Not Sure if I Lost Him...

[Rowen]

Hey, everyone...

Well, I return with bad news... I very well might have lost the very love I found a few months ago (For those of you who do not know, it's in this thread: http://www.loveforum.net/threads/84842-The-Best-of-Times?p=952029#post952029 ). Sorry about the length, but my downfall is kind of complicated for me, and it's best for me to write it all out... :S

You see, it was all a change that took place over the past two weeks. Looking back, I only wish I could have prevented myself from causing it. It was his birthday this past Sunday, and we were originally planning on spending the entire weekend together, of course around a family dinner his parents planned. I told him it was fine that we plan around it and to let me know. Well, the end of the week was rolling around, and I asked him, trying to see if we could alter our plans because he couldn't give me a definite answer. Long story story short, Dave got pissed off at the situation (not at me, mind you) and that he couldn't give me an answer. And my many apologies for feeling as though I brought on pressure that caused this frustration did not help at all...only aggravated him a little more.

But he held his tongue, only telling me to reread what he last wrote as reassurance. And then the weekend came and I took him out to dinner on Friday night when he was free. He was happy and we had a good time, but we also talked about what happened during the week. And Dave expressed how my apologies make him feel. Yet, we understood each other and moved on. Then, this past Monday, all hell broke loose...

My one friend found an old profile of his on a dating app, and of course I wanted to communicate with him, so I confronted him. It was late, and I probably should have handled it better instead of asking if he was happy and if he felt anything bad about us... He insisted he wasn't cheating- that it was just an old profile he never used but would be more than thrilled to get rid of the profile (he didn't have the app on his phone-deleted it before he met me), as he would feel the same way if he were in my shoes. And Dave even apologized for the way it happened...but I didn't sleep and neither did he. Now, I'm running on practically no sleep and trying to figure this out.

This morning, I tried calling him, as I was extremely upset still and worried that everything was going to shit... Boy was I right; he didn't answer, and I tried calling a few more times even though I knew I shouldn't have. I let my bad emotions get the best of me, and I wish I could undo that moment... He finally just ended up texting me not to call him because he was already aggravated and wasn't in the mood to talk-that he'd talk to me later. After going back and forth (not an argument, just him telling me he wanted to be left alone for now and me telling him he could have told me), we apologized to each other an hour later. Then this evening, I called him because I felt bad and apologized for my actions, as I knew they were childish and I wasn't proud of them. For a half an hour, Dave and I talked about how he felt.

Apparently, he was up all night because he was thinking about us- about the age difference and about my insecurities. He said he felt like he might have been putting me at a disadvantage because I might do better with someone younger. And he told me he doesn't really do insecurities, though he knows I'm trying to work on mine. And he doesn't want me to work on them for him, but for myself, which I agree with.

Overall, he was just colder and quiet, especially when I began to pour my heart out about how I feel about us- that there's still that something special about us and that we can work. I told him what a good impact he has on me by being in my life the way he is, but he said he wasn't sure and needed to think it over. So, we agreed to put that talk on hold and continue with how things are right now... But I'm scared I lost him, even though he still says he loves me very much and misses me when I'm gone.

Is there anything I can do to help this situation? I'm already trying to help myself (not for him, but for me because I'm tired of chasing guys away with how insecure I am) by going to the free psychological services on campus tomorrow to try and conquer my insecurities. But is he already gone? He said so many positive things about how he feels about me and loves spending time with me, despite the many negatives he revealed... And I'm scared I'm going to lose him- I miss the days we were cooking together in his apartment, when we would playfully bicker that I should have a coat on in the Fall's cold every time he went out on the balcony for a cigarette...

Please help me, and if anyone has any suggestions on how to help yourself conquer insecurities, please tell me...
I apologize for the length- my mind is just a blur right now.
I miss the day the photograph in the other thread was taken.

[Rowen]

Please, if someone could take the time to help me, I would really appreciate it..

[pcmaster]

Rowen. First of all take the basic care of yourself. Sleep well, eat 3 times a day and smile beause you deserve to. Simple things. If you cant take best care even of yourself you cant take of other things too. When shit is heavy like this these things matter a lot. Its important not to lose base under your legs. Failing at basic things will make you feel like you investing(and out of control too) and it will make you only more attracted to the guy what will not help. Easier would be by being cool.

To be honest I didnt comment on your pic back then because there was two fat fcks in there. Only that guy is older and look much shitier than you. You can find a better one.

Its importand not to stop life now. Dont give him that much value. "You cant solve the problem with the same mindset that created it". Try new things find positive emotions elswere and if he sees that you are okay without him you will be able to easy get him back. Also steping away from problem and not thinking about it can help find solution on its own.

To be honest with you I think you are great guy, one of the smartest guys on here. More than 30% of your posts are thanked. Theres just a few peeps like this on this forum. You could give advice to yourself !

Also dont make such a big thing about what both of you had together. Look at the quote of the month for example "When two people kiss they create realy long tube with @ssholes on both ends."

I hope these beautiful words helped you. Or at least made you smile.

[Rowen]

Thank you, PC, for all your kind words... :S You're right that I need to take care of myself, and I will. But on top of that, I did see the counselor on campus today, and she put me on the waiting list for counseling. Yet, I also sought out (through the college) an office about two miles away that they said might be able to help me. I'm hoping to book the first appointment tomorrow...

As for Dave, I don't care about his looks. He looks beautiful to me just the way he is..and I want to try to attract him back. Could I maybe be cool about everything by giving him his space? Usually, if I don't text him, he'll text me eventually (He's has not ever made it go a full day where we don't talk before, but I'm not so sure about today.). Could that maybe work, along with my general mannerism when I talk to him? Taking it step by step?

Do you think he would come to me?

I have no idea...and I wish there was just one thing that I could do to fix it all, you know?

[pcmaster]

I have no idea...and I wish there was just one thing that I could do to fix it all, you know?

Have you tried buy him flowers? Im not a gay but I like flowers and peole think if you are guy you dont need them. It makes person feel beautiful I think.


Can you go somwhere where sunny? Like go to holiday for few days chill out and come back stronger than ever. Its importand to show that theres some life in you even if no one will see what you do there will be some good effect from loving yourself. Something good you need, like sunshine you need.

Church can help too. I been in shit and came out of church happy. It depend a lot on preacher too thought.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

^^PC Master, you are trip. I like you, but you are a damn trip.

Rowen, just consider it over and give him a lot of space. You've already tried "helping" the situation, and you see how badly that turned out. Work on being the person that he or a guy like him would be attracted to and want to stay with.

[imadesklamp]

Insecurities ruin relationships- even the best of relationships. You sound like you're a great guy, and you shouldn't beat yourself up for having insecurities. Instead of focusing so much on your insecurities, find a hobby or something to distract yourself. Dave sounds like he loves you very much, but remember that a person can only handle so much. You need to help yourself before you get into any kind of relationship. I don't really believe in taking "breaks" from the person you love, but it honestly sounds to me that you need to help yourself and focus on you before you be with someone again. Unless Dave can help you, that is, but I don't know how much you can help yourself when you're with him.

Do not contact him. You need to give him his space right now. Giving him his space shows that you have enough self-control and enough respect to let him think to himself for a little bit. Do not overwhelm him with how you feel about him and your relationship with him. If he ends up contacting you (which I am sure he will), take everything he says with a grain of salt. Because trust me, he does love you. He doesn't want to be away from you, but he doesn't want to be with you because he feels like he can't help your insecurities. Don't try to convince him to come back to you if he says you need to take a break. The more you convince him to stay with you, the more that shows him that you are not willing to help yourself.

If you guys do not get together right away, I am almost positive you will in the future. In the meantime, please help yourself. You are a beautiful person. Nobody should beat themselves up like that, especially when they don't deserve it. Good luck.

[Rowen]

Thank you to all of you that responded. I'm going to try to hit all the points you've all made:

PC, going somewhere warm right now isn't necessarily an option for me, as my university semester is in session. And my roommate keeps the room ice cold; I've seriously even asked him to keep the windows closed and locked at night when he goes to bed without success.
As for Dave, I know he's isn't really into flowers, so I'm not sure that would work. But I'm going to try backing off as Backup (Thank you, Backup) suggested and try to go from there.. :S Aside from that, I just have to keep myself busy and happy and motivated to work through my problem with a therapist. I already booked my first session for tomorrow at 11:30 AM.

And thank you, imadesklamp. What you said really makes sense, and it truly puts it into perspective for me. I mean, why would he stick around for so long if he didn't care? So, I can see your point. Also, you're right in the fact that what I would be doing without focusing on my problem would be self-destructive of the relationship because it'd be trying to convince him to hold onto hope for something that's hopeless. After talking to HIA for a while, he reached the same conclusion, so I've ultimately decided I'm going to go through with my counseling/therapy session by session and walk into it with the positive mindset that it's going to help me. I'm going to make it through this, and it's going to be for me because I don't want to be the guy who causes a lot of conflict in his relationships anymore. And, if I can help it, I'd like to salvage what is between Dave and I after conquering my problem. It may not happen over night, but I'm in it..

Yet, as for Dave being with me, HIA kind of brought up similar points as well, imadesklamp. And I'd like to stick with him while I go through this to have him as support if anything, as I could remind myself constantly this guy loves me and feels the way imadesklamp suggested. I feel like that would motivate me because I don't want to make anyone feel like that anymore. And when I conquer my problem, I feel like this could possibly be good for both of us. But I won't get ahead of myself...There's still a lot of road left to travel.

But for now, I'm giving him space. I haven't received any texts or calls from him today, but he did go through my Facebook page and "like" a few photos/photo albums and even commented on the one. I'm not suggesting this is grounds as contact, so I did not text/call him as I figured it best for him to come to me. I just commented on the album back and I think if I don't hear from him by tomorrow afternoon, I'll send him one text seeing how his day is going. And we'll just kind of go from there, hopefully...? :S

[pcmaster]

Rowen, how do you feel mate? Do you see the light in the tunnel already? You know maybe not everything is lost yet.
As someone said "When you experience love, the love for that person will never go away. It will be to the grave and beyond. Don't stop believing that it's out there."

Post here on how its going, keep us updated. We are here for you. This is your thread you can post here anything.

[HeartIsAching]

As regards the counseling, don't forget that psychology is a soft science - nothing is quantifiable, which in my opinion makes it an art, not science... and some artists are better than others. If you don't like your therapist, try a different one.

Oh, and personally I'd stay away from a "psychiatrist". That's an M.D. that has a little training in the mind. They're likely to prescribe a pill and get you out of their office.

[joanna1]

^^ I went to a psychiatrist to help myself because most of the posters here said I should go see one and get recommended medications for myself. I did just that and got told to take two medications which are causing me issues now but they also suggested talk therapy and gave me a name of a man to talk to weekly. I find the talk therapy is more helpful. Do you think a lot of your relationship insecurities stem from your past dating experiences or goes further back to childhood issues? Talking to an unbiased person can really help you on both. Give you coping skills when issues crop up for you. Just tell your partner, sorry and that you love them and are going to do something to help yourself and hope they are still supportive to you, even as a friend during. My boyfriend wasn't supportive, I wish better for you.

http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/overcoming-insecurity-in-relationships/

[Rowen]

I thank you all for all your support. I meant to get back to you earlier, but this was the first chance I got (I'm on my phone.).

Today, I went for my first session, and it was a bitch trying to get there because my transportation got screwed up. Next time, I'll walk. But when I was introduced to Dr. Kravchuck, his tone set me at ease a little. He started with questions to get to know me as a person as he led me to his office, and once inside, we got started. It was very relaxing to just sit there and be able to talk this out to someone who seems to want to help me. There were points that we were able to kind of laugh and all, and I made sure he knew I was doing this for me. And as I was leaving, he gave me some parting words: "Self assurance roots within." He told me that by putting my job of assuring myself on others, that's when I overwhelm them and push them away because they can't give me what I need internally.

Other than that, I asked about EFT and he told me that we could look into that later on after we get more in depth into my case. But he said it really depends on me, and in the meantime, we'll meet some more and develop a plan together. So, in answer to your question, PC, it was pretty cool and really gave me a glimmer of hope for my problem and even this situation. I was all too happy telling my cousin and my one friend about it.

I feel good about the counseling overall, but I'm a little unsure about Dave. I sent a text to him in the way we would normally talk to each other (Usually, that involves either a heart or text affection and a pet name), but he didn't respond till he was home from work (something odd because he usually texts me during work). I figured I'd give him the benefit of the doubt that he was just busy in the training for his new job, but when he finally responded, he made conversation but didn't really talk in the normal manner... It kind of made me feel like he was treating me as a friend, as he didn't even call me a pet name like he normally does. :S Could that be a case of him pulling away, or just that it was his way of easing back into talking (yesterday was silent save for the Facebook stuff)? He didn't answer my reply yet, but maybe he's asleep on the couch... :S I did ask about this weekend (we originally planned on spending it together), though, if that means anything?

And thank you for the kind words; I have to remind myself he does love me. It's hard sometimes because of my problem, but I need to do it. Because that will get me in trouble with him otherwise... And, HIA, I can see your point. I felt good about Dr. Kravchuck, but I'll need to see how the next couple sessions go before deciding if I'll stick with his office.

And thank you joanna1 for your kind thoughts. I'm sorry that you didn't have that support behind you, but please remember that you'll find someone better. As for me, I'm thinking I should wait till things stable out a little more before telling Dave... And even then I'm going to make sure he knows it's for me. This is something I want to do for me because I want to be different.
Yet I'm hoping this tale isn't over yet for us. :S

EDIT: Should I try texting/calling him? Or should I wait and see if he comes to me...? I'm not so certain that he will... :S

[Valixy]

Sorry for your heartache, Rowen.

Tbh, from what your wrote you don't sound to me like an extremely annoying insecure guy... Wanting to know more about his birthday weekend and a few days later asking about an old online profile a friend of yours found don't seem to me to be reasons for a break-up. Maybe he's been having doubts about the age gap and the different priorities you can each have in life for some time now. Do his parents agree with your relationship? I just think that you're not having all the elements yet of what provoked this crises and you shouldn't blame yourself completely. You will only be able to understand more about what's happening as soon as he will decide to reveal what he feels, and hopefully he will do that soon.

Maybe you shouldn't contact him again, he seems to need his time to think and reach a decision, find his balance again. So maybe you should give it to him and meanwhile do your best to find your own balance and remember that even the most wonderful love partners can fail sometimes, temporarily or permanently, and relationships simply go through ups and downs, it's a fact of life and you have to be strong for yourself. Also you've already proved to him how much you want to fix this, so maybe you should stop showing him that you are fully concentrated on him, detach or pretend you do, try to have a bit of fun on your own, it's not the end of the world really, and let him chase you a bit for a change, which he will if he's really interested - remember, you don't deserve any less.

[Jffs24]

Thats too bad, I wrote on your other thread that you made about him. Sometimes these things can be worked on and worked out, if BOTH parties want a relationship still -- if only one wants it, it can't.

Yeah, call him ONCE or text him ONCE about how you feel again, but only once and keep it simple not too detailed. Then ball is in his court and you work on you.

[Rowen]

Thank you both for responding. To be honest, though, the signs were kind of there for me. You see, when we were in our first few weeks of being dedicated to one another, that was when I cried in his arms (Not sure exactly when but it was around there). And a lot of why I cried was because I was so happy about the things he was saying and I never thought a man would say them to me. And I kept apologizing as he just kept holding me close and telling me he had me and wasn't letting go. But then he told me that I never have to apologize on the level that I do ever again. That he never wants me to be sorry. Well, I was doing good for a while, but eventually I started overly apologizing again and again. And it just sorta kept going despite Dave telling me otherwise. So I can see the progression myself because I remember how he was when I'd put my talents/efforts down. :S And as for his family, his mother is the only one who knows my age, and Dave told me when he told her, she didn't say anything and they haven't talked about it since.

However, today is much better, as he did text me this morning just as he normally would. And he was flirtatious and excited to hear from me. So I think the space helped-that and my manner when I texted him. Does that make sense?

And he was thrilled to hear I'm at my cousin's which is in the same town as his training for work. So in a half an hour or so, I'm going to text him asking if he wants to get together. And I hope we'll be able to spend this weekend together. Wish me luck!