Financial trouble with girlfriend

[thac21]

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost two years now. We were together when we both lived in the same city, but at the beginning of the year I moved away to go back to school. At the time we were thinking about moving in together. Since then we've been doing the long distance thing, I go home often to see her along with friends and family (its only a few hour drive). Things are great.

The problem is that we've decided to move in together, more specifically, she is going to move here. I have a lot of money, more than enough to comfortably support the both of us for a while, at least until I'm done with school. She doesn't really know exactly how much I have, but she knows I have a lot. She, on the other hand, has no money. She grew up extremely poor, lives with her parents, works a shitty part time job that she hates, and generally just doesn't have money to do much of anything. She was also unemployed just doing nothing for a long time prior to this job, so she is used to literally having no money to ever do anything, or buy anything she wants. My apartment is plenty big for the both of us, and I decided (not positive this was a good idea) that she didn't have to pay me rent or anything if she moved in here. Nothing would really change as far as my expenses go, which is the way I looked at it, so I wasn't going to make her pay me anything.

The problem came up when she asked me if I wanted her to get a job when she got here. To be honest I didn't even consider the idea that she wouldn't want a job. I would think she would want to get one so she would have money to do whatever, go shopping, buy clothes, or whatever for herself. This also made me realize, though, that she was assuming that I would pay for 100% of her things, when I told her she didn't have to pay rent. I confronted her with this and talked to her about it, and basically the bottom line is this. She told me she would rather not have a job. She would rather not be able to buy new clothes, not have money to travel (we get together with our old friends pretty regularly), and basically go back to the way it was when she lived with her parents when she was 19, unemployed, with 0 dollars to her name, and never able to spend money on anything. For the past year she has had a job that she hates, but it has given her money to do stuff for the first time in her life. She actually has a smart phone finally (she didnt have a phone at all until recently.) She has new clothes, she is able to buy the clothes she likes. Our group of friends get together for trips/vacations/whatever about once or twice a year. She has gone with us on our past two trips, when she has had to sit them all out in the past since she couldn't afford to come with us. I always thought in my mind that she preferred this situation, but apparently she hates working so much that she would rather go back to the way it was before, where she didn't have money to do anything.

This really really bothers me, and I don't know how to deal with it. She agreed to get a job, but only because I'm "making her". I really don't like that. I don't like the idea that I'm making her do it, I really want her to want to have a job. I want her to have a phone, I want her to have nice clothes and nice shoes that she likes, I want her to be able to fix her car when it breaks down, I want her to have all these things. It makes me really sad that she doesn't want them.

How do I deal with this? I don't even know if there's anything I can do other than hope it might change, or maybe I should just get over it since she is agreeing to get a job. Any advice is welcome.

[surfhb2]

You're only dating. We date to find a person who fits the bill. I know it's hard but I would release her immediately.....easy to say but you came here for an unbiased answer

There are many beautiful and smart woman who love and have good careers.....why not date them?

[Boisdevie]

The relationship won't last. You're incompatible. So end it.

[Peaches1605]

If she isn't willing to get a job, then it's clear that she expects you to support her. It sounds like she needs to sort her life out a bit before she's in a relationship. No one can expect to go through life without a job, no one is that special. If she does move in with you and gets a job "because you make her" then it will end in bitterness and resentment.

I suggest you continue the LDR, I know its more difficult, but you don't want to be the sole provider.

Think about this: What happens when you want to go out for a meal? It's on you! If you go out and buy yourself something nice, will she want something too?

Just doesn't seem like it'd work.

[sssspanos]

Just leave the actual life to make her have a job... Never buy her clothes or anything, and explain that you need part of the rent.. She doesn't deserve being with you... She s also not clever....

[TablesandChairs]

Are you older? She has some growing up to do. Does she study? Any plans career wise? You might need to step up and give her a bit of direction. My ex did that with me; we moved in together when I as 19 but I had no clue. He was older so guided me somewhat. In a proper relationship, there is no 'my stuff' and 'your stuff'. You share. But if she's just going to sit around like a lump of meat all day...what's the point.

[michelle23]

I would break up with her. Children normally become their parents. Her family are poor coz they are lazy and lack motivation to improve their lives. Unless you want to support her for the rest of your life-then get out now.

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[TablesandChairs]

People can change, though, if shown a different way. Perhaps she was raised poorly and didn't have good examples but these things can alter. Why don't you simply say "What kind of life is that...just not doing anything?" and see what she says.

[Starnique]

It could be that you all are not compatible. Normally when people surround themselves with people that actually have something, this inspires them to do the same thing. If not, then that person is just lazy and lacks ambition and is comfortable with how their life is. I dont see how people can be comfortable with having no money. Hell, I'm allergic to broke and I feel ill when my money seems low. Based off what you describe, she just doesnt seem to care. People have to self motivate. They have to want better and be willing to put in the work. You can want that for someone and try to encourage them but if they dont want it, they just dont want it. You need to communicate with her about how important that is for you. Its not that you are trying to make her per se but you have preferences. You dont mind looking out for her but it should be mutual. Just because you have the most money doesnt mean that she shouldnt support in some way. Damn, at least buy your own clothes, shoes etc. Even if my man is financially secure, I dont want to have to ask all the time. You may need to re evaulate your relationship.

[Wakeup]

She's just assuming that once she gets there and doesn't have a job that you'll pay for her trips because you won't leave her behind. Her clothes because you won't want your friends talking smack about her, her food because you can't let her starve. She's setting you up to be her sugar daddy. You're not a man who loves himself if you allow her/enable her to be the sloth that her parents have enabled her to be.