Why doesn't he deal with the divorce?

[Bondgirl1]

Hi there,

New to this forum and am seeking some advice on my current relationship.

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. Last year he moved into my condo. He has been separated for over 10 years but never divorced. He is no longer in touch with his ex and sees her only at family events like birthdays and Christmas (he has 3 grown children).

This situation didn't really bother me while we were dating, however, since he's moved into my condo and we're planning a life together, my feelings have changed. I have gone so far as to tell him that we cannot buy a house together until he is divorced.

We have had several discussions on this and each time he says he will take care of it but he doesn't offer any updates unless I ask him. So far I feel he is making excuses. (I don't have her phone number, I rarely see her).

I have tried to explain to him that I don’t like the financial/emotional implications of him still being ‘attached’ to another woman. How can I get him to understand how important the divorce is to me and our future? My stress and anxiety levels are increasing as I feel I have no control over my present situation.

His behaviour over this issue is confusing because otherwise he is affectionate and thoughtful but I feel he is avoiding this issue. I don't feel as close to him as I used to and I've begun to question whether I should continue this relationship or not.

Thank you for your advice

[BackUpOrGetStng]

How can I get him to understand how important the divorce is to me and our future? My stress and anxiety levels are increasing as I feel I have no control over my present situation.

You have 100% control, you just sound like a spinless, sissy who completely lacks fortitude. Tell him to start divorce proceedings tomorrow or pack his shit up and move out by the end of the week. Easy peasy.

[smackie9]

I agree, he's had 10 years to do something about it......time for an ultimatum..... get'er done or get the f uck out. Actually I wouldn't date anyone that hasn't divorced their wife yet.....to me this is a big red flag.

[TablesandChairs]

Like has been suggested, he had had a decade to take care of business. Is he normally so lazy? You cannot plan a life with someone (for example: purchasing property) while that person is married. It complicates things. You've asked him to sort things out - has he even bothered to make a phone call? I would tell him you're having second thoughts about him based on his non-action regarding the divorce. It's up to him.

[basilandthyme]

What's his rationale as to why he's done nothing about it?

[Bondgirl1]

Well, he says it was 10 years ago. It's completely over and they've both moved on. When they separated, there were 3 children involved and he didn't want a nasty divorce while the children were around. She took everything anyways. I think he's avoiding any further potential arguments. He gets defensive when I bring it up which I've started to do more frequently. I know it was a bad breakup. That's it. I'm done making excuses for him.

I really appreciate all your advice so thank you.

[smackie9]

If she took everything anyways why would it be messy? I know in BC all you have to do is go to a laywer with about 500 bucks to have the papers served. If you check the laws if they haven't cohabitiated as a married couple for over a year or so, you can be granted a divorce anyways without having to go to court......my GF did it. Do your research in your area. I'm sure it will be simple and effortless.