Need advice on short term relationship

[michelle23]

I think your insecurity right now is too severe to be with anyone.

I can understand the jealousy with the guy friends thing-i think thats crossing a line (spending one on one alone time with a male friend-especially if their best friends) i dont think men and women should be that close unless they are dating but other then that you need to calm down with your trust issues or youll keep pushing girls away

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[spiritofjosh]

I think your insecurity right now is too severe to be with anyone.

I can understand the jealousy with the guy friends thing-i think thats crossing a line (spending one on one alone time with a male friend-especially if their best friends) i dont think men and women should be that close unless they are dating but other then that you need to calm down with your trust issues or youll keep pushing girls away

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She took the train with one of them, and the other two we're supposed to meet them there. She didn't stay long enough to meet them because she knew I was upset about it so she left early. And from reading this it does seem off but I met these kids, they're younger than her, not even old enough to drink legally and are kinda all dorky. I really had no direct assumption anything would go down with them, each for a few specific reasons. Even when asking her if there was every history with any of them she like laughed at me asking if I was really serious, and basically went on a rant about how it wouldn't ever even get close to that. I learned to trust them especially after meeting them they we're really nice and told me that they've known her forever and stuff.

It's just crazy how at first I wasn't insecure about anything with her. I finally felt like things were as right as they could be and I truly felt happy. What I've established is I have a lot of stress going on in my life and my defense to all of it was taking it out on my relationship, the one thing that didn't have stress. I live in NJ, one of the most expensive states to live in, and make very low income but the job market is so low that I'm stuck where I am, making my future not look so bright. There's much more I won't get into. But the whole way she was supportive, made sure I knew she wasn't with me for money, tried to help any emotion I'd go through. If I was having a bad day she would randomly show up to my job (half hour away from her) to bring me coffee and lunch and sit with me. Would leave me notes on my bed after I'd leave for work so I'd find them when I got home. Leave notes on my windshield, basically made me feel like nothing else mattered to her but me. I really think that's why I got so insecure because I was so scared of ruining it because I never thought I'd find somebody so happy and the defense I took was what I did, ironically ruining the relationship.

I apologize for the rants but they do clear my head and definitely help see that although I turned a switch on and acted how I did, she stuck by me as much as she could in the little time we dated. I really feel like I let somebody really special go and that's why I posted here. Thank you so much for reading.

[michelle23]

Its not just insecurity about her possible cheating josh. Its this whole "too good to be true" mentality. You need to start believing you are good enough so you dont subconsciously start sabotaging it. its hard to pick yourself up when life is so tough. I just lost my job, have to move to a cheaper place and had to get rid of my car.. now once i get a job i need to start saving for a car which piles more pressure on coz im supposed to be saving for a holiday to new york which is booked and paid for which i wont be going on.. and the worst part is the best i can hope for right now is some crappy job in mcdonalds that makes me miserable. I worked my way up to management and now i gotta start all over again! Life is truly a bitch but i gotta deal with it, try not to have a mental breakdown and make sure my relationship stays strong during this crisis. Sorry for venting. Not sure where that came from or what point i was trying to make but its 3am here and i cant sleep

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[spiritofjosh]

Its not just insecurity about her possible cheating josh. Its this whole "too good to be true" mentality. You need to start believing you are good enough so you dont subconsciously start sabotaging it. its hard to pick yourself up when life is so tough. I just lost my job, have to move to a cheaper place and had to get rid of my car.. now once i get a job i need to start saving for a car which piles more pressure on coz im supposed to be saving for a holiday to new york which is booked and paid for which i wont be going on.. and the worst part is the best i can hope for right now is some crappy job in mcdonalds that makes me miserable. I worked my way up to management and now i gotta start all over again! Life is truly a bitch but i gotta deal with it, try not to have a mental breakdown and make sure my relationship stays strong during this crisis. Sorry for venting. Not sure where that came from or what point i was trying to make but its 3am here and i cant sleep

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The whole point to this site is to vent, if you choose to vent on my thread then by all means. Life truly throws so much at you and you feel so lucky when you have one thing that makes it all better, I'm here bc she was what I felt made it better and that I could overlook all the bad things and see what good she brought. Now I can't do anything about it and it's killing me. but I guess if it were meant to be, it'll be.

and I'm sorry about your job situation. I'm 27, owe 33 grand in loans and have to live with my mom and her boyfriend I don't get along with. I'm not comparing but saying life just isn't easy.

[violet11]

I dont understand... you were possessive and jealous, you're trying to see it from her perspective, but you still wont spend a few weeks meeting her in a platonic way so that she can learn to trust you? I'm not saying to go grovelling: you can come to a compromise on what is best for you both. You could go on "non-date-dates" as many times a week as you both agree on.

You might find that she was right and it's beneficial to extract the physical side of the relationship for a while to see how you get to know and trust each other.

I have loads of guy friends... two of my best friends are men. Believe me, I'm never hooking up with these guys. I understand people get jealous, but you love her for who she is, and getting on with men is part of that. If a guy told me I couldnt hang out with my best friends I would say no, pure and simple.

[spiritofjosh]

I dont understand... you were possessive and jealous, you're trying to see it from her perspective, but you still wont spend a few weeks meeting her in a platonic way so that she can learn to trust you? I'm not saying to go grovelling: you can come to a compromise on what is best for you both. You could go on "non-date-dates" as many times a week as you both agree on.

You might find that she was right and it's beneficial to extract the physical side of the relationship for a while to see how you get to know and trust each other.

I have loads of guy friends... two of my best friends are men. Believe me, I'm never hooking up with these guys. I understand people get jealous, but you love her for who she is, and getting on with men is part of that. If a guy told me I couldnt hang out with my best friends I would say no, pure and simple.

I really hope to get to the point of compromise; I mentioned in a post to go back to where it was when we first started talking. Going out a couple nights a week just being with each other, not all over each other and hopefully she can begin to feel how she always did. For now though I want to give it a little while before I start bringing this stuff up to her, its just a gamble as to what she'll want to do or if she chooses to move on to somebody else. What I wish she could actually believe despite me telling her is I do trust her, it just took a hard lesson for me to full understand I could...because we didn't take long enough to get to know each other as she said.

[violet11]

I really hope to get to the point of compromise; I mentioned in a post to go back to where it was when we first started talking. Going out a couple nights a week just being with each other, not all over each other and hopefully she can begin to feel how she always did. For now though I want to give it a little while before I start bringing this stuff up to her, its just a gamble as to what she'll want to do or if she chooses to move on to somebody else. What I wish she could actually believe despite me telling her is I do trust her, it just took a hard lesson for me to full understand I could...because we didn't take long enough to get to know each other as she said.

Okay... well, obviously I'm a complete outsider and don't know either of you, but from everything you've written, I wouldnt drag my heels too much. She texted you first, she clearly misses you, and she wants to get to know you again. Think about what you want, ask her what she wants, then find a place in the middle.

I seriously doubt she's thinking about "moving on to another guy" - that sounds like your fear talking.

[spiritofjosh]

Okay... well, obviously I'm a complete outsider and don't know either of you, but from everything you've written, I wouldnt drag my heels too much. She texted you first, she clearly misses you, and she wants to get to know you again. Think about what you want, ask her what she wants, then find a place in the middle.

I seriously doubt she's thinking about "moving on to another guy" - that sounds like your fear talking.

I can't remember if I said it yet or not but today was her first day back at her old job. Last night we talked about the same stuff I've been mentioning but she stopped texting me back, it was late so I just figured she fell asleep. This morning I never got a text back so I just figured she didn't want to keep talking about the same thing, so around 1 pm I texted her saying I hope she has a good first day back, again no answer. I waited a couple hours then said it's not necessary to completely ignore me and she responded with an I'm sorry that she kept forgetting to answer me but she's trying to figure her car situation out at the moment, I haven't heard from her since.

That's why I want to wait a little while because it seems like her behavior goes one way then another each day.

[violet11]

Oh okay, I missed that. And I didn't realise that text conversation was just last night. Yeah, let her reply now, you've made your feelings clear. I hope it's not too agonising for you! <3

[searock]

Its not just insecurity about her possible cheating josh. Its this whole "too good to be true" mentality. You need to start believing you are good enough so you dont subconsciously start sabotaging it. its hard to pick yourself up when life is so tough. I just lost my job, have to move to a cheaper place and had to get rid of my car.. now once i get a job i need to start saving for a car which piles more pressure on coz im supposed to be saving for a holiday to new york which is booked and paid for which i wont be going on.. and the worst part is the best i can hope for right now is some crappy job in mcdonalds that makes me miserable. I worked my way up to management and now i gotta start all over again! Life is truly a bitch but i gotta deal with it, try not to have a mental breakdown and make sure my relationship stays strong during this crisis. Sorry for venting. Not sure where that came from or what point i was trying to make but its 3am here and i cant sleep

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OMG I'm sorry michelle! What happened?

Spiritofjosh, she is right. You need to stop with the mentality that says "She is too good for me, I can't believe something this good is actually happening to me". You deserve good things, that's why they come to you. And if they don't, go out there and make them happen. You deserve good things.

[michelle23]

Josh, maybe give it 2weeks as just friends. If she still wont give you a straight answer by then-shes playing games so dont play along. Dont let her drag this out for months-thats all im saying.

Thanks for letting me vent this recession has us all half f**ked! We will bounce back

OMG I'm sorry michelle! What happened?

I left the gold place for a new job. They promised me at least a year but then let me go after 2months coz it was quiet. They were really unprofessional-i didnt even get any training. I was left alone my first day and i didnt have a clue! They were idiots tbh.. they had been doing things the same way for 20 years-not one bit innovative. I was full of ideas but they didnt wana listen.. im glad im out of there. Just hope ill find something better soon!



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[spiritofjosh]

Now I'm giving up. I dunno what her problem is but I don't deserve to be treated how she's treating me.

I mentioned that I had arranged flowers to be sent to her job today with a note wishing her good luck back at her old job. Reason why is because she's a hair stylist and she used to work there but while we were dating she said she wanted to work in a barber shop rather than a small salon. I get my haircut by a good friend of mine who owns his own barbershop and he just fired one of his barbers, so I mentioned her to him and she eventually got the job there and quit her old job. She ended up quitting because it was too much for her with what experience she has. After we broke up my friend said while she was working she seemed way out of it, really upset and kept messing haircuts up and would cry in the back and finally the other day she quit. I felt bad about her whole situation so that's why the flowers.

Anyway she didn't say anything to me today. Not a thank you, not even a "thanks for the flowers but go away please." It's not that she was too busy to send me a quick text either because she always had time to while she worked there. I just can't understand how just a couple days ago she texts me out of nowhere, admitted she misses me and two days ago I ask if she still has feelings and she said of course she still does...but treats me like I'm worthless? This left me completely beside myself especially when she didn't even give a shred of this being how she is while we dated. I highly doubt she was this hurt over our breakup that she ended.

[spiritofjosh]

Actually, I take that back. I asked her why she couldn't of said thank you to me and she said she never got any flowers (surprise now ruined). I arranged for them to be brought to her job today and I guess the place messed up. Funny thing is I read a lot of bad reviews on that particular place but it was closest to her job and I didn't think such a small order would of been an issue. Oh well haha.

[pcmaster]

WTH are you sending her flowers? She have to forget about you not remember you. Better be more direct and give them personaly. Dont you wana see positive expresion in her face? You shouldnt be contacting each other if you are not together.

[searock]

Even if she hadn't texted you, that wouldn't have meant she was treating you like you were worthless, it would have meant that she was going no contact and moving on, which is a healthy thing if she decided she doesn't want to get back with you.