Called the Police

[Wakeup]

I don't know if we're going to get back together. If I shook her up that badly, it might be a chance for her to get her act together. Or maybe I broke her spirit. Maybe I should just stay away from her for both of our sakes. We will figure out this laptop replacement, and probably talk about the relationship at some point. If I really messed her up, I think that it would be best in the long run for both of us to break up now. But maybe this is a chance for both of us to become better people.

Highly unlikely unless you both get individual councelling and couples councelling.

Some of you will probably start ranting that I'm just getting sucked back in. But stop and think for a second. If I smashed a random stranger's laptop, obviously I would owe them a new one.

Yes, but you wouldn't go to bed with them and then think everything was wonderful within your relationship only for the same pattern to emerge within months (weeks?) down the road. You wouldn't want to hang with someone that caused you to get so violent.. Surely you wouldn't.

If I smashed your laptop, you would definitely want me to replace it. Right? So regardless of the history of our relationship, I owe her a laptop. Yeah, I bought the previous one for her. But I'm fairly certain that I'm not supposed to revoke gifts to people by smashing them. And as a busy college student, she really needs a laptop right away.

So? Buy her another one, fk buy her 10 if you so desire. That doesn't mean you have to have anything else to do with her. You're bargaining again. That's what addicts do, Vince. They negotiate with themselves. I'll just have one more hit. Maybe I'll go the day without a hit, Yea.. I'll just have one more hit. What excuse can I use to call my supplier... maybe that broken laptop?

Sea said it in one line. Replace the laptop, give it to the mutual friend (her friend first I'm assuming) and then go zero contact. You've tried to raise this little girl for far to long. You're going to withdrawl from the addiction of being needed... A therapist will help you with that. He/she will also help you with all the guilt you hang onto from your past.

[Jffs24]

Damn, man that's rough. I wouldn't fix or buy her a new laptop, **** no. How many times did you ask her to leave when she was tearin' the shit outta your home?

If she would've left like you asked your temper wouldn't hit boil and you never would have got the opportunity to chuck her laptop, you did it because she wouldn't leave.

She has to learn she cannot act way she did and when told to leave nicely shit happens to her too, there are consequences and she herself caused that laptop incident by remaining and basically causing destruction of property and trespassing.

I don't feel you need to feel guilty about her laptop she started the incident herself. Call it quits, it will only get worse between you here on out. GL.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I think you should give her another chance. Sounds like she's really learned her lesson this time. Sometimes it takes 47 chances for people to finally get it.

[Maple1714]

I can't believe you have been doing all the work for one of her classes. Anyway, get her a new laptop and end the relationship. If you can, move to a new city and start over...look for jobs in different places. It's really time to end this toxic cycle.

Also, all the things you listed a couple pages back that you haven't forgiven yourself for....they don't seem like bad things at all. You've been abusing yourself with this relationship. Time to forgive yourself for simply being human and move on. I think you seem like a nice, intelligent person...so how about you do yourself a favor by letting the past go and moving forward with your life. I know easier said than done....but really it's time.

[VincenzoG91]

I bought her a replacement computer, for $1200. Called her a couple of times to tell her, but she didn't pick up. Left a message. I will wait a couple of weeks, and if she doesn't get back in touch, I will re-sell the computer on Craigslist.

Looks like the relationship is over. We talked a couple of times early this week, and apparently getting escorted off my property by the police was a devastating blow to her self-esteem. She talked about dropping out of school because she doesn't feel like she deserves a degree. She finally realized that she was a big burden for me, and decided that she doesn't deserve me. Considering that all of her plans for the future revolved around finishing school, starting a career and settling down with me, I'm concerned about her current state of mind. But if she won't talk to me, there isn't anything that I can do about it except get on with my own life.

My own life isn't in very good shape right now. I've been unemployed for seven weeks. I've got plenty of experience, except that I'm looking for a management level job but I haven't supervised anybody for the last nine years. The lump sum payment related to my old job suddenly looks like it might be about 80% less, which makes the money that I just spent on that computer somewhat painful. I've got a lingering knee injury that won't quite heal, and I've had serious insomnia since the incident with the police last Friday. I miss my girlfriend a lot, because aside from the occasional arguments, we really were getting along great this year. A few weeks ago, I invited a bunch of friends to come over and play boardgames at my house this Saturday, but only one guy is planning to show up. At the moment, I feel like the only purpose of my life is to feed my cat and water my plants. I know that everybody here thinks that my girlfriend was a terrible person, but when she was around, I felt focused, responsible, and important. Without her, I feel irrelevant to the world around me.

[HeartIsAching]

Welcome to the "grief" stage.

[HeartIsAching]

Oh, and don't put down feeding your cat. Cats are pretty damned empathetic, and can be wonderful companions in times like this. Pet your cat. Snuggle with your cat.

Put the fact that you are owned by a cat in your new online dating profile. Chicks dig guys with cats.

[HeartIsAching]

Damn, sorry to keep doing this - I don't think your ex GF was terrible, but I do think she needs a lot of therapy. We're the product of our environment, and she's never really dealt with issues that have affected her. It's not up to you or anyone else to "fix" her though - that's up to her.

[pcmaster]

You said something about watering plants. Where is problem to start growing weed? For personal use ofcourse. Instead of low you could be realy high right now and you could sell spare weed could be sold so job issue solved ! Arent Im genius?

Actually seriously speaking you made a big think out of it would be possible to take her back and probaly she would be more calm and humble. But since she dont pick up phone anymore it sounds like death silence. Her friends probably telling her what dick you where.

Now theres two unhappy people and all those who saying bitch is crazy dont understand that you could go out talk with 1000 "sane" people and wont feel so loved as with her.

She actually give a shit what you say. Your words did have a huge impact. But its like spillet water. Its too late to take them back. Whats done is done. Now its time to learn losing. Take the good and bad and breath.

[joanna1]

I understand you love her and don't want to lose her but maybe she even realizes you both need some distant in order to move on, either together or apart, or even to just remain friends. Let her take this time away she wants, she is probably embarrassed by how public the whole thing out and the outcome with the police.

Maybe she even feels you no longer love her, I do not know. Has she accepted any blame since it happened? You both should have split the cost on the new lap, imo. It was the fault of you both, her actions spurred on your reaction. Sometimes an event like this is what people need to open up their eyes to what is not working in their life and relationship.

I agree on the cats comment, my cat has been a wonderful source of love and support since my breakup.

[VincenzoG91]

I understand you love her and don't want to lose her but maybe she even realizes you both need some distant in order to move on, either together or apart, or even to just remain friends. Let her take this time away she wants, she is probably embarrassed by how public the whole thing out and the outcome with the police.

Maybe she even feels you no longer love her, I do not know. Has she accepted any blame since it happened? You both should have split the cost on the new lap, imo. It was the fault of you both, her actions spurred on your reaction. Sometimes an event like this is what people need to open up their eyes to what is not working in their life and relationship.

I agree on the cats comment, my cat has been a wonderful source of love and support since my breakup.

She is a very private person, so the spectacle of two police cars showing up during morning rush hour to get her off my property had to be an extremely humiliating experience for her. At the time, I was just thinking that I had to get her out of the house before she started breaking anything expensive. It's ironic that I'm the only one that broke anything expensive.

It's true that she doesn't feel like I love her or respect her anymore. She seemed stuck on the idea that I called her an idiot and a loser, repeatedly. (I don't think she's an idiot or a loser, but sometimes she seems like one when she sabotages her own efforts through poor time management.) After a fight, she is normally very concerned with assigning blame, especially to me, but not this time around. That falls short of her actively accepting responsibility for her actions that day, but the lack of blame directed at me makes it clear that she is sorry. Instead, she has been taking blame for bigger issues, like being a burden for me, and for demanding too much help with her college classes.

[Maple1714]

Vince -
Can you go at least go find some kind of job while you are looking for a permanent one? Anything, to get you out of the house. I am a big fan of walking dogs for people while they are at work. You get outside, exercise and can make like $40 a day just walking a dog. I just hooked a friend up with a job like this....who was depressed and sitting at home all day. There is always a way to make $$ ALWAYS. I find my friends jobs all the time! I don't know where you live, but I also have some recruiter friends in southern CA who have been posting job listings like crazy this week.

Anyway, I think it's good to take a break from anything toxic...esp. relationships. Yours has been toxic for both of you over the years, from what you have described. I am sure it didn't make you feel good after your threw her laptop or after you called the police. All this drama...can you imagine if you had kids at home witnessing this stuff? It's hard to let go, move on and forgive yourself...but you really need to. I really do wish you luck. Life is hard work sometimes isn't it? I believe it's supposed to be hard. I believe we are here to learn and grow. If you keep repeating the same behavior over and over you aren't learning much.

[Wakeup]

I know that everybody here thinks that my girlfriend was a terrible person, but when she was around, I felt focused, responsible, and important. Without her, I feel irrelevant to the world around me.

Re-read that last link I sent you on dysfunctional helping, Vince. There are groups that will help you stop feeling un-needed just because you're not enabling your (ex)gf to remain in her inability to function at her age level. Groups such as Co-dependents Anonymous (and Al-Anon, even if there is no alcohol involved) are for people who are trapped in dysfunctional helping and enabling.

No one thinks she is a "bad person." Although I think I can safely say that we all think she is a person that needs lots of professional help (not your help) to get her past her own history of abuse and her own "SuperUnicorn."

You don't know it now, but you're better off without her. Don't manipulate yourself into more guilt by thinking you made her quit school. If she does that, that would be her own self-sabotaging (another sign of superunicorn). If she comes back... My suggestion would be for you to not let her hoover you back without her and You being in active councelling at the very least.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

No one thinks she is a "bad person."

Speak for yourself. I think she's better off dead, and the world would be better off too.

[pcmaster]

You get outside, exercise and can make like $40 a day just walking a dog.

Dont be so proud Vince and pick up the dog shit. This will distract you from your own shit and give back some confidence as funny as it sounds. Leaving the comfort zone is the way to grow and get stronger.