Culture diferrence??? Please help

[November Tran]

Hi,

I am really worry about my dear friend and dont know what to do. Thanks heaps if you can give me advices
My friend is dating a Western guy (we are Asian- 100% ). There is something about this guy that her family and I dont really like (I come to that shortly) but I am not sure that that is his personality or it's just culture difference. And I dont want my friend got hurt as she loves this guy very much.
I am well aware of the fact that in Western culture, guys and girls are independent in most of things even money. I even saw couple share bills after meals although I dont know how deep their relationship was (things are completely different in my culture ).
My friend knew this Aussie guy through friends when they were both working in Singapore. They developed quite a close and intimate relationship. He has now moved back to his country and settled down. However, they want to have distance relationship and see if things work out. He sometimes visit her in Singapore and she sometimes come to Australia to visit myself and him. They often talk on Skype.
When she visited him in his home town, she stayed in hotel and he came to stay with her in the hotel for the whole time; but in the end, he suggested to share the hotel bill. My friend said it's ok she would pay all; he agreed.
They planned for holiday, he suggested to share hotel bill.
When we eat out, (my friend, her brother, her boy friend and myself), I paid for my part, that boyfriend suggested to pay for his part- then my friend said that she would pay for all and she did.
They went out, it's very hot and sunny and my friend wanted to buy a hat. He said that he would buy her a hat. But then when she chose the hat that costed nearly $20 then it seemed like he did want to pay; she read that and pay it on her own.
The point I want to make here is that the guy seems to make it clear that he does not want to spend any money for my friend (even a hat) but he does not want her to pay for him either (even when they have very very close relationship- with that I meant they have had sex).
In my culture, if we have gotten this close, guys absolutely dont mind paying meals or a hat. If traveling is expensive, we save money together (or share or guy pay if he can afford it)
Is it normal when guys share bills like that in Western culture? Does this guy see the relationship with my friend serious or he is just treating her something like friends with benefit?

[bluesummer]

Ok well I see two issues here. First of all, when the guy is offering to share the bill, your friend keeps offering to pay the whole thing. Why? Secondly, when she offers to pay his share he really should say NO, or at least offer to pay the whole thing once in awhile. So his actions tell me he's sort of cheap and maybe taking a bit of advantage of her.

I can't speak for all of 'Western culture' as it really does differ from person to person, but on a general level I find when dating most couples try to share the bill or at least offer to share. I didn't let my husband buy me dinner for ages. However, he does pay for things totally once in awhile, and sometimes I will. All in all, I think the goal is generally to try and keep things equal. Of course there are people that try to take advantage of someone making more money than them, but it's not everyone.

Bottom line, your friend needs to stop offering to pay. Sharing is fine. He sounds like he's willing to split the bill just fine, but he shouldn't be letting her pick up the bill all the time unless he's going to do it too. So tell her to stop doing that and see how things go.

[basilandthyme]

I'm also Australian and western. If your friend wants her boyfriend to pay, she should not offer to pay a share. Instead, she should graciously accept his offer.

[searock]

I'm western and yes, it's perfectly normal for couples to share the bills. Sometimes some guys offer to pay out of gallantry or whatever, but lots of women insist on splitting the bill. My boyfriend and I usually alternate, so that if he pays today, I pay tomorrow, and so on. We do sometimes buy each other gifts, but again it's a two-way street.

[lust]

I am Asian girl too, and recently i dated a European guy. He is generally good. But he is a bit same like your friend's boyfriend in term of money.
I always make excuse that he is travelling for 1 year, so he need to save money, so i try make everything convinient for him and try to not let him feel bad. for instance, if we want to meet, i would tell him that i could take taxi to his place or i paid for this meal, and the day affer he paid. But if he invited me something i would try to find a cheap place and chose the cheapest dish.
Whenever i went out somewher, if i saw this hat is nice on him, i would buy it. If i saw this Tshirt is cute for him, i would buy it... so everything i think for him.
When we planned to have holliday, i was sure that i would pay for me. But he turned me off by asking " are u ok with money? can u afford?.."
But i make excuse for him again that it is western culture and he is running out of money after 1 year travel.
But i felt really disappointed when he bought many gifts for his friends when he came back his country without buying me any gift.
I really don't care for gift or money stuff. But it shows that he even didn't have thought for me.
I was really confused Because i still find him is good boy. Now we are friend since we are long distance.
So

[November Tran]

Hi guys,

Many thanks for your advices.

I totally understand the sharing culture and I think it's fair otherwise guys would be broke after dating only couple of girls.
The thing is I want to distinguish the "sharing" with the "calculating". I think my friend's boy friend is a quite of a "calculating" guy as to my expectation, I am on the same page with Bluesummer and searock. And as to Lust, I am afraid same thing would happen to my friend (that he does not care much about her)
It's hard