Falling for someone, you shouldn't be falling for....

[smd]

Hi, Im 26 and i've been single now for 2 years. my last relationship lasted 5 years it ended really badly with my girlfriend cheating on me with one of my friends. It destroyed my life, I have pretty much been down and out until the start of this year where I finally started to pick my self up again.

At present i feel on top of the world, for the first time in a long long time I feel good again really good. A girl who started off as just someone I work with has become one of my best friends, what she doesn't know is i've had feelings for her for a few months, what makes it worse is she has a boyfriend, I'm not a home wrecker, I'm not going to try and steal this girl away from him. I know how that feels and I'd never do that to someone. So I have tried to pull myself away from her a bit now but I find she seems to want to hang around with me more now than ever.

So how do i deal with this?

Don't Tell Her and just carry on as we are?
Tell Her? then lose Her most probley altogether.

I think I have to tell her. I'm falling in love her and she cant even see it. Either way here I know this is going to end badly for me. Looking at us two together people think were the couple or our mates think we fancy each other so something needs to be said I just have no idea how to say it??? PLEASE HELP ME

[TheEvilJester]

There is never really an easy answer to something like this. It sounds to me like your best bet is to pull away. From what you are telling us, it is sounding like you don't think you can be just friends with her. If not, then your best bet is to try to pull away. The reason is this...

If you felt you could live with just being friends with her, I'd say stay friends. If you can do that, then you never know what may happen in the future. Her relationship could end, and maybe you would happen to still find yourself single at the time. Then maybe it could actually work out.

The problem is, if you don't feel like you can remain friends without it either a) being too hard on you, b) eventually getting out that you are interested in her as more than a friend or c) all of the above, then it is best not to torture yourself. Not to mention it could wind up being big trouble on her end no matter what. So many ways that could go bad. It could ruin the friendship or even hinder her relationship that maybe could have otherwise been good.

Either way, though, whether you can remain friends or not, it is also important for you to move on for now. Of course, not until you can actually get passed her, though. If you are just going to be dating other girls wishing they were her, you aren't ready. That wouldn't be fair to those girls. So, whether you stay friends with her or not, give yourself the chance to meet other girls. Who knows? Maybe you will find your true soulmate. Or in time, maybe this friend of yours will no longer be in a relationship and the way will be clear for you to ask her out. You just can't wait around forever, or worse, try to interfere in her relationship. You sound like a good person for not wanting to do that.


Either way, good luck, my friend.

[Wakeup]

Hi, Im 26 and i've been single now for 2 years. my last relationship lasted 5 years it ended really badly with my girlfriend cheating on me with one of my friends. It destroyed my life, I have pretty much been down and out until the start of this year where I finally started to pick my self up again.

Well, you're headed down the path that will lead you in the wrong direction. You have fear of commitment it would seem and that is why you are finding a taken woman so appealing.. afterall, you can't commit to her or her to you if she's already taken now can she.. I'd imagine that subconsciously she sounds very safe to you and so you're allowing yourself to tread down a slippery slope.

At present i feel on top of the world, for the first time in a long long time I feel good again really good. A girl who started off as just someone I work with has become one of my best friends, what she doesn't know is i've had feelings for her for a few months, what makes it worse is she has a boyfriend, I'm not a home wrecker, I'm not going to try and steal this girl away from him. I know how that feels and I'd never do that to someone. So I have tried to pull myself away from her a bit now but I find she seems to want to hang around with me more now than ever.

Oh yes you are trying to "steal her away" if you're selfish enough to lay your feeeeeeeelings on her when you know she has a boyfriend. None of what you suggest you do is a good way to handle this. What would be a good way to handle it is to distance yourself from her, stop doing one-on-one date like activities with her and stop hanging out with her, don't be her emotional tampon and don't allow her to be yours. Get over her, don't lay your feelings on someone who already has a boyfriend.

So how do i deal with this?

Don't Tell Her and just carry on as we are?
Tell Her? then lose Her most probley altogether.

I think I have to tell her. I'm falling in love her and she cant even see it.

Don't be selfish and silly. See above paragraph to understand what you should do.

Either way here I know this is going to end badly for me. Looking at us two together people think were the couple or our mates think we fancy each other so something needs to be said I just have no idea how to say it??? PLEASE HELP ME

Selfish, selfish, selfish. Quit your playing around and over stepping boundaries (your own personal and her relationship ones) first and step away completely so you can become more indifferent to her. If she isn't happy with her boyfriend then she should leave him. If she is happy with her boyfriend then you should respect that and back off until you are able to be logical and not so emotional about "what you should do."

[Heart Healer]

Hi Dear Friend,

In my opinion, you should speak your heart out to her in sometime to come. Understand, she likes you as a friend and NOT as her boyfriend or better-half. So, its always better to behave as one. Right now, you guys are in a phase where your friendship is STILL developing and you guys have not become best buddies yet, completely.

So, I would advice you to halt for sometime and don't do anything in haste. Give some more time to this friendship to develop completely. Give her a chance to know you better, open up with you a little more, tell you more about her own self etc. Wen you feel that the time has come when you guys have become really good friends who share almost everything with each other, you can speak your heart out and pour your feelings to her completely WITHOUT making any assumptions or having any expectations. Just go to her and tell her what you feel about her. Tell her that you know she has a boyfriend whom she loves a lot but you just want her to know what you feel for her because its getting really difficult for you to hide these feelings.

Don't expect anything from this. You know what her answer will be. Just wait for some more time, may be 2-3 months before you pour your feelings out to her. First become very good friends and then, you can go for it.

[smackie9]

For one thing, you are friend zoned, two, dating co-workers is bad news, three you are not in love you are obsessing over someone you know you can't have which increases the desire. Stop fantasizing and realize it's not going to happen, and stop being friends....you are being co-dependant, using her as your means of happiness.....this is why you find yourself locked in this situation and it's unhealthy.

Focus on activities, hanging out with friends outside of work...keep your personal life and work seperate.

[smackie9]

Hi Dear Friend,

In my opinion, you should speak your heart out to her in sometime to come. Understand, she likes you as a friend and NOT as her boyfriend or better-half. So, its always better to behave as one. Right now, you guys are in a phase where your friendship is STILL developing and you guys have not become best buddies yet, completely.

So, I would advice you to halt for sometime and don't do anything in haste. Give some more time to this friendship to develop completely. Give her a chance to know you better, open up with you a little more, tell you more about her own self etc. Wen you feel that the time has come when you guys have become really good friends who share almost everything with each other, you can speak your heart out and pour your feelings to her completely WITHOUT making any assumptions or having any expectations. Just go to her and tell her what you feel about her. Tell her that you know she has a boyfriend whom she loves a lot but you just want her to know what you feel for her because its getting really difficult for you to hide these feelings.

Don't expect anything from this. You know what her answer will be. Just wait for some more time, may be 2-3 months before you pour your feelings out to her. First become very good friends and then, you can go for it.

If a co-worker did this to me it sure as hell would make me feel real awkward and turn me off.

[Heart Healer]

If a co-worker did this to me it sure as hell would make me feel real awkward and turn me off.

Yes, that would obviously turn anybody down. But I feel, since its not a crime to love anybody, its not wrong to speak your heart out. If you hide your feelings, you are lying to yourself, somewhere. I am not asking him to snatch that girl from her boyfriend or do any nasty thing to break her relationship. All I want him to do is be honest to himself, to her and to this beautiful feeling called Love,and, just tell her what he honestly feel for her. Whatever the girl would say then, is something he should pay respect to. He has no right over the girl, but has complete rights to speak his heart out.

[Wakeup]

He doesn't "love" her for kristsakes, he's infatuated and USING her to make himself feel better instead of getting himself a full life and being happy while alone... and then looking for someone single who he doesn't need to be confessing unreciprocated feelings to.

You're infatuated and you mistake it for love. You are her friend. Don't listen to words that you want to hear and think that is the best route. Listen to L.O.G.I.C. and think about how you felt when your gf cheated on you and allowed another man to become between you and she. Had she distanced herself from him then she wouldn't have cheated on you. She may have still broken up with you but she wouldn't have done what she did to betray you like she did.

Now you're being councelled to be just like the guy that boinked your gf. Don't confess anything to her. Just distance yourself until your feelings of infatuation have dimitioned and you've come to your senses. In the meantime start taking up a coed sport, a coed group activity, join a gym, take a special interest class anything really, that will take your mind off your obsession and help you to be a well rounded, happy and interesting individual and you'll find that you will find a woman who is free to be with you.

[smackie9]

Yes, that would obviously turn anybody down. But I feel, since its not a crime to love anybody, its not wrong to speak your heart out. If you hide your feelings, you are lying to yourself, somewhere. I am not asking him to snatch that girl from her boyfriend or do any nasty thing to break her relationship. All I want him to do is be honest to himself, to her and to this beautiful feeling called Love,and, just tell her what he honestly feel for her. Whatever the girl would say then, is something he should pay respect to. He has no right over the girl, but has complete rights to speak his heart out.

Yes that's right....he has every right to make himself look like a complete utter fool.

[Heart Healer]

Yes that's right....he has every right to make himself look like a complete utter fool.

You are perhaps mistaken.
Its not about making a fool of himself. Its about staying true to himself, staying honest to her and respecting her decisions. That's it !!

Moreover, I have asked him to halt for sometime. Now, this time would be enough for him to analyse the whole situation, realize the reality and make a difference between infatuation and love. If he really thinks, he love her, what's wrong with speaking his heart out. I never asked him to propose her or ask her hand for marriage. I just told him to pour out his feelings.

[TablesandChairs]

These things happen - you're not the devil for liking someone who is attached; her having a boyfriend doesn't magically make her un-wantable. And by all means, since they're good friends, his feelings may be genuine. Sucks that she's in a relationship but that's life.

If you guys have a level of trust between you, tell her you have a slight crush on her and would prefer you hung out less until you can get a grip on your feelings because you realize she has a boyfriend and you mean no disrespect towards their relationship.

Or, back away and don't say anything, which will confuse her and/or make her feel like you simply no longer want to be friends.

Or, proceed and keep your feelings to yourself, which won't be doing you any favors.

[Wakeup]

Or, back away and don't say anything, which will confuse her and/or make her feel like you simply no longer want to be friends.

Actually, (and in my opinion) "no longer wanting to be friends" would be a good goal for him to aspire to particularily because he'd like to be more then a friend and there isn't much point in torturing oneself with hope and longing. "Temporarily distancing oneself" until feelings are in check rarely works for long.

[Wakeup]

what's wrong with speaking his heart out.

How would you feel if some guy was speaking his heart out to your girlfriend and making her confused and uncomfortable with his unreciprocated feelings. She.Has.A.Boyfriend. What about that statement don't you understand. Why is it you can not understand why he should respect her relationship and NOT be telling people that he hasn't even had more then at work interaction with?

This is not like they are dating, have been interacting as a true couple and now is time to tell her he loves her.

[smackie9]

His motivation is to expresses his feeling so he can get closer to his goal in getting with her, not being "true to himself" duh. And ya like Wakeup said, would you like someone doing that to YOUR gf? No you would want to punch his face in.

[TheEvilJester]

I definitely have to agree in the thought that telling her his feelings would be a bad idea. After all, what good would that do? Maybe he would feel unburdened, but it could very well cause her to feel uncomfortable and hinder the relationship. Not to mention, it could potentially cause problems in her relationship. Plus, if he confessed to her and it actually resulted in them getting together, then that wouldn't exactly say much about her. What would keep her from just doing that to him when somebody else came along?

So, I really don't see any reason to share his feelings with her, unless maybe she were to become single (and he also is still single at the time). So, as I said the answer seems to depend. If he trusts he can keep his feelings in check, realize he can't mess with somebody's relationship, and then legitimately live with just being friends, then why lose a perfectly good friendship? Eventually he'll meet somebody else and move on, and then he could still have a good friend in her. Or fate could even wind up putting them together after all. You never know.

But, again, I feel if he doesn't trust he can keep his feelings in check, or thinks he cannot see being just friends, then best to distance himself.