Expectations from a girlfriend?

[MMX]

I've recently been seeing a girl for about a month and a half now. She and I get along well but recently I've noticed that she isn't as open about her feelings as I am and will not show any signs of affection or let alone put forth compliments to show she appreciates having me. For example, I could tell her about how much I like her and care about her and miss her and stuff and she on the other hand would acknowledge all that but would never reciprocate to it. Oddly enough she has always been like this and just to even start dating her I had to basically get her to admit to me that she liked me but she agreed and seemed to be fond of the idea. It just took a lot of digging around to just figure out that she liked me back, etc.

Now today is my birthday, The time here is about 2pm, I've had a fair few people wish me happy birthday already & some of them weren't even close friends. She hasn't yet though and I know that she is going away today on a 3 day trip. So my question is, regardless of whatever she has going on, it wouldn't take more than 3 secs to send a text and wish me. So am I just making a big deal out of nothing or am I really coming into the realization that she can't meet my typical expectations & she isn't good enough for me?

Even so, is it too much to expect your partner to give you little compliments or show little verbal or text appreciation? She is the same on text as she is in person, very closed up. Getting conversations going with her is sometimes tough. Unless I bring up a specific topic to talk about she won't talk much but when I do bring up something she usually has plenty to share. And just to clarify, the trip she is going on is with a close girlfriend of her. I honestly doubt she is cheating on me since she has been single for over 2-3 years now and she does seem focused on me (I think)

I'll elaborate though that I always try my best to make her feel special and appreciated but up to this point she has not once by herself told me anything to make me feel like that. So in summary it feels like she will not act out of affection unless I bring it out of her. Moreover I just don't feel like I'm in a relationship as she does not try or do anything at all to show she cares about me or has feelings for me. I have to organize dates I have to take her out I have to do everything in terms of making the whole relationship work.

I'm now considering just breaking up with her. It upsets me that she can't make me feel the way I want to be felt in a relationship and it feels to me that I'm forcing myself to be with her. I've given her chance after chance to show anything that would remotely come close to a sense of care and affection.

Can anyone please shed light on what I'm supposed to do here? And please provide some personal opinion?

The last thing I want to do is stress over this as I'm in the middle of exams & have one tomorrow.
I wish I had others to talk who would be experienced or helpful to but really I don't have anyone.

Thank you.

[TablesandChairs]

Have you communicated this to her in a non-confrontational kind of way? Like - 'Look, it seems you make no effort...you don't initiate, you don't communicate, you don't reciprocate...why is this? It makes me feel like x y z. Do you want to be in this relationship?' Discuss your expectations and what her reasons for being so aloof are.

But - your expectation to at least have a text 'happy birthday' is something that anyone would expect of their partner (most would expect a lot more - a night out, a gift, some effort)...if she can't even manage that, then I'd reconsider the relationship.

[MMX]

Have you communicated this to her in a non-confrontational kind of way? Like - 'Look, it seems you make no effort...you don't initiate, you don't communicate, you don't reciprocate...why is this? It makes me feel like x y z. Do you want to be in this relationship?' Discuss your expectations and what her reasons for being so aloof are.

But - your expectation to at least have a text 'happy birthday' is something that anyone would expect of their partner (most would expect a lot more - a night out, a gift, some effort)...if she can't even manage that, then I'd reconsider the relationship.

Thanks for the reply.
I've vaguely kind of mentioned it to her that I want to feel appreciated and cared for & that she should try to be more open about her feelings for me like I am with her. I didn't elaborate on it much I kept reiterating that I want to be made felt happy and wanted. Like she wouldn't ask me how my day went so I said "it wouldn't hurt you to ask me how my day went or try to show you care about what I did today, etc". She did acknowledge and try to follow through later on.

I ended up texting her first but I was subtle. All I said was "I think I'm done with you", then didn't reply for a bit because I didn't want to get aggravated about the situation and take out my temper on her. She constantly kept asking me what I meant by that text and then I finally replied saying "I'm upset and in no mood to discuss this with you now, so I will talk to you in person when you get back". That was my last text. It really took every ounce of me to not get mad and just abuse her through text after laying my heart out for her and feeling unappreciated.

Do you think it's worth sitting down with her and telling her I want this and that from her in the relationship and if she can't do it I should not be with her? I could have a conversation with her but I don't want to feel like I'm giving her an option because apparently I've come to the realization that if a girl cannot provide me an ounce of love and affection that I give to them, they aren't good enough for me. I have really given her chance after chance to prove it but she has failed all up.

[Boisdevie]

I have really given her chance after chance to prove it but she has failed all up.

You gave her a chance. She doesn't sound particularly interested in you so dump her. Lots of other women out there you know.

[MMX]

You gave her a chance. She doesn't sound particularly interested in you so dump her. Lots of other women out there you know.

That is a bit forward my friend.
My point was I have tried to get her to open up and she hasn't listened yet. So in terms of chances it is more like a day to day basis and she hasn't proven herself yet. However, I haven't had the non-confrontational conversation with her yet & that is what I've planned to have with her when she gets back, if and only if someone can make me believe that worth it.

[TablesandChairs]

MMX - there's a difference between being a bit emotionally 'stunted' and being an inconsiderate asshole. I'll elaborate:

Someone who isn't so forward with their feelings might not always say 'I love you' or display verbal/physical affection but they will do other stuff that shows they care - look after you when you're sick, cook you something, make an effort on your birthday, get you something you've always wanted, take an interest in your life...countless things.

An inconsiderate, selfish person is more alone the lines of what you describe...it's not that she's not expressing her feelings...she's not lifting a single finger in any way. If you can't even expect her to wish you 'happy birthday', what can you expect? You can't conduct a one way relationship.

[MMX]

MMX - there's a difference between being a bit emotionally 'stunted' and being an inconsiderate asshole. I'll elaborate:

Someone who isn't so forward with their feelings might not always say 'I love you' or display verbal/physical affection but they will do other stuff that shows they care - look after you when you're sick, cook you something, make an effort on your birthday, get you something you've always wanted, take an interest in your life...countless things.

An inconsiderate, selfish person is more alone the lines of what you describe...it's not that she's not expressing her feelings...she's not lifting a single finger in any way. If you can't even expect her to wish you 'happy birthday', what can you expect? You can't conduct a one way relationship.

I think you've given me a real good perspective in this. I don't want to make it seem like I'm the victim but it's just that I've poured a lot more into this than her.
I've texted her and told her that I would like to discuss it in person like you suggested (in the non confrontational way) so till Monday, I don't think I will communicate with her any more. I think she still has no clue why I am upset but oh well. Either way I think I should still talk to her in person if I am to break up with her, rather than it be through text, it sounds like the more mature thing to do right?

PS: Beyond all her negatives she did have some positives too. For example, when I was at her place my allergies kicked in and my eyes were awful so she put eye drops in my eyes and also gave me some tablets. I guess it's still little things but she did show she cared enough to do that from her own than me asking. That's why I feel so conflicted here. I don't know what is going through her head. She did end up wishing me but that's after I sent that text saying "i think i'm done with you".

[Boisdevie]

I don't want to make it seem like I'm the victim but it's just that I've poured a lot more into this than her.

A successful relationship involves an equal contribution from both parties. From what I hear in your case it's just one way traffic. Now if you had a relationship of say, a few years, then it would make sense to make a big effort to save things but you've only been with this girl for 6 weeks - so why is it so hard to just dump her?

[okwhat2013]

Dude they are telling you straight up that her interested is low. My current girlfriend is naturally shy so at first yes she had a hard time showing affection for me. However once She realized I was very interested in her she definitely showed affection for me. Being shy only effects the way they act before they r sure you like them back. Once they know you like them they usually show more affection than a non shy girl. I will tell you one thing. It sounds like you might be a little clingy which is a big turn off especially early on in the relationship. I would say either pull way back or just break up because I would bet money right now she is talking down about you to her friends and shopping around for a better option. Good luck.

[basilandthyme]

I haven't had the non-confrontational conversation with her yet & that is what I've planned to have with her when she gets back, if and only if someone can make me believe that worth it.

Considering the "I think I'm done with you" and "we'll talk about it when you get back" texts you sent, I think it's too late for that non-confrontational conversation. Them's fightin' words

[MMX]

Dude they are telling you straight up that her interested is low. My current girlfriend is naturally shy so at first yes she had a hard time showing affection for me. However once She realized I was very interested in her she definitely showed affection for me. Being shy only effects the way they act before they r sure you like them back. Once they know you like them they usually show more affection than a non shy girl. I will tell you one thing. It sounds like you might be a little clingy which is a big turn off especially early on in the relationship. I would say either pull way back or just break up because I would bet money right now she is talking down about you to her friends and shopping around for a better option. Good luck.

I appreciate that you're trying to help but you're post seems contradictory. You've related your situation to me & it seems like we are in identical situations. You said your girlfriend was shy too then showed affection, maybe this is the same case here? Because as I said earlier, once I told her to communicate with me effectively she did put forth efforts to do so. She acknowledged and applied one aspect of something I mentioned.

Also, what have I said at all that makes me sound clingy in any form? expecting a birthday wish on your b'day from your partner is clingy? or expecting some form of affection or compliments from your partner is also clingy? I thought that is how a relationship works? If your girlfriend doesn't at all tell you she likes you or she likes spending time with you and wants to see you or misses you etc, and you do all that, does that make you clingy? Moreover, she has been single for several years and had no problem with it so I don't know what makes you assume that she is shopping around for a better option. Its a stereotypical response you've given me and the only thing I can take from it is break up or give her space. Well i'm not talking to her till she gets back anyways so we'll see. If I break up I break up.

Besides the point, the problem is that the girl is sending mixed signals or is just socially awkward. She has very few friends as far as I know and she is originally from the states so there is very little interaction she has with people apart from work. I'm not trying to defend her but I'm trying to find the reason behind her closed personality.

[MMX]

Considering the "I think I'm done with you" and "we'll talk about it when you get back" texts you sent, I think it's too late for that non-confrontational conversation. Them's fightin' words

The point of that was to show her I was upset and it did work. Because now I'm not talking to her & she knows she did something wrong. I'm not trying to play the guilt trip but she has to come into realization of how she makes me feel & if she doesn't I just have to point it out at her after she gets back and then break up.

There's really no win-win situation for me here either way.

[basilandthyme]

The point of that was to show her I was upset and it did work. Because now I'm not talking to her & she knows she did something wrong. I'm not trying to play the guilt trip but she has to come into realization of how she makes me feel & if she doesn't I just have to point it out at her after she gets back and then break up.

There's really no win-win situation for me here either way.

What I meant is that the text you sent was a breakup text. I'm not sure how to move forward in a productive manner if you've already sent that to her.

[random20]

It seems to me that if this does work out, or if you enter into a new relationship you should look into the 5 languages of love. My guess is that she naturally doesn't communicate her love in the way you do. This book helps us to see the different ways some of us are wired. It encourages couples to adapt to the love language that their partner needs. You need words, maybe hers is physical touch. I didn't get the impression from what you were saying that it was intentional on her part, she probably just doesn't know how to communicate verbally the way you do, or it doesn't come naturally.

[searock]

Instead of texting her with those passive-aggressive messages, you should have told her calmly "We need to talk when you get back, about how I feel regarding your lack of affection and apparent non-caring. In this specific instance, I waited all day for you to wish me a happy birthday, and I got nothing. That makes me feel like you don't care for me as much as I care for you. We will talk about this on your return. Have a nice trip xx."

It seems that you only talked to her vaguely about the issue, and then you proceeded to send those passive-agressive texts. That's not good communication. Anyway, you can still talk it out once she gets back, although of course she will probably be frustrated as well as you, now that those texts have been sent.

As far as her behaviour goes, I think it has to do with the fact that she has been single for 3 years. She has "forgotten" what it's like to be in a relationship, with all the small gestures of affection and appreciation that come with it. It has only been a month and a half after all.

Maybe, though, if you had been a "perfect match" for her, those small gestures would have come more spontaneously to her anyway, 3 years of singledom-ness or not. This is what you should talk about.

P.S. I also second random20's idea of educating yourself about "The Five Languages Of Love". Even if you don't read the book, there's a simple online test you can take to figure out what your primary language of love is: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/husbands/ (I selected the "husbands" option because it doesn't have a "boyfriends" one, aggravatingly).