why do i need constance reassurance?

[howsie2228]

i thought i was the only one that was like this.......

My last boyfriend was abusive. i thought that was it.

I met my current boyfriend about 8months after my ex, maybe it was too soon... But you know when you know its right, he acknowledged me, cared about me loved me for me etc etc.....
We have been together for two years..... we have alot of downs then ups.....
I am constantly messaging him, if he doesn't reply straight away i send another and another, and im constantly asking him whether he loves me, or he still wants this ... if he goes out i freak, that he will find someone else, i nag and whinge. I don't like this person i have become. i feel im not worthy of anything good.


I don't understand y i always need reassurance. i hate my life being like this, i can't handle it, i cant focus on me, its all about him... I can't remember the last time i did something for me....
My ex was a drop kick, its like i turned into him and my bf is me (if that makes sense), my boyfriend has his head on his shoulders, owns two houses nice cars, then there's me got nothing ..... its brings me down so much. that i want a future with this guy but what is wrong with me y can't i seem to move forward....? i will never forgive myself if i loose him he has been the best thing that has happened to me.... i need some help...

[michelle23]

Why have there been so many downs? More detail please? Have you been like this from the start or are you insecure coz he makes you feel that way?

Being with the wrong person can and does bring out the worst in people. That is why i ask

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[basilandthyme]

You need constant reassurance because you lack the ability to reassure yourself. If you find your own confidence, you'll loose the needy thing.

For what it's worth, the lack of confidence is also why you ended up with an abusive guy - if you had self confidence, you would have kicked him to the kerb as soon as you saw clues of his behaviour.

[Rowen]

You need constant reassurance because you lack the ability to reassure yourself. If you find your own confidence, you'll loose the needy thing.

For what it's worth, the lack of confidence is also why you ended up with an abusive guy - if you had self confidence, you would have kicked him to the kerb as soon as you saw clues of his behaviour.

^ I wish I could give you reputation points for this!

It's very true what basil said. You've been so ingrained to subconsciously put yourself down that you've started to believe it. And since you have, you've lowered your confidence to the point where it is right now. I know this because I'm in the same boat, actually, so I can kind of relate. But to add onto it, as my psychologist said, the lack of being able to reassure yourself because you think those positive thoughts about yourself are untrue leads you to put that duty of reassuring yourself on others because you feel like if others say it that it must be true. This, in turn, will lead you to push people away the more you put that job on others.

The best advice I can give is to try therapy out if you can squeeze it into your finances (no idea what your situation is like). I'll admit I'm in a bit of a finance bind anymore, but my sessions with my psychologist are something I absolutely refuse to give up because he's helping me. And I think maybe it could help you too-you never know. The best thing to remember, though, is that assurance has to come from within. Your boyfriend can tell you he loves you all day in every way and show it to you over and over, but if you can't say to yourself that he does and believe it, then it's not really assurance. It's your duty to reassure yourself; your boyfriend can't give you that. Please take it from someone who has let it create a massive problem in his relationship.

[Dr-Love]

seeing as she didnt specify im more inclined to believe she lost her cofidence because of her ex and not before, that being said you cant compare your boyfriend to your ex(yes thats whats your doing), the constant need for attention and assurance of his love eventually gets to someone and it can end up being really messy..you said he genuinely cares about you which is good but you shouldnt look at him for what he has(houses and cars) but look at him for who he loves( which is you) if he thought material things were important he wouldn't be with you..heres my advice weigh the pro's vs the cons, the good vs the bad and you'll be amazed at what you have

[howsie2228]

So......... y is there so many down...?

I constantly talk about the relationship, so now i believe he is just so over it, just agrees with me and just says anything to make me happy. (hard to believe whats true and whats not now.) - Pretty much what ever he says goes now. i have lost myself completely....

I am insecure, he started lying to me cause he felt he couldn't tell me things without me re-acting badly, now im constantly worrying that there he's still lying behind my back. He says he isn't do i just believe....?

I was nasty from the start but i changed my ways when i started to realize i was becoming my ex. (minus the abusive).

Before my EX. i was completely normal human being..... none of this talk or bullshit ever entered my life..... (ex) drilled me to the ground made me believe i was worthless. etc etc...

So then i finally met my new man, that has shown me the world. and i have ruined it..... I feel i can never forgive myself. And i am scared.
I should be moving forward but i feel im going backwards. He wants us to move in etc.... I can't save i don't know whats wrong with me. I want a future with him, but im not pulling my weight :/

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Sounds like you need to get over your ex. Look how many times you've said "my ex".

[howsie2228]

I am over my ex by far.
I have to use Ex so i can explain my situation.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Still sounds like you're blaming the ex for your behavior.

[howsie2228]

Yes i am blaming him. simple.


But this isn't about him, this is about my current behavior. And my current partner.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Yes, but you need to stop blaming him, because it is not his fault, and take responsibility for your own actions. That is the whole point. You are holding the current guy responsible for the last guy's mistakes. You will keep ****ing things up until you stop doing this.

[howsie2228]

It is his fault i was a innocent person that got nailed to the ground and couldn't get back up.

Until one day i got out.

I understand that my action are good, we have been together two years... and he says any other guy would not of out up with that... and i agree 100%
- I should never of brought my ex into my relationship...... i have learned that now.

Im trying really hard to fix myself..... he's still here just...... So i need to pull up !


I just hate that i need reassurance all the time. i just want to live a normal life.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

It sounds like you did get back up, at least partially, but you've still got a ways to go it sounds like. You have to get to a point where you can let go of, and possibly forgive, his treatment of you so that you can move on fully and be healthy.

[howsie2228]

im 30 now...... i just hope i will find happiness some day.

I need to find me again, my life all i have done is concentrate on men......... but i would like to feel like im something when im with someone. i suppose if i treat them better i will get that. (i Know).... still feel its too late.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

It probably is too late for this guy, since you still haven't found yourself. You need to stop concentrating on men, and concentrate on yourself for a while, until you don't feel as thought you NEED someone else. Try to be happy on your own terms, then look to include someone. Right now, you're just hurt him and yourself.