Why are they still texting?

[marths]

My husband became emotionally attached to a women at work (he doesn't know I know) She has since left the company but from looking at his phone I know they have had contact. In defense of my husband it looks as if he has tried to distance himself, but I know he cares for her (reasons for how I know will take too long) We do not have a physical relationship, in truth I think he stays with me not because he loves me, but because he is a good man. However, I don't believe there has been physical contact between them either.

My problem is, yesterday his mood changed, periodically it often does and yet again when checking his phone I found a flurry of texts between him and her. In the past I have ignored them but this time I feel worried.

She texted him to wish him a Happy Christmas and she hoped Santa would give him everything he wished for. He replied mmmmmm..... Im not that lucky! (is this code for.... I want sex with you?) she replied let me give you some advice if you want your wish.... go home, take a bubble bath together, soap each other all over, kiss, caress, cuddle, probe and love.... Kaching!!! don't need to thank me just call me Santa's little helper! (is this code for lets have sex) At one stage there were several texts from her without a reply from him until she said "as my texts appear unwelcome I'll jingle off to pastures new" to which he replied "sorry I've just been really busy today". If he wasn't interested why didn't he let her crawl back under her stone.

He's treated me with contempt since yesterday, I know he only stays with me because I'm ill and he's holding true to his vows. What game are they playing? Do you think they have moved to the physical?

Please give advice as to how he may be feeling, is he turned on, are they sexting, does he still have feelings for her? I feel sick and dare not ask him just in case he uses the argument as an excuse to leave. Please give advice I feel sick with worry.
Thanks

[Wakeup]

She texted him to wish him a Happy Christmas and she hoped Santa would give him everything he wished for. He replied mmmmmm..... Im not that lucky! (is this code for.... I want sex with you?) she replied let me give you some advice if you want your wish.... go home, take a bubble bath together, soap each other all over, kiss, caress, cuddle, probe and love.... Kaching!!!

This is not code for anything to do with them. This, IMO is code for how he can get back an emotional and sexual connection WITH YOU!.

Please explain why you are in a platonic relationship with your husband.

He's treated me with contempt since yesterday, I know he only stays with me because I'm ill and he's holding true to his vows.

If you are unable to have sex with him, then have you discussed allowing him to have others sexually? If he's angry with you, it's because he's frustrated perhaps.

Need more information as to why you can't (or won't) have sex with him. I really can't understand women (or men for that matter) who won't or can't have sex with thier SO's but are so afraid to let him have sex with someone else. If he's not leaving you because he's a good man, he loves you and he's going without a sexual life for you, then don't you feel that he'll remain with you through in sickness and in health. Don't you feel guilty that you're asking him to remain celebate for you while he remains in sickness and in health?

For what its worth, he shouldn't be corresponding with her because it appears that there is some emotional investment. Sex with someone he is already emotionally invested in wouldn't be in the best interests of the marriage if you were ever to agree to him getting his needs elsewhere.

[Starnique]

That's your husband, not hers. Why can't you approach him about this?

[marths]

We're not physical because he no longer desires me, it has nothing to do with my illness, we haven't been physical for over 5 yrs. I think he still loves me (he's stayed) but I don't feel he is in love with me. We are from a deeply religious background he stays I think because of the hurt, damage an fall out it would cause if he left. He loves his family; I also think he cares deeply for her, but he's a good man and will stay where he is expected to be. I need him, she doesn't so why does he still feel a pull towards her? I'm dreading our youngest going off to college next year.

[Wakeup]

This is ridiculous. If he's not going to leave you then get the professional help you BOTH need to regain an emotional, spiritual and sexual connection. Your higher power does not expect you to remain within a marriage that is hypocritacal.

First, go to personal councelling so that you have the emotional wherewithall to have the gurl balls to talk to your husband about what is bothering you and so that he knows that you are afraid, that you want the three connections back in your marriage and so that you'll have a referral to a good marriage councellor who will help you to spend the rest of your lives together in bliss rather then religiously enforced prison of sorts.

If you can't afford personal councelling then go to your religious leader and request councel from him. You were not meant to be in this limbo you call a marriage. Religion is not about that. Staying together until death do you part shouldn't be a jail sentence consisting of testing your fidelity vows to the point of distraction.

[HeartIsAching]

I agree with Wakeup - this exchange sounded to me as if he wished he could have a sexual relationship with you, and he's discussed this with this before.

I think you need to re-evaluate why you don't have a sex life... did you put him off so much that he eventually stopped trying? If not, what happened?

[marths]

with don't have a sex life because over the years my behavior has turned him off, I've emotionally blackmailed him for years. If I brush passed him he recoils,he want's out and has wanted to for years but the guilt of hurting everyone stops him. Why are they still texting and should I be worried?

[HeartIsAching]

Because, pathetic chump that he is, he wants to fix things with you. He just thinks there's no hope, so he doesn't try.

[marths]

so you think he is still in love with me? Why are they still texting then? What can I do to pull things back from the brink? He spends most of his time either working or tinkering in the garage, he only comes into the house for meals (which he cooks himself) and to engage with our youngest child who is still at home but leaves for college next year. He refuses counselling as he says there is no point and he's fine as things are (I suggested this last year). So if he's fine as things are why is he texting her? I thought of giving him my blessing to have sex outside the marriage on condition he doesn't leave, but I'm worried given his obvious emotional attachment if I do he'll leave me for her. The whole thing is a mess.

[HeartIsAching]

Go back and read Wakeup's first response. Read it several times if necessary.

[woody]

TALK TO HIM. Find out what the scoop is between them and do the right thing for both of you and that all begins by finding out the truth here.

[Wakeup]

What do you mean you've been emotionally blackmailing him for years, marths?

[HeartIsAching]

What do you mean you've been emotionally blackmailing him for years, marths?

I too am curious.

I'm betting on withholding love to get what she wants.

[Starnique]

I wouldnt like my husband talking to another woman about me or our issues and little shit their doing. If you gotta problem, talk to me about it.

OP, grow up and fix your marriage if thats what you want. He hasnt cheated out of love/respect for you so that does say a lot about how he feels about you. You dont seem to be doing what you are supposed to do on your end. Blackmailing him? You made it easy for him to step out if he did.

[HeartIsAching]

I wouldnt like my husband talking to another woman about me or our issues and little shit their doing. If you gotta problem, talk to me about it.

I agree with you there Starnique, but I can tell you from personal experience, in a relationship with constant ongoing emotional and mental abuse, you feel as if you can't talk to your partner, so often you do end up going outside it to talk to someone else.