Is married man acting appropriately?

[pepsimax]

Hi,

I am not married but I would like to get married peoples opinion.
I used to work with this married man and we became very close. I now work at a different place but we still go to work together.
He constantly pays attention to me and i admit i developed feelings for him and he knows it. We used to text each other in the evenings sometimes but nothing that i wouldn't text my mom...and not every day or all night.
A few times we went out to a pub with a mutual friend. I was certain that his wife knew that i went out with him and his friend (the other guy's wife knows). Nothing has ever happened...we are just friends.
I recently found out that his wife thinks that my feelings aren't innocent and that she doesn't want us texting. I also found out that his wife doesn't know that i went with them to the bar a few times. Why would he hide it from her?
Why does he still go with me to work? The other day we went out for lunch and i ordered a bottle of water. He told me to send it back and he will get me from his work-he gets it for half the price. He not only got me water but also a bottle of my favourite drink (not the first time he got it for me). He his constantly teasing me.

As married people do you think that his behaviour is okay? Married women-how would you feel if it was your husband. I am confused about whether his behaviour is okay or not. I know i shouldn't have feelings for a married man but i am not acting on them and won't but i am curious to know if his behaviour his ok? My married friend says if it was her husband she would be pissed!

[DalM0m]

Talking, commuting, lunching & even joking with work colleagues is just fine. Oftentimes co-workers go out after work for a causal drink. I see nothing wrong with that.

The problems are that 1). you like him & he knows this but hasn't adjusted his behavior to send clearer signals that he is not available as anything other than a work colleague; 2). his wife has asked that he not interact with you but he hasn't respected her wishes and 3). his lie of omission when you went to the pub with them tells me he's not such a great guy because he's hiding things from the spouse.

[smackie9]

I would be pissed too. He's getting off on the idea that you have feelings for him, and well him being so attentive, going out with you is no different than the beginning stages of dating. It's not appropriate at all.

[pepsimax]

Thanks for the responses. I am wondering why does he feel the need to omit the fact that I went out with them to that pub but the other married man's wife knows. Us going to the pub isn't like a date-we always go with someone else.

[bluesummer]

Yes, him not telling his wife is pretty sketchy. My husband goes out with people for lunch and cocktails and stuff with lots of people that includes women, especially as part of his job, but he usually tells me who he went with in casual conversation. If I found out he'd been going out a bunch of times with the same woman but he had purposely left out the fact she'd been there every time, there would be some alarm bells. Oh and all the texting.....married men don't text other women regularly, unless its their mom or their sister. Not ok.

And let's not forget your part in this......you admit to liking him. You are texting him back and hanging out with him......regardless of your insistence that you're 'just friends'.....you are seeking and enjoying his attention. Knock it off, he's not available. If I were his wife, I'd smack you both.

[pepsimax]

Us going out in the evenings isn't part of our job. I never thought he hid it from his wife that i was there too.
Our mutual friend told me that his wife told him that she doesn't like the texting so he stopped it and i don't initiate the texting.
Going out for lunch and joking with people from work (although we don't work together) is normal but his teasing me is more like a school kid...he doesn't tease anybody else like he teases me and he admits that...
He also comes with me to work every day. It used to be just the 2 of us but now another colleague of his comes along. We go with my car and I don't understand why he continues coming with me when he has his own car...okay i have a company car and he doesn't but he isn't the type that will use someone for something! When i didn't have a car he took me to work.
I just don't get why he is nice to me like getting me my favourite drink while knowing that i like him and that his wife probably doesn't like me ...
Would you hang out with a person from the opposite sex that your significant other is suspicious of? I would like bluesummer says 'smack them both'!

[TablesandChairs]

He's liking the attention, nothing more. At best, he'll shag you one day. Will he leave his wife for you? No.

So why keep entertaining your crush on him? He's married - if he wants to dabble his feel in murky waters, let him...but there's nothing stopping you from doing the right thing. Is there? Since you're the one with the crush, why don't you back off a bit and start lunching with other people?

[searock]

Stay away from this as*hole.

[Exeter19]

why is he texting you at night, that is a bad move on his part, how about talk to his wife at home instead of texting his coworker every night. sounds sneaky.

[smackie9]

You are down playing this way too much. His behavior IS inappropriate.....he is being a little too friendly towards you. And of
You like this guy and you want to keep relishing in his attention....you are causing more harm than you think.

[Silent Siren]

If you feel his behavior is inappropriate, it probably is...and so is yours. If you're encouraging him by enjoying the attention and staying around to keep it coming or possibly progressing further at some point, you're disrespecting his wife. I would not focus on what he is doing. If he is doing something wrong or has intentions of it, that's his problem. You should only be concerned about your place in it. If he is doing things with you and not telling his wife, it's your place to set down some boundaries. If he is texting you when he should be spending time with his family, it's your place to put a stop to it or not answer. Doesn't matter if you like him or not. The only thing you have left at the end of the day is your integrity. He's not available and you should make him act like it...at least when he has to be around you.