Boyfriend thinks I'm too close to my best friend

[dannn]

Me and my bf have been going out for like 4 months now and we're in a long distance relationship. I'm best friends with one of his best friends, matt. So I see matt like quite a lot of the time when we're at collage. We're really close and we text quite a lot too. Sometimes we see eachother with friends but also alone.

He told me and my bf that he has been in love with me for quite a few months. At first my bf took it well but now hes finding it hard to deal with.

Me and matt get on really well and I feel like I really need him as a best friend while my bf is away. I love him as a friend. But a few weeks ago I noticed that I was getting a bit confused about how I feel about Matt. I was really looking forward to seeing him. So I had a big long think I'm not confused any more, Matt is just a close friend and I love my bf.

But I told my bf this and now he's kinda obsessed by it. He thinks we spend too much time together and texting each other. Once when Me and Matt went out to the pub with friends I went back to Matts place drunk for a bit before going home and my bf flipped out. He thinks its an 'inappropriate relationship'.


Is my bf being irrational, or is my friendship with Matt really crossing the line?
Thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You should break up with your bf and date Matt. Your friendship is crossing the line if you do stay with your bf.

[Rowen]

I would break up with your boyfriend. Whether or not you choose to date Matt after that is entirely up to you. But staying with your boyfriend will only hurt both of you, as he'll always find it difficult to trust you and you'll always feel like you'll need Matt... Not to mention, feeling the need of someone close by indicates this is not working out at all for you.

[basilandthyme]

I'm going to lay money that this is where your boyfriend asked the question about this situation http://www.loveforum.net/threads/86150-Struggeling-to-deal-with-her-being-so-close-to-her-male-best-friend

My advice to him still stands

My advice to you: either dump your boyfriend and start dating the mate OR get yourself a female best friend.

[searock]

You need to break up with your boyfriend, because you are not in love with him.

Then, you can sort out your feelings for Matt.

[smackie9]

You are being very selfish to say you "need" Matt while your BF is away....What you are doing is dating Matt,....you are having an emotional affair. Poor Matt, you are using him knowing he is in love with you.....stop sucking these guys dry and just pick one.

[searock]

Yep, you are having an emotional affair with Matt.

OP, it is never a good idea to be "friends" with someone that is attracted and/or has feelings for you (or that you are attracted and/or have feelings for). Especially if any or both of you are in a relationship.

If I were your boyfriend, I wouldn't put up with the situation. Your partner should be your best friend, not some other guy.

[TheEvilJester]

You know... this sounds awfully similar to another story we had on here. Exactly the same, in fact, except coming from the point of view of the girlfriend in the story instead of the boyfriend. So, either they both found there way to this board, or somebody is pulling our collective leg here. (Suddenly giving myself the image of all of us trying to figure out a way to live our separate lives with one collective leg. LOL!)

Either way, for the sake of hoping to help, I will pretend this is a real request for advice.

Having friends of the opposite gender can be okay, even when you are in a relationship. When it is NOT okay is when feelings start to become complicated on one side, or both sides, of the friendship. If you are in a relationship, you have to be committed to that relationship and nothing else. If you are unhappy in that relationship, or otherwise feel it is not the right one for you, you need to get out of it before you even think of getting with anybody else. And, honestly, after ending a relationship, you really should take time to be alone for at least a little while to assess your life and what you want. You need to figure out what did and did not work about the relationship that ended so you don't just make the same mistakes again.

In any case, the fact that you knew that your friend liked you as more than a friend meant you should have kept your distance. No matter how much you may feel that you need him as a friend, that isn't fair to him and it isn't fair to your boyfriend. Even if your boyfriend knows he can trust you, he shouldn't have to have that trust deliberately tested. The fact that you had similar feelings for the friend, even if they were brief, does not help matters at all. Who is to say the same thing wouldn't happen to you again?

Good luck. I hope you learn what it is you want in a relationship and are able to find that, be it with the current boyfriend or somebody else down the road.

[DalM0m]

EvilJester -- I thought the same thing.

dann -- you are too close to your BFF in this instance. Pick one but you can't have both.

[Rowen]

To EvilJester, it's plausible, but when I examined both threads, I found the name of the guy was different and a few other minor details (like, for example, the amount of time the couple has been together). I think we're sadly looking at a parallel situation in the world... :S

[Wakeup]

Having friends of the opposite gender can be okay, even when you are in a relationship. When it is NOT okay is when feelings start to become complicated on one side, or both sides, of the friendship.

Well I don't think its quite that black and white. You can have an opposite sex friend when you are in a relationship what you can't have is one-on-one dating with that friend. That is disrespectful to your primary relationship when you're spending your time with another man/woman as if you were dating. That one-on-one shit has to change and you shouldn't be texting or talking on the phone daily as if you were courting one another either. It's that one-on-one "dating" in the guise of "hanging out" and the courting through text, phone and email that leads to emotional affairs in the first bloody place.

Op: You've been rather disrespectful to your primary relationship. Take that info and deal with it by either cutting out the inappropriate behaviour with this "friend" or keep your friend and rethink your relationship because you bf is reacting in a very typical behaviour to your very inappropriatness.

[TheEvilJester]

EvilJester -- I thought the same thing.

You were picturing us all trying to hobble around in different directions with our one gigantic collective leg too? Groovy. Thought I was the only one who was insane. ;-) LOL!

Well I don't think its quite that black and white. You can have an opposite sex friend when you are in a relationship what you can't have is one-on-one dating with that friend. That is disrespectful to your primary relationship when you're spending your time with another man/woman as if you were dating. That one-on-one shit has to change and you shouldn't be texting or talking on the phone daily as if you were courting one another either. It's that one-on-one "dating" in the guise of "hanging out" and the courting through text, phone and email that leads to emotional affairs in the first bloody place.

Op: You've been rather disrespectful to your primary relationship. Take that info and deal with it by either cutting out the inappropriate behaviour with this "friend" or keep your friend and rethink your relationship because you bf is reacting in a very typical behaviour to your very inappropriatness.

Wait... I'm not quite sure I see where what you are saying is different from what I said. LOL! I agree with you completely. As I said, I don't think it is automatically not okay to have friends of the opposite gender when you are in a relationship. Actually, let's be a little more PC here and say friends of the same gender you happen to date. ...Anyway... It isn't automatically not okay. I am just saying when it becomes officially not okay in my view is if you allow things to become complicated, particularly then if you don't do anything afterward to either fix the situation (which is very difficult and unlikely) or remove yourself from the situation.

[Wakeup]

Yea and I'm saying that things shouldn't be being done that often leads to complication like emotional affairs. You might think you said the same thing I did but you did not. You left out a whole lot of actions that should be curtailed once your opposite sex friend becomes involved in a romantic relationship. You may agree, which is great but you didn't specify you only said its not good when one catches feelings for the other.

[TheEvilJester]

I guess I see what you are saying and can agree to some degree. I think it is definitely a bit of a tricky balancing act. I mean, if you were perfectly capable of just being friends before without complication, then I don't see why it should be such a trouble in general once one or both of the friends happens to be in a relationship. Though, I guess you are right that they should tread somewhat more carefully and not do things that are too... I don't know.... relationshipy, even if they may have seemed okay before.