Follow-up - Tangible proof, I am starting to work on my shyness :-D

[TheEvilJester]

(As always seems to be the case with me, this got longer than I intended. LOL! See below for a too long, didn't read (tl;dr) summary if you want to comment, but don't have the time and/or patience to read my novel. LOL!)

I wasn't sure where this was most appropriate since it is more an update on my story, and not so much a request for advice. Though, I figured it belongs best here, since it is sort of advice in and of itself, not to mention proof of applying advice many of you have given me here.

So, as I have mentioned on here, not too long ago I got out of a bad relationship. I am getting very close to a time in my life when I am ready to get back out there and date. Problem is, I have always been insanely shy, and never really learned to get over that.

I have been contemplating that a lot, pondering upon how best to start trying to get over my shyness. One piece of advice I have seen shared a lot here that was one I particularly liked.... The idea of trying to get into hobbies or things that you enjoy that would likely be somewhat social, causing you to meet and interact with people (and hopefully some of your gender of interest). So, it caused me to reflect upon my past and realize how much that makes sense. That has always been when I have been my most at ease. When there is sort of already an excuse to be social anyway, so that "ice breaker" sort of deal is already there. It isn't like trying to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger, because you are there for a social type of event anyway.

So, before my story gets too long, let me get to the point. For almost a year and a half now, I have been attending a gaming group almost once a week. We play board games, mostly horror themed. There have been people who come and go, and there have been regulars who have come and gone, but for a good while now we have settled into a great group of three regulars (myself included) with occasional guests. It's usually a guy thing, but from time to time somebody of the female persuasion does make it to our game table.

And you know something, I never thought of it before I started coming to this board, but.....

That is my own version of proof that this concept actually DOES help. Because, at my gaming group, with my gaming buddies, I am completely at ease. I am completely myself. I am able to be the crazy, goofy son of a nutcase that I want to be around people. I am able to talk to the people, including the women, who come to the gaming group, and I even act like a welcoming committee to newcomers to the group, without even giving it a second thought. Without even giving it a thought, I go out of my way to make sure they feel including in all the tomfoolery and goofy fun. Women included.

I never really thought of it until my game night last night, but I am not even the least bit shy, even around the women who come. I make people laugh, we make each other laugh, I'm goofy and have fun. I'm even able to shut up that stupid doofus in my head who wonders if people secretly don't like me. I am actually able to go home and say to myself "That is stupid. If they didn't like me, they wouldn't be having so much fun with me." And... the funny thing.... I actually believe it!

I know all of this doesn't sound like it is such a big deal, but it is to me. After a lifetime of being so shy I could barely talk to anybody, especially not girls....

After a life time of having no self-esteem...

I am, for the first time in my life, realizing I CAN DO IT! Maybe it is too much to ask of myself to expect myself to be able to go for a cold approach, just randomly talk to a girl. Or, heck, maybe I can even build myself up to that. But, there are ways I can get around my shyness, and for the first time in my life I am actually realizing I can do it. It really is a good feeling. :-) Now I really want to come up with some more ideas of random hobbies to take part in so I can get a chance to explore it even more.

(tl;dr Summary below...)

I attend a weekly board gaming group. The group is mostly myself and two other guys who come there regularly. However, we have guests from time to time, including an occasional female guest. After a life time of being extremely shy (and having little to no self-esteem) I am actually starting to learn that I CAN finally get over it. :-) In this group, I am the crazy goofy guy I want to be around people, including women. I am not even the least bit shy. I make people laugh, we make each other laugh, we have fun. So, thank you to all who gave/continue to give the advice to us shy folks that taking up hobbies helps. I am living proof that it does, and I really never even thought of that until I started coming here.

[HeartIsAching]

You've taken your first step into a larger world. (10 LF points to the 1st poster to get the reference)

Seriously dude... that's a good step. I used to game years ago, and would again if I were invited to a game. There's a controlling SOB that we're "friends" with that runs games and won't invite me because his friends would hit on me (he's gay), and that ticks me off... like I couldn't handle it. Anyhow, off point.

If you're comfortable, and the real you is there... and she's at all friendly, you've got a shot. This is why I say that the best place to meet the opposite sex is places where they share the same obsessions.

T'give you a silly f'r instance - I'm a bike nut. If I were to group ride with the local bike shop (assuming I were single) and met an interesting female, I know she's into bikes... I can be reasonably sure she's not going to mind my enormous bicycle collection... nor is she going to mind me acquiring more, or spending time in the garage working on bikes. My step-son is a big-time gamer... and so is his wife. Neither one of them minds when it's game night... chances are they're both going to be there.

To get over your shyness, I'm going to give you a piece of advice I gave my little brother years ago. It's a good way to gauge whether or not you've got a chance:

Look into her eyes (look NOWHERE ELSE), and smile. If she smiles back - you've got a shot. Seriously, it works.

[TheEvilJester]

Stinks about that "friend" of yours. If you were in my area, you would certainly be welcome to join in with my gaming group. ;-) Anyways, I definitely am very comfortable and much more the real me at my gaming group. I only wish some girls showed up more often. LOL! We've had a random girl stop in from time to time, but not many and none have become regulars so far.

Also, thanks, HeartIsAching. That is actually really good advice. And, thinking about it actually makes me even more proud of myself (and also just a twinge sad). Why? Because the girl I had a crush on (but was yet ready to move on), I actually did that several times while passing by her in the hallway at my old work. And, many times she smiled back. :-)

Still a little peeved that I never got the chance to talk to her. Not that I miss that job. The job I have now (knock wood) is soooooooo much better. But, I just sort of wish maybe my whole break-up with Mrs. Wrong could have maybe been pushed up a year or at least several months earlier. Would have been so nice to have been ready to move on with my life at a time that I would have still been able to talk to her.

But, perhaps my dream girl is out there somewhere. Hard for a dude like me, with very little self-esteem to believe, but I am willing to try, now more than ever in my life before.

[FAndrews]

I have the same problem mate plus funnily enough I'm also in a weekly gaming group; i also happen to believe I'm a different person around friends and family than i am at work but then again i suppose it is where we feel the most comfortable and most able to express ourselves.

[bessieb]

I actually smiled all the way through reading this post, you have come so far since your first posts. This was brilliant to read and I'm so happy for you that things are starting to happen, you obviously feel totally at ease with these people and that can only increase your confidence and feelings of self worth... Go TheEvilJester!!

[TheEvilJester]

Dude, FAndrews, are you sure we're not secretly twin brothers separated at birth, and sent to live in different countries? LOL! What sort of board games do you play? My group loves mostly horror themed board games, and more often than not, having something to do with zombies. :-)

Bessie,

Thanks so much! You are good peeps, so it is always nice having a few of those type pulling for me. :-) LOL!

Now, I just want, so badly, to start exercising my new found abilities! I have to find more excuses to explore hobbies that will involve other people. ... I'm just not even really sure how to go about doing that.

As far as my gaming group, I'm somewhat thinking of suggesting to the guys that we hold a "special event" from time to time. In other words, we can keep coming as normal every week, but once in a while we should ask the comic shop where we run the game night to advertise an event for us for a while and hold a special gaming night. That way, hopefully by getting the word out there a little more, our group can pick up a new regular or two, or at the very least, more people who float in and out from time to time.

Either way, I want to start exploring my hobbies more somehow. Because, with the advice everybody has given me here, it occurs to me that it makes a lot of sense. What would be a better way to meet somebody than if they happened to be somebody showing up for an event with a shared hobby?

[bessieb]

As I am reading this, The Big Bang Theory comes straight to mind LOL!!

I think it's a great idea and someone has to make the first move, so why not you. A special event can bring people in from different areas but with a shared interest. There is no greater marketing tool than, word of mouth and you never know it might bring a few ladies your way, they could become new friends or even a potential love interest.

[FAndrews]

The Big Bang Theory is one of my favourite shows at the moment i've often been compared to Sheldon, but in a good way though.

Eviljester: lol, yeah another weird connection, we do mainly role-playing games (Dungeons and Dragons that sort of thing) and miniature games though we do also play some board games and yes zombies are great in almost anything! sadly not many girls though except the occasional players girlfriends.

[TheEvilJester]

Sorry, guys. Never really got into The Big Bang Theory. No offense at all. Just couldn't get into it.

Anyways, sounds cool, FAndrews. My group is in a similar boat. We very rarely have girls come by. Mostly just the wife of one our regulars, and this couple who have come a few times. Beyond that there have been a couple girls here and there, but not very often. I wish there would be. A girl who was into zombies would sooooo be a potential dream girl for me. LOL!

[FAndrews]

lol, the rare prize of the lovely female geek or nerd

[TheEvilJester]

Indeed! Like Felicia Day! If I actually got the chance, I would date Felicia Day in a heartbeat. Not like that would ever actually happen, though.