Early Dating - Need A Man's Advise

[mya926517]

I need a male perspective. I'm 38, I just recently started a man whose 34. It's only been 2 weeks, but things have gone pretty fast as far as how many times we've seen each other and how intimately we've been involved. I am a very communicative person, I don't feel he is as much as I am. In talking to him, or trying to about relationship things in general, not specific to us he doesn't seem to have much to say. We met online and he was clear in telling me that he was tired of meeting people and was ready to find someone to settle down with. I have been out of the dating scene for several years and am open to finding someone long term and if it works out that's great.

Here's where you guys will come in because I know you know this part of the dating scene all too well ;-) He seems at times to detach and shut down. He will go for a while being very chatty via text and will call (we text more than talk on the phone), but anytime anything is brought up about relationships in general he seems to shut down. I did discuss with him the importance of if we were intimate that I was not interested in him being intimate with anyone else, because I'm not that type of women and he agreed and told me he is not. I also asked him if he was still pursuing women on the site we met on, he said he wasn't and that he would take his profile down after he felt he was in a serious relationship. However the strange thing was the following day after having that discussion he voluntarily told me (without me having mentioned anything else about the website) that he deleted his profile. When I asked him why the change of heart, he did not want to open up to me and talk about it. It was like he was trying to see if he could just change the subject and get out of talking about it, he knew I wasn't happy with that, but I didn't press the issue.

Last night I asked him this question, which I asked out of pure curiosity. "What intrigued you to contact me from that website". I told him that I was interested in what made men contact women, if it was looks and pictures alone, or did it also have anything to do with what women actual say about themselves". As soon as I started to ask him he said "oh no here we go again". I know he was saying that because I'd brought up the website and we'd previously discussed it a few days ago when he told me he deleted his profile, but didn't want to disclose to me the real reason he did it. I responded with "no we're not going any where again, I truly am interested in what intrigues men to contact certain women, but not others and that's all I want to know, I have no other questions after that". He did finally say it was my smile and eyes that enticed him to contact me. However, after the short lived conversation it was like he detached again and told has been distant with not texting as much, etc.

Here's my dilemma. While I have no intention of discussing exclusivity at this point, because really I'm not even ready for that title/label I do feel like I would like to know if he is happy and content with things thus far between the 2 of us. I do care about his feelings and would like to know that we're on the same page. I also care about my own feelings and care about not investing myself physically and or emotionally if we're not on the same page and or if he's hesitant or has any reservations about where things are going or where things stand. Additionally since we have already been intimate I think that my feelings are even more justified with wanting to know.

Guys, what are your thoughts, is what I'm wondering about fair of me to wonder and ask about? Is there a way of asking this that you think may be best? I certainly don't want to scare him away, but I also don't want to be kept around for the sole purpose of intimacy either. We've been upfront with each other and discussed that even though that's happened very early on, that is not what we're both solely interested in as far as how we feel about each other.

Any advise is greatly appreciated.

[Wakeup]

Here's my dilemma. While I have no intention of discussing exclusivity at this point, because really I'm not even ready for that title/label I do feel like I would like to know if he is happy and content with things thus far between the 2 of us.

Uhm, I'd think that if you were just content to know that he was happy with you, you'd simply ask him as well as take note of his actions that show you that he is happy with you (if any).

If you want to know if you're on the same page, FIRST you have to know what you want and if he's giving it to you.

(since we have already been intimate) I think that my feelings are even more justified with wanting to know.

Call me old fashioned by I like to know if we are on the same page BEFORE I get bizzzy. It has saved ME from mind fking myself.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

If he "shuts down" whenever you bring it up, he's most likely just avoiding telling you what he knows you don't want to hear. You aren't being kept around for intimacy. You're being kept around for sex.

[violet11]

It sounds like you're over-talking the relationship. Most men hate that.

He told you what he was looking for at the start, and now it's a matter of whether you can fulfill that together. Try to go with the flow and reassess after one month, two months, instead of talking about it every other day.

[mya926517]

If he "shuts down" whenever you bring it up, he's most likely just avoiding telling you what he knows you don't want to hear. You aren't being kept around for intimacy. You're being kept around for sex.

Thank you for your response, this further validates my need to speak with him about how I'm feeling. Sex is sex in the beginning when it happens so quickly, but it can quickly evolve into something more emotional and that holds true for me. Therefore I feel I need to have this discussion with him to not only let him know how I feel but so I can get a better understanding of how he feels, because I am not interested in a relationship solely based on sex.

[mya926517]

It sounds like you're over-talking the relationship. Most men hate that.

Try to go with the flow and reassess after one month, two months etc.

Thanks for your response. I have thought about that, reassessing after a month or 2, but what concerns me is that if the sex continues without having this conversation it will only make things much harder for me if in the end it ends up being solely about sex. I am not interested in having this conversation to put pressure on him about the "relationship" thing or "exclusivity" title, that's not what this is all about at all. This mainly is because I need to feel confident that I know where he is coming from and what his intentions are. I feel like since sex has taken place (and I know it was very premature and should not have) that we the conversation is warranted. Had sex not occurred already, I would not be feeling like this conversation is necessary at this time.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

No matter how you word it, even if you explicitly say, "this isn't about labeling the relationship or exclusivity", that's what this conversation will sound and feel like. Personally, I do think it's about that at some level. You want to know that it's at least going toward that, and that is a valid concern. Do not expect a good reaction from him though, especially if he's already detaching like you say. If you go this route, be direct, and don't beat around the bush like you have been.

Maybe start by mirroring his interest in you. Don't contact him first, but be warm when/if he does. Suggest dates that won't end in sex. See how that goes.

[Boisdevie]

The OP is expecting the guy to act like a woman. Women are not like men. Women seem to talk more than men. Men talk when they have something to say. If you badger him then you'll push him away.
If you want to know if you two are exclusive then ask him. Don't for gods sake ask him where you see things in 6 months, one year etc because nobody knows the answer to that one.

[!Joe264!]

If he "shuts down" whenever you bring it up, he's most likely just avoiding telling you what he knows you don't want to hear. You aren't being kept around for intimacy. You're being kept around for sex.

I totally agree. It is horrible to let it go…but sometimes you just need to do it because it will be better for you…You need to pay attention to those guys you hang out with…I take as an example my girl…before she met me, she was hang out with some guys that just wanted sex while she wanted relationships…

[violet11]

Thanks for your response. I have thought about that, reassessing after a month or 2, but what concerns me is that if the sex continues without having this conversation it will only make things much harder for me if in the end it ends up being solely about sex. I am not interested in having this conversation to put pressure on him about the "relationship" thing or "exclusivity" title, that's not what this is all about at all. This mainly is because I need to feel confident that I know where he is coming from and what his intentions are. I feel like since sex has taken place (and I know it was very premature and should not have) that we the conversation is warranted. Had sex not occurred already, I would not be feeling like this conversation is necessary at this time.

It just sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on the relationship when it's only been two weeks. Why don't you give it a week where you enjoy his company and then ask if you're exclusive? In the interim stop with the heavy conversations.

Btw, I presume you're not just meeting him to have sex? You're doing activitiies together, right? Dinner, bars, walks, etc?