need help

[surajgrg083]

we had been dating for nearly a year. last september, we had to break up because my family did not accept it. it was hard for both of us and still is. is has been around 2 months since we formally broke up.
Then after a month of our break up, i came to know she has been going out wit a guy whom she might get married to within 3 months. its like an arranged marriage. i spoke to her about it and then she told me she still loves me but her family are pressuring her to marry as she is getting older day by day. since i cannot go against my family, she has agreed to marry him. its like " since you cannot go against your family, i am going to marry him even though i love you"
i still want her back and now i am ready to go against all my family to marry her. i want to ask her to be mine again but im not sure. i feel she moved on too early. she says she still loves me but shes with him now.
kindly please help.

[basilandthyme]

It sounds to me like her family made the decision to move her on....she's just doing what she's told.

Why are your family against you marrying her? And what negative outcomes (if any) would happen if you do marry her?

Also, how old are you both?

[surajgrg083]

my family is against it because we belong to different castes and also because she is older to me. if i am to marry her then i would have to go against my whole family and probably cut off all family ties.
she is 25 and i am 23.

[michelle23]

Youd likely have to move countries too?

Did you wana marry her before family got involved?

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

[JinVA]

While I respect other cultures and try to understand the different ways of life, I personally find the caste system a very inhumane way to unnecessarily segregate people and perpetuate biases that are harmful.

That said, you are living in it, not me, I can only give my perspective. If you really are in love, well then your family needs to learn to love you for who you are and what you want. If they do not respect that then their love is very limited and they will allow prejudices to limit their love for their own, which is very sad.

Now in American terms, you are both young and rushing into marriage is not necessary at this junction, but I do understand the cultural aspect and can appreciate the dilemma. My personal opinion would be if it is true love between the two of you, then you make your own family and life together. I know it is easier said than done in certain aspects, but it is not until enough people stand up for what is right that changes will start to occur. Look at the US, in the 60's "interracial" marriages were illegal in many states still. In the 70's and 80's it was still highly frowned upon. By the 90's it was becoming generally accepted, and by the start of the new millennium it has become common place and seen as a non-issue for most. So change is slow, but it does happen.

Again if it is true love, then consider leaving India and relocating together to start your new family.

[Boisdevie]

My advice to the OP - here in the modern world people normalluy get to choose their partner without all this bullshite (caste, customs, wacky religious stuff, familys who like to control their kids) getting in the way. You, my friend, are screwed.

[Wakeup]

I suggest you ask your mother what woman she wants you to marry and start to get to know her.

[toby_larone]

While I respect other cultures and try to understand the different ways of life, I personally find the caste system a very inhumane way to unnecessarily segregate people and perpetuate biases that are harmful.

That said, you are living in it, not me, I can only give my perspective. If you really are in love, well then your family needs to learn to love you for who you are and what you want. If they do not respect that then their love is very limited and they will allow prejudices to limit their love for their own, which is very sad.

Now in American terms, you are both young and rushing into marriage is not necessary at this junction, but I do understand the cultural aspect and can appreciate the dilemma. My personal opinion would be if it is true love between the two of you, then you make your own family and life together. I know it is easier said than done in certain aspects, but it is not until enough people stand up for what is right that changes will start to occur. Look at the US, in the 60's "interracial" marriages were illegal in many states still. In the 70's and 80's it was still highly frowned upon. By the 90's it was becoming generally accepted, and by the start of the new millennium it has become common place and seen as a non-issue for most. So change is slow, but it does happen.

Again if it is true love, then consider leaving India and relocating together to start your new family.

I agree for the most part but I can't help but just challenge you on one thing.

You say "change is slow" and reference interracial marriage between 1960s through to the 2000s. Even if on top of that you include the slave trade a century or so before you are still missing the point. In countries where arranged marriage is a normal way of life they have been doing this for a period of time no doubt many times longer than the US has even existed. I'm not saying I support it, I don't but "change is slow" just seems, pointless. The caste system is identified with Hinduism ... I'm not going to bother googling that to see how old it is.

I would love to see it changed. Who knows, maybe it will one day. But their definition/concept of marriage is different to ours. Looking at the definition of marriage from a western view (which I share with you) marriage is all about love. In India marriage is often seen as something different. It is about economy, religion, culture, history and family. If their very ideals and understanding of what marriage is, is different, then how can you expect them to adopt the western definition of marriage as a love centered act?

The last point is the scary bit: "consider leaving india" not because you are wrong, because you are right! It isn't the caste system that bothers me to much it is the punishment if you do not conform to it that gets me angry. They have to leave india/go into hiding.

Interesting post!

[smackie9]

Your culture is steeped in tradition and family honor is everything. Sorry but if you want respect your ex GF, you must back off. She has made up her mind to stick with her family's wishes. If you go in there stirring up crap because you love her it is only going cause her great grief with her family. It's a no brainer her family is of more importance to her than you are.

[michelle23]

Hun if i was born into the caste system, i would rwbel agsinst it, turn my back on my family and run away to another western country to marry an english or irish man.. sorry but the caste system was over ruled 100 years ago and its inhumane and freaking insane. Worse than a cult. Id get out now

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

[smackie9]

Where I live there is a very large Indian population and the caste system is still practiced here. It's a deeply rooted in tradition and it's not as bad as you think it is. Not everyone is married off into misery. Some rules are relaxed and the couple can make the choice to say they are not suitable, so the family will just select another suitor. I went to high school with an Indian girl and she was absolutely delighted with whom her parents had selected as her husband to be. They were married 3 months later. She was back to school the following Monday. It's very foreign to us but it doesn't make it a horrible thing. The OP is just pissed at the fact he doesn't measure up to her family's standards.

[michelle23]

I know smackie i get that but the caste system says you cant marry someone from a different caste to you. If your fathers a doctor, you will be a doctor. If hes a cleaner youll be a cleaner. It doesnt allow for change. Your parents have a huge say in how you live your adult life. Get divorced-your outcast, marry a muslim-your dead to the family.. etc it has too many rules and constantly expected to live up to their standards.. sure some people are happy with it (likely brainwashed) but others miserable.

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

[smackie9]

You base your view on what is portrayed in the media. I have had the opportunity to actually know women who live and choose to live under these what you call "rules". They are beliefs not rules. You shouldn't shoot your mouth off about something you really don't know that much about. You only see things through christian, white western point of view.

[surajgrg083]

The OP is just pissed at the fact he doesn't measure up to her family's standards.

The thing here is that both of our family knows about us. Her family were happy with our relation and had agreed to get us married. The problem is that my family did not accept it. As i had stated before that if i am to marry her then i would have to go against "my family".
The line about me being pissed off is not valid.

[michelle23]

You base your view on what is portrayed in the media. I have had the opportunity to actually know women who live and choose to live under these what you call "rules". They are beliefs not rules. You shouldn't shoot your mouth off about something you really don't know that much about. You only see things through christian, white western point of view.

No i studied this in a lot of detail in college. Social stratification. Im allowed to have an opinion on it and feel its a cult. I was rared catholic and feel thats a cult too lol so im not being biased

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk