Is my girlfriend lying?

[Loundar]

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 39 weeks now and she's about 16 weeks pregnant. The baby was planned and we have said we love each other from roughly 20 weeks into the relationship. Anyway, about 30 weeks in, I asked her if she loved me more than her ex. I asked in a joking way (I can't be bothered explaining why it was in a joking way but trust me that it made sense if you were there). I expected her to say 'yes' because she has told me how from 2-3 weeks into their relationship, he was beating her and he controlled her for 12 years. Stopped her seeing her friends, accused her of cheating and battering her for it, even though he was the one out sleeping with a lot of other women. They were together for 12 years before she finally got rid of him. They had kids together but he has nothing to do with them. He never has and the kids don't like him. He's in and out of jail and he's a heroin addict. She told me she's 'not sure' if she loves me as much as she loved him. I have never been anything but nice to her and respectful towards her. I've never stopped her doing what she wants and she's told me that she's happier than ever. So why the strange answer? It didn't make sense to me. Since then, she's changed her answer and said that she loves me more. 100x more. She said that she answered 'don't know' because she thought that she might have 'scared me away' by telling me that. Even though we had already said that we love each other a lot before and she was even pregnant with my baby. That doesn't make sense to me. She's also told me that her ex was better looking and better in bed. Which is fair enough. I asked and she answered honestly. I have no problem there. I just add that in case it's important. What do you think? Does she really love me more than him or is she just saying what she thinks I want to hear? Either way won't end things with us and I've told her that but I don't think she believes me so is sticking to her answer. She changed her answer because I accused her of not telling me the whole truth about them 2 if she loved him at all. Never mind more than me who's been nothing but nice to her and who she said she's happier than ever with.

PS I know these aren't healthy questions to ask but I only ask them to make sense of her and her ex. What she says about him doesn't make sense. I've asked her if it was just a case of him being such a stud otherwise that she put up with the abuse and she completely denies that.

[smackie9]

This is what you get when you date someone with such baggage. Anyways Google "abused spouse syndrome" and the mental issues that coincide with it. There you will find some answers.

[DalM0m]

this is a woman who makes a lot of bad choices. Staying with a man for 12 years who beats her & is addicted to drugs & is in out of jail is a bad choice.

Planning a pregnancy with a man she is not married to, when she already has kids & has only known said man for less than 6 months is a bad choice, IMHO.

Based on her prior levels of stupidity do you really think this chick is capable of making an intelligent choice? Because she said she's "not sure" if she loves you more I'd consult with a lawyer & find out what you are going to have to do in order to obtain sole primary custody of this baby.

[Boisdevie]

Planning a pregnancy with a man she is not married to, when she already has kids & has only known said man for less than 6 months is a bad choice, IMHO.

I'm not too hung up about being married or not - BUT Dalmom is right - getting pregnant to a guy you barely know suggests her decisionmaking skills are not that good.

[Loundar]

I'm surprised by the responses. Is 6 months not long enough to decide if you like/love someone enough to have a baby with them? I will never get married and have made that clear (she agrees on marriage just being an expensive piece of paper so not a problem) but I don't think you need to wait longer than 6 months to decide if you love someone or if you want a baby with them.

In all honesty, I expected people to tell me to stop comparing myself to him etc. I didn't expect her to be thought so little of over this.

[DalM0m]

OK, yeah you are right . . . on that one point. Stop comparing yourself to him. If you can't already tell that you are better than a drug addicted criminal, I don't hold out much hope for your child's development.

Moreover when this woman said she wasn't sure if she loved him more, you very well better take her at her word. There is a real possibility that if pushed she will pick him & then you are going to have to deal with this doggie abusive criminal in your baby's life.

[Loundar]

OK, yeah you are right . . . on that one point. Stop comparing yourself to him. If you can't already tell that you are better than a drug addicted criminal, I don't hold out much hope for your child's development.

Moreover when this woman said she wasn't sure if she loved him more, you very well better take her at her word. There is a real possibility that if pushed she will pick him & then you are going to have to deal with this doggie abusive criminal in your baby's life.

Well you don't have to worry about my child's development because I don't think I'm less than him. Except looks (he wasn't a junkie when they first got together) and bed skills (which don't make me feel like less of a person). You're assuming a lot of things about this story instead of asking for more details. There's more chance of hell freezing over than them 2 getting back together. The question wasn't whether she loves him as much NOW, it was if she loves me as much as she once did him. There's no chance that he will be a part of my baby's life in any way.

It sounds like to me that you just don't like the fact that we don't care about marriage like you do and are trying to be offensive. Grow up.

[smackie9]

Ummmm not too sure where you got that impression. Her advice is pretty straight forward. And anything is possible so never say never.

IMO yes your GF could be filling your head with lies to keep you from asking her those questions. Or she may not really know how she feels or maybe you are just a meal ticket to her and she will say anything to pacify you.....this is a public forum, it's free, everyone is from different walks of life, different cultures and countries. You will get all kinds of comments, some you won't like, but you can ignore those instead of insulting the person.

[Loundar]

Ummmm not too sure where you got that impression. Her advice is pretty straight forward. And anything is possible so never say never.

IMO yes your GF could be filling your head with lies to keep you from asking her those questions. Or she may not really know how she feels or maybe you are just a meal ticket to her and she will say anything to pacify you.....this is a public forum, it's free, everyone is from different walks of life, different cultures and countries. You will get all kinds of comments, some you won't like, but you can ignore those instead of insulting the person.

And where did I insult anyone? Like I said, there's no chance of them getting back together. 100% sure. Why do you think you know better? I asked for your opinions on whether you thought it was a lie or not. I don't care what you'd think about us having a baby and I didn't ask for comments on anything else. But like you say, we can say what we want. So who are you to tell me what I can and can't say? If you didn't like it or don't like this then feel free to ignore. Take your own advice.

[smackie9]

And where did I insult anyone? Like I said, there's no chance of them getting back together. 100% sure. Why do you think you know better? I asked for your opinions on whether you thought it was a lie or not. I don't care what you'd think about us having a baby and I didn't ask for comments on anything else. But like you say, we can say what we want. So who are you to tell me what I can and can't say? If you didn't like it or don't like this then feel free to ignore. Take your own advice.

She's f uckin lying. there is your answer.

[Valixy]

The love a woman could have had for a 12 year abusive partner must be full of pain and guilt. Your young love could not have compared with such complex feelings so soon in the relationship, and hopefully never will. I know lots of people who regretted saying things like how much they loved their ex or how much they enjoyed sex together because they soon fell in love completely with their new partner and totally enjoyed their new sexual life, but their partner struggled to come to terms with their previous confession. So it definitely is possible to fall in love gradually but completely and even more than before and having a baby together can create a very powerful bond between you two and with her kids from her previous relationship. I agree with the other posters that everything sounds a bit complicated and precipitated and you should be careful but this does not mean that things could not continue being just as wonderful as they are and even more. I know relationships that seemed perfect to everybody and failed and others that no one gave them a chance and are still going :-)

[surfhb2]

Yeah.....she probably lying just to appease you

Too late now but why would you get with a girl who lived in a 12 year abusive relationship? In fact I can't think of a redder red flag in all of dating *shrugs*

Actually that last part I'd for some other poor scmuck who might be reading this

Btw.....this is just my opinion based on your words.....your mileage may vary

[4 ratties]

Goodluck to the unborn baby. That's all I have to say.

[smackie9]

Another case of "Shining Night Syndrome". But hey what do I know.....

[Loundar]

Another case of "Shining Night Syndrome". But hey what do I know.....

Probably not much. 12000+ posts. Doesn't seem like you have very much real life experience to me.