Am I being controlling/jealous??

[Cbud92]

Hey peoples,

So I'll get right into it. My girlfriend and I have been together for 7 years. We are very close and love each other very much. About 6 months ago she started a blog on tumblr. The blog was oriented towards fetish/pretty things and she would regularly talk to her followers about her fetish and explore it with them through casual role playing and what not. It never bothered me since it was merely an outlet for her to explore her own sexuality and interests.

Eventually, she met a guy who started to follow her. She really liked his blog and they chatted here and there. Eventually they exchanged numbers and chat over text and sometimes for an hour or so over calls. They both share a lot of interests and even fetishes. On top of that she's really attracted to him (physically) Her and I share the fetishes too but she says she just likes to talk to someone else about them too. I kinda let it go for a while until eventually they were texting almost all day everyday. At this point I got kind of worried, I felt uncomfortable and kind of disrespected.

Anytime I tried to talk about it with her she insists I'm just being jealous and he's just a friend. In her current situation in life, she lacks real friends. She moved back home with her parents after school and since has had literally no real friendships.. There was only us. So naturally, she doesn't want to let go of this guy who she considers a real friend, even though he lives 6 hours away.

Eventually I decided I couldn't stand feeling jealous anymore and I showed her how distraught I was and demanded she cut it out. She said she loves me and wouldn't want to hurt me like that and agreed to cut all ties with him. It worked for a few days but she could still check his blog on tumblr and there were little posts he would make here and there to kind of lure her into talking again. Eventually she started to break and secretly chatted with him here and there behind my back. I find out and she just gets really upset and tells me she thinks it's bullshit she can't talk to him and I'm being controlling. I try to explain to her that I wouldn't be uncomfortable with them talking if they didn't have the kind of relationship they do, sharing fetishes and even RPing with each other. She just doesn't get it though, from what she says, she makes it seem like I'm just completely jealous and controlling and there's nothing wrong with how they talk or their relationship.

Anyway, I'll edit things in later that I missed as I think of them but I just really need advice on what to do next.

Please, try to reply in a strictly neutral stand point and no "just dump her" posts. I'm trying to find out if there is a way to remedy this situation so her and I are both happy and not just give up on the girl I'm truly in love with.

Thanks guys!!

[3mK]

To be honest with you man I think you made a big mistake telling her not to communicate with this guy.

You said he lives over 6 hours away so chances are, unless she disappears for a day or two with no good explanations, she isn't going to see this guy. But now she vents to him about the trouble you have caused and you know how guys are when a girl needs a shoulder to cry on. They tend try to use their crotch as that shoulder telling her what she wants to hear to further wedge you two apart.

I'm sorry man.

[basilandthyme]

Cbud, I think the answers you will receive will be much the same as last time you posted this http://www.loveforum.net/threads/85373-Need-some-reasonable-advice!!!-Please-help!

Is there any reason you're posting this again? Do you think we'll see it differently this time around?

[Starnique]

Yeah she's being disrespectful. Obviously she has feelings for this guy. Tell her its over due to her lack of respect and taking you for a joke. I don't think you made a mistake by telling her how you felt. In relationships you got a right to tell your partner how you feel or if something makes you uncomfortable. What man would be ok with this? She's insulting your intelligence by lying and expecting you to believe it.

Move on already.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Please, try to reply in a strictly neutral stand point and no "just dump her" posts. I'm trying to find out if there is a way to remedy this situation so her and I are both happy and not just give up on the girl I'm truly in love with.

Thanks guys!!

Just accept that you're a bitch and get on with your life.

[Cbud92]

I know I posted a similar situation a month ago. However it's evolved since then and a lot of stuff has changed/been better so instead of editing that post I made a new one. This is the current and only issue at hand and I needed advice pertaining directly to it.

Thank you 3mK.. I kind of agree, however I just can't handle the feeling of disrespect and jealousy I get when she's talking to him all the time. I figured I wasn't in the wrong to bring it up and demand a change.

Listen, what I need to know is how I confront the situation as it is. Do I present an ultimatum to her? Like "it's me or him" type thing? We've been through a lot just as any long term relationship does, this just doesn't seem like a reason for me to let go of her instead of trying to find a compromise, if one exists.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

An ultimatum will only work if you're willing to actually leave.

Nothing in your situation has changed. You are still a bitch. She is still in contact and wants to **** this other guy, and god knows what else with this fetish stuff you keep talking about. Situation is the exact same, only now she knows you're complete chickenshit, and are scared to walk. Stop being such a pussy why dontcha?

[Cbud92]

I'd much rather have other peoples input but I'll respond to you once backuporgetstng.

People want to **** each other all the time.. When was the last time you were in a relationship and didn't see a beautiful person and thought "wow I'd love to have sex with them". It's when there is more than lust involved and there's emotional connection there when things change.

"Bitches" or "pussies" as you put it.. Are the people that up and move on from a relationship just because the shit gets rough and confusing. But it's the real men and women that stick around to see if there's a way to fix it if it's meant to be fixed.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Okay, that's one more thing that hasn't changed...her emotional connection with him. She is compelled to continue talking to him because she truly enjoys it. He does something for her that you can't.

Shit is not rough and confusing. It's actually glaringly obvious. She is not as attracted to you as she is to him. If he were closer, she would be with him. You know this. Bitches and pussies are dudes that accept bullshit because they're too pussy or to bitch to demand respect. Bitch.

[Starnique]

"Bitches" or "pussies" as you put it.. Are the people that up and move on from a relationship just because the shit gets rough and confusing. But it's the real men and women that stick around to see if there's a way to fix it if it's meant to be fixed.

I'm a woman and I can see that it would be so easy to walk all over you. She is bluntly disrespecting you and your feelings. I'm a woman and I'm telling you this. You are being a wuss about this and its unattractive.

[Cbud92]

After talking to friends about it I've pretty much come to this conclusion..

In her current life she has no friends. Ever since she had to move back into the families place she has lost all of her close friends and has no real way of making more. This is why she's really holding on to this one other friend that she can talk to rather than just me. I cannot blame her for wanting someone else to feel comfortable talking about things OTHER than just me.

I think it's my insecurities and lack of trust in her that I feel this way about her talking to this guy. I honestly think that me trying to tell her who she can and can't be friends with and what to do is just pushing her away from me and making me the bad guy.

I think the reason you guys think I'm getting walked all over is because you don't realize how bad her friendship situation is. She has no one else to talk to about intimate or even troubling things besides me.

I guess what I'm saying is we are both at fault. Me for not trusting her and our relationship in the first place and then her for making things perhaps a little too intimate for comfort with this guy.

I don't need anyone to tell me I'm a bitch or being walked over.. If that were truly the case I wouldn't be here trying to find a way to deal with this.. Instead I'd be kissing her feet and telling her I'm okay when I'm really not.

[RobertWQ]

Something doesn't make sense in all this, and it's the excuse you're telling yourself.

You are saying she has to be into this guy "because of her friendship situation."

That makes no sense. She can find other friends, or she can spend time with you until she gets things together.


This is classic rationalizing behavior. And what do you think the guy is thinking? Is he just lacking friends too so he talks to some chick about sexual fetishes online all day?


Something is wrong here IMO (as someone who is not an expert).


I would probably break up with this girl if she insisted on continuing this type of interaction with the guy (could you spend hours talking about fetish fantasies with some chick? Try it out and see how she feels).


And what do you mean by "roleplaying" anyway... are they talking about graphic sexual stuff?

Because to me if you have:

- Emotional Intimacy

- Lots of time together

- Some type of sex play


That's a boyfriend / girlfriend relationship, not a friendship.

[random20]

THe whole situation seems wrong, that she would even have a blog about those things when she is in a committed relationship. You permitted her to have it and start the relationship with this guy - you sort of set yourself up for that. But if any of this bothers you I think you are entitled to feel that way. It's not respectful. She should be focusing her emotional and physical energy on you for sure. But why did you let it even get that far? The whole thing is inappropriate in my opinion.

[TablesandChairs]

If I did this to my partner, he would have left me before I even got a chance to say "Sorry!". But that's probably because he knows his worth and won't up with a disrespectful cow.

[Starnique]

I guess you'll stick around as her temporary fix because the time is going to come when she will be able to be with him and she's gonna leave you high and dry and then maybe you'll see how stupid you're being at this point.

If you really love somebody and care about their feelings and you tell them their doing something that hurts you or make you feel uncomfortable and they continue to do it with no efforts to change it, they don't give a damn about you or value you whatsoever. She probably even fantasize about him when you all have sex.

Why not learn to respect yourself? I'm all woman and I can tell you from experience, you are not her first choice.