I thought I was stronger! Read my story..

[PeterPeter]

It has been a month now since my girlfriend and I broke up. We had a huge fight at the end which resulted in her storming for the door, only to never hear from again. I’m finding it hard to cope with.

I suprise myself with this, as she wasn’t even much of a girlfriend at all. I literally did everything for her and she kept me on a leash, kept me on the background in her life. For example, after not hearing for her for one day I decided to suprise visit her, only to be send back home. When her car was out of fuel I saved her and she just wove me goodbye. She never wanted to sleep over. She bossed me to get her food moments after she declined dinner at my house. She threatend me with breaking up if I’d join her to the cinema with her friends. She planned activities with friends way ahead while I got “mabye”. She went on a holiday alone because “her nephew wouldn’t allow a boyfriend”. Her dad even called me to say he accepted me because he was worried that I rarely visited their house (she wouldn’t let me). During christmas time I brought her her favourite candy and she was angry because I suprise visited her and thus invade her privacy. She spend an awfull lot of time with her phone when around me. I know it all sounds crazy, the list goes on, but while it made me angry at the time I somehow excused her for it all. We rarely went out in public and we’ve never done something with other people.

There were also intimate times. Like when a family member died, she was there for me. She’d call me in the middle night just to tell me her dreams about me. We texted all day. That sort of stuff. We had the best sex I ever experienced (got worse nearing the end though).

I adressed my issues with our relationship many times to her. She always said that sort of stuff pushed her more away from me. But I doubt it did. I honestly believe people in love treat eachother like golden, want to see eachother as often as possible. Don’t act annoyed if their love wants to kiss or hug. She rarely made me feel this way, often her distant behavior would break me in tears. When I lay my feelings upon her she replied she wanted to be independant and wasn’t ready for such a intimate relationship. She also replied she would think about changing things for me to feel better. They didn’t. This made sense but it wasn’t good for me because I wanted to build a future together. We sticked together and the fights and arguments kept happening and got increasingly worse. A year and a half later we broke.

Yet I ask myself. If I never really was happy with it all, if it couldn’t statisfy my needs. Why do I feel so bad about this break up? Is it because I wanted it to work? Is it because of the silence and solitude I experience now? I truly don’t know. If she’d only fight a bit for it more.

I’m lead a joyfull life, I study and work. Hobbies are keeping me occupied. But sometimes, it all just comes out. I never been a saint and sometimes would scream or say harsh things to her out of anger. I blame myself for not understanding her wants and needs. But I just could not accept her behavior anymore. Now, I’m a bit scared to miss out on a new relationship. I really hope time heals..

[Syne]

I'm in your same situation, almost to a tee. I don't think that feeling horrible about the break-up means you should have been together... probably more mourning over what could have been. I'm guessing you saw this girl in your future, whatever that may be, and now she's just not there anymore. It's like... you want something to work so badly but you feel as if the other person just didn't want it as much as you did. It stings. Then you go over what you could have done wrong, etc etc. It's like an endless cycle.

In any case, time does heal! I think you are doing the right things by focusing on school, work and hobbies. Sometimes the sadness will still eat at you but that's normal. It will lessen with time. And yeah solitude does tend to make the pain come out.

[PeterPeter]

Thank you Syne, for your time to write this kind reply. I guess you're right. I wanted this to work so badly I ignored all red flags and forgived her. If someone told me 12 months ago this would happen to me, I'd order a double of what they were drinking, drunk it and then laugh my ass off. Yet here I am. I wonder what here point of view about this all might be, but it is of no avail. If she really wanted it to work, she would have contacted me or tried to change the situation. I'm trying to find a way to break the endless circle and it's damn hard. My mindset has totally shifted from being a strong independant guy partying through life to wanting to settle down. Mid twenties here, so I consider myself "short on time", if you understand what I'm trying to say.

[Syne]

Not a problem. I completely understand too. I had red flags that I ignored because I thought oh he just needs more time, when he feels closer to me things will get better, blah blah blah. It is really hard when you love someone and want it to work with them but it just won't, especially when you're willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work.

Mid twenties is actually quite young! Ha ha, I'm 23 and I feel like the clock is ticking too. Most people our age seem to be settling down, having kids, getting engaged or married.

Some advice I've gotten that might help you with letting go is to think of it as a self esteem thing. Do you really want to be with a woman that strung you along for so long? That had to "think about" compromising to meet your needs too?

[4 ratties]

It's only been a month since the breakup. All your feeling and thinking are normal. I was with a guy for only 4 months and it took about 3 months for me to feel over him. I really think you will feel better in a couple months especially with no contact with her.

[cosquin]

According to your story that girl is either: very cold and indifferent, or was not in love with you. In either of these 2 situations you've won more than lost with the break up. Don't worry, give yourself time and go on.

[PeterPeter]

Thanks guys, it feels supportive! What can I do best if she ever tries to come back?

[cosquin]

Thanks guys, it feels supportive! What can I do best if she ever tries to come back?

Why are you worry for something that is improbable happening? And in that case...you follow your guts.

[PeterPeter]

I guess it's still the hope that everything will be okay. It indeed is improbable, otherwise she would probably have avoided this all. I heared she told a mutual friend she wanted to get things straight in her life, then find out if she wants a man along with that, and then find out if that man can be me. Just another cheap trick to take distance making the break up easier for us both? If she ever had trouble with it at all..

[PeterPeter]

So yesterday my story took a turn for the worse..... I had a though day at school. Some classmates and I were working for eight hours straight to finish our thesis right before the deadline. I wanted to blow off some steam and decided to go to the cinema. Of course she had to be there, but she ignored me all the way.

I couldn't really care but my heart was raging. Afterwards she called me. She told me it was difficult to have seen me again and she wasn't prepared for confrontation. She told me she had doubts about everything in her life and she couldn't continue with us because she lost trust. Trust in that everything would turn out okay. She also told me our different opinions about how a relationship should be drove us away from eachother. She needed time to think of she wanted to make "sacrifices" and "abide by rules" to make this work. At the moment I tried to reassure her but I couldn't give a damn about her feelings really. However, after a stable three days I now feel like I fell back in the well. Somewhere she triggered hope by saying she needed time and we'd have to deal with this situation for now. It's hard...

[waltereed]

Hi, I read your entire post and my thought is that she sounds completely self centered and cold to you. You were so good to her and she just slapped you down all the time. It seemed one sided. She seemed to have all the power. If I were in your position I would try my best to forget about her and move on. You are too good for her. You are better off without her kind of rude treatment. Pick up your self respect and move on. My two cents worth.

[PeterPeter]

Hi, I read your entire post and my thought is that she sounds completely self centered and cold to you. You were so good to her and she just slapped you down all the time. It seemed one sided. She seemed to have all the power. If I were in your position I would try my best to forget about her and move on. You are too good for her. You are better off without her kind of rude treatment. Pick up your self respect and move on. My two cents worth.

Thank you. Feels good to read such posts!

I'm blaming myself entirely on this one. But I was so curious since the weekend is coming up that I checked her twitter (fb / phone number all deleted). I found out she's going out tonight in a dress. She never wore a dress EVER. So I guess we all know what she's doing tonight.

It hurts SO much. She doesn't care about it at all it seems. I, depressed for three weeks without end, and she's making the very best of it. What the hell..

[PeterPeter]

So for some silly reason we started texting tonight. She told me she was actually doing quite good without me. Spends lots of time with friends. When I tried to winkle out how she thought about coming back together she replied that she didn't know yet at this point. She still doesn't want to flip the switch or make some sacrifices. Actually started flirting with other guys. She warned me she would probably always be this distant in a relationship and that was just how she was. I expected her to make my life more exciting and she tought of that as a burden.

She wore the dress for a party. Luckily nothing happened she assured me haha. I need some advice on this, would it be good to hook up with her again and try to work on something? Or would you advice to abandon it for ever after all these posts.
It might never happen, us getting happy, but it's something I would put all the effort of the world into. All I expect is to recieve love and appreciation..