Struggeling to deal with her being so close to her male best friend

[xlobx]

I'm at university so we are in a long distance relationship. She best friends with one of my best friends, john.

She and john go to school together so they see eachother everyday.

He has been in love with her for about 4 months and we both know this.

They spend a lot of time together, often just the two of them, and text all the time.

Once when they went to the pub while I was at uni he apparently put his hand on her knee, though she removed it after a bit. On the same night they both went back to his place drunk for less than an hour before she went home.

She says that she needs him in her life while I'm not there. If he is unhappy, she is unhappy.

She says that a few weeks ago she became 'confused' about her feelings for him and was looking forward to seeing him 'too much'. But she apparently figured out what she wanted in her head and says that she'll never be 'confused' about him again.


I find this all incredibly hard to deal with. Am I being over-sensitive, or would it be fair to expect her to adapt her relationship with john?

Many thanks
xlobx is offline

[basilandthyme]

No, you're not being oversensitive: He's her surrogate boyfriend

The bit which worries me most is that she's spending all this time with him KNOWING that he loves her. Have you asked how she'd feel if you spent loads of 1:1 time with a woman who loved you?

[DalM0m]

I don't see where this is going to end well for you. Mix 1 part guy in love; 1 part "confused girl"; with alcohol at the pub & you will get a recipe for infidelity. Sorry.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Agree with the rest. Dump.

[TheEvilJester]

Where I wouldn't see it as a problem would be if 1) He only saw her as a friend, 2) She only saw him as a friend (no "confused feelings") and 3) it never strayed from that for a moment. Inherently, having friends of the opposite gender is not necessarily a bad thing. I mean, especially when you consider sometimes guys and girls are very close friends (but nothing more) when neither of them are in a relationship. Does that mean the friendship should have to end the moment one of them is in a relationship? What if they have been close friends their whole life?

However, once feelings start to get deeper one way or the other, then it ceases to be okay. Even if you 100% felt you could trust your girl and/or your friend to never do anything, you still shouldn't be put in the position to wonder.

Not only that, but if your friend has developed feelings for your girl and knows it, then he needs to man up and distance himself, even if that sadly means distancing himself from you as well. Heck, it doesn't even mean you can't all be friends (especially down the road if he moves on and finds somebody else). It just means that, so long as the feelings are complicated, he can't remain as close to you both as he has been.

And as far as your girlfriend goes, she also needs to have the same convictions. If she wants to commit to you, then she needs to do so fully and not be thinking of other guys in that way. If she is not capable of that, then maybe you need to end it and find somebody who is. Good luck, my friend.

[pcmaster]

Shes playing with two guys at same time. And it will continue as long as you guys allow it.

[Rowen]

No, you're not being oversensitive: He's her surrogate boyfriend

The bit which worries me most is that she's spending all this time with him KNOWING that he loves her. Have you asked how she'd feel if you spent loads of 1:1 time with a woman who loved you?

^ Completely agree. And to be honest, if she's saying things like that to you, she's making you into an option. If I were you, I'd try to find someone closer to you. If there's no trust in a long distance relationship (And in this one, I don't see how you could trust her given what she said), it will fail immediately. The same happens with normal relationships, but it's magnified with long distance.