationship together. There is always something to discuss and over the years, we've gotten better at communicating and communicating the RIGHT things. It was difficult, but one of the most powerful things in that process was to set aside our ego and think about our partner, our relationship.

Alot of the time, we think about "what about me" which too selfish to survive in a long term and successful relationship. I realized we're in a relationship FOR each other, I don't have to worry about me, when my partner does that me; and I for him. So that way, it's a true partnership. Sometimes we fall out of balance, but then we talk about it candidly without any hidden agendas and get back on track. We let go of our ego and move on to be better together. Sometimes it feels like a daily practice, sometimes it's second nature.

[HeartIsAching]

When I compare the friendships I have vs the relationship with my husband, there are a load of differences aside from sex.

1. I want to spend more time in the company of my husband than I do with my friends
2. I have greater emotional intimacy with my husband than with my friends
3. I rarely get tired of my husband's company, but I get tired of my friends relatively quickly
4. My husband and I have a closer sense of humour than I have with my friends
5. I don't look at my friends and feel love for them
6. If any of my close friends died, I'd be terribly sad and miss them. But if my husband died, I'd be devastated

Should I continue?

I'm thinking that you've never been in a successful romantic relationship - would I be right?

You pretty much nailed it, BnT.

My wife is my favorite person in the whole world. I could spend all day, every day with her. There isn't a female on the globe I'd trade her for. Are some prettier? Sexier? Thinner? Younger? Sure... but they're not my B______. They'd be like soy... a substitute for the real thing.

I disagree though about not feeling love for my friends - I do. Not the same kind or the same depth of love, but I do love my friends.

[xkandakex]

"...the only difference between a friendship and a romantic love type relationship, is sex."

I'd have to wholeheartedly disagree with this. I've met several asexual people (they do exist) in steadfast, emotionally deep romantic relationships. These people have no biological, emotional or psychological desire to perform any sort of reproductive act. To call their intimate relationships "only friendships" would be insulting.

Regarding the rest of us 'breeders', there is certainly a difference between a sex-based relationship and a love-based one. Once you've had both, you'll be able to figure out the difference real quick.

[basilandthyme]

can I ask how long you have been together, how long you have been married and if you have any kids please? I am interested in how you define "successful" romantic relationship. I have had several that have lasted between 3-8 years and been happy in them for the most part so I would consider those as successful. Apart from the breaking up bit, obviously

We've been together for 21 years. Not officially married (our defacto status has legal recognition). Have two kids: a 14yo daughter and a 16yo son. Our son has autism and an intellectual disability which will statistically end 8:10 marriages - so I reckon we've done really well to survive that.

How to define 'successful' relationship? For starters, I think one would expect to love their partner way above and beyond regular friends.

[basilandthyme]

I disagree though about not feeling love for my friends - I do. Not the same kind or the same depth of love, but I do love my friends.

I think my explanation came out wrong. I do love my friends, but I don't sometimes gaze at them and think about how much I love them...which I do do with my husband.

[VincenzoG91]

If it was just about sex, there wouldn't be relationships. Hanging out with a sex partner with who you otherwise lacked a connection would probably be tedious during those lengthy gaps between the actual sex. People would just hook up with random available strangers and then quickly move on. And everybody would be raised by single moms.

[smackie9]

You can have one without the other. Some would rather be sexually active in a relationship, some are OK with it without a relationship. There are f uck buddies, FWB, one night stands, booty calls. Sex can make things weird, sex can make things complex, and sex can make things wonderful.

As for romantic love/sex.....it's layers of many things like respect, compatibility, sharing, caring, needing and wanting. There is no one simple answer.....

[FAndrews]

I would consider sex the bonus or one of the perks of a good romantic relationship in my opinion.

[RyanJames]

Thanks so much for your valuable input B&T, wow 21 years, that is some going - congrats. I want to know your secrets lol Can I ask a few more probing questions please? The things I am interested in are - Had you had many relationships before you met your husband? Have you had your fair share of arguments or has it been plain sailing in terms of how you get along? Have you ever gotten close to breaking up and why? How much of an influencing factor on you two sticking together have the kids been (or not)? and finally, how have you managed to keep from getting noted with the same person both psychologically and sexually for 21 years? I realise these are direct questions and I am hoping the anonymity of the forum will allow you to provide a candid response, however I will completely understand if anything I have asked is a bit too personal.

[RyanJames]

Hi SS, I really like that concept of someone as a witness to our lives and tied in with what B&T said about having a greater emotional intimacy with her husband, the concept of having someone who you are totally emotionally at one with in every possible way for a long period of your life, is hugely appealing. I can almost feel the emotional bond between me and the imaginary person who fills this role! I would never want to leave them. My feeling is that is is pretty rare that we meet people with whom we can find such a connection - would you agree or is it just me

[RyanJames]

Hi Megan,

Thanks for an enlightening response, but could you go a little further for me and describe what "no pressure sex" is please. It is not a term I have heard before and whilst I dont particularly feel under any pressure when I am sexually engaged with another person, I would be interested in your more detailed description.

I very much like the concept of setting ego aside, I have worked on this personally (with some readings into Buddhism attached) and can safely say that my ego has no hold over me any more and it is a great freedom. Putting this into the frame of a relationship shines as an important guiding principle in two people being able to relate successfully at an emotionally intimate level over a ling period of time. I think it is one of the elusive secrets

Can I ask you if you have taken any specific steps (like date nights or swinging to pick two diametrically opposed examples!) to keep the emotion and physical sides alive?

Naturally, if this is too personal, then I appreciate that you may wish not to respond.