Have I blown it?

[cherryblossom20]

A week ago, I met a guy who made all the right noises at the start wanted to see me all the time - he was perhaps a bit too keen but I persevered because I quite liked him. Over the course of the week, he seemed to come across as needing a lot of validation and was insecure about how I felt which I voiced to him, I said to stop worrying and to just chill and have fun otherwise will drive me bonkers. He is a highly suspicious person which concerned me and worried about women cheating on him. He seemed to be worried I would get bored of him etc I'm a commitment phobe. He is aware of this which made him really nervous. He asked me to go away with him over the weekend, I went and even met his dad. When I suggested he meet a friend of mine for a quick drink he started pulling away which I didn't stress about. Then I made a massive mistake I accused him of looking up my brother in law on linked in when in fact it was the other way around (the guy I'm seeing is an ex rugby guy so my brother in law was interested) My brother In law seemed to be sure he didn't do it but must have clicked by mistake on his profile. I obviously had no reason to doubt my family so confronted the guy because I thought he was checking up on me and my family! Yeah I know I'm paranoid but I've met some psycho guys In the past! He is really offended which is fair enough, I apologised and explained I've had some weird experiences in the past. Anyway he now says he wants to leave it until the new year as things are moving too fast. Which to be honest is a bit weird as he is the one who was moving things quickly not me. He was talking about having kids, buying house etc really early one!

Anyway have I blown it? Have I come across as needy?!

[smackie9]

Are you kidding me? You have dated psycho guys in the past and this guy doesn't send off warning bells??? This guy is a nut job and you are worried about blowing it? Learn from your experiences, don't date this guy. You have only known him for a week and he talks of kids and marriage.......run for the hills!

[Wakeup]

Yeah I know I'm paranoid but I've met some psycho guys In the past!

Then perhaps it would do you well to do some sort of back ground check on who You are dating instead of getting upset that he MAY have done some checking on you?

Anyone who just met you and is talking about having kids and buying houses who has confessed to you that they are a commitment phobe should have your spidey sense tingling that he's not genuine. Seriously. Pay attention to what a guy is telling you so that you see through the fluff.

This union isn't a good one. Stop disecting it and just get on with your life without him in it. You both can do better then one another as a team.

[cherryblossom20]

I'm the commitment phobe not him, so I said from the start I can only take baby steps in a relationship because otherwise I get scared off. I've been hurt before and takes a while to let someone into my life...

[Wakeup]

Oh... sorry. In that case wtf are you worried that he wants to take it slow if you're afraid to commit? What? You want him to lose his heart to you so that you can tell him you don't want it?

Next him and find someone who doesnt' want to commit to you either.

[cherryblossom20]

I do want to commit! But I'm scared of it! And he knows that. So he was worried I would pull away which I normally do. I said I need him to be patient with me because he was so full on at the start. Literally some of the things he was saying would make more women run for the hills! But I saw something in him I really liked so instead of running I was honest and communicated how I felt which he appreciated. But I'm annoyed that he went distant on me when I suggested a quick drink with my friend. I said it wasn't a big deal, but to him it clearly was. Seems unfair when I made the effort to meet his dad?! Mixed signals from his side?

[Wakeup]

You met him one week ago. I'm wondering why you'd care if he took it slow at that point. You barely know him and you're emotional attachment should be at nil at this point. Wait till the new year and if he doesn't contact you then, consider yourself having dodged a bullet. My advice: Don't invest in someone to the point that you have to start a thread on someone you've only known a week. At that point you should just be saying "see ya, hate to be ya."

[cherryblossom20]

I want to take it slow too that's what I wanted from the start!!

I guess I want to know why he needs space from me? I'm not coming across as needy? Maybe a bit paranoid but is that a deal breaker for a guy?

[cherryblossom20]

And I over reacted...but I did it because he was really suspicious from the start which kind of put me a bit on edge. I was just reacting to him because I guess I didn't totally trust him?!

[Wakeup]

Why are you even worrying about it? You've known him one week!

If anything, and if I was him, I'd think you were not worth getting to know any further because you admitted to being a commitment phobe and yet you readily met his father (after one week), you wanted him to meet your friend (after one week) not to mention no talk of exclusivity before introductions and you accused him of stalking your family.

Three red flags:
1.. Commitment phobe who goes along on a run-away-train to commitment.
2.. You accused him of stalking you or your family.
3.. You do appear to be over-invested in such a short time (one week and you're afraid he's bolting on you ~ pfft) which is a concern in itself, especially for someone who is afraid to commit. You are a walking contridiction.


Further he was offended that you accused him of stalking you while you admitted that you've met some psychos in the past yet you yourself don't do background checks after such experience.

Sorry, but after one week, i'd be seeing those red flags and I'd do the fade.

Adding:

I want to take it slow too that's what I wanted from the start!!

Then you should have framed the relationship that way instead of hopping on a fast train to nowhere. If you want to take things slow, then don't do things that show him in actions that you're fine with speeding along.

Good luck

[violet11]

You told him you needed to take it slow, and yet within a week you met his DAD?

Cherry, honestly it sounds like there are deeper issues here outside of the situation with the OTT guy. You're saying you're a commitment phobe, yet you're ignoring behaviour that is very full-on. Then you're panicking that you're coming across as needy.

Is this a recurrent pattern?

[cherryblossom20]

No I think I'm explaining myself badly. I didn't tell him I wanted to take things slowly but my actions up until I went away with him showed that. He wanted to see me all the time and even though I was free I said no because I need space in between seeing someone to reflect on how I feel. So I certainly didn't jump when he said how high. I went away for one night with him because it was after I didn't see him for a while and it felt ok at the time.

You are right though, I do have a reoccurring pattern. I like control and when the control changes then I feel vulnerable and I start liking a person who I was initially insure of. My issue obviously.

But the real issue was me thinking this guy was needy and insecure so I went on the complete defensive because I thought he was checking me out online including my family. Some examples of his behaviour:

I called a cab from his house and he heard the cab controller (on the phone) say my address which he somehow remembered it
He saw me making tea then came into my kitchen and started making tea and new where everything was, I didn't ask him to make tea he just walked in as though it was his house
He started using my things when we went away together like my hairbrush?!


I dunno after knowing someone a week I thought this was a bit much?! Or is it just me?! Maybe I'm the weirdo lol

[smackie9]

I agree with everyone her issues but what about him? he's only known her for a week and he is asking to go away with him on the weekend?? Needs validation, been cheated on, paranoid, highly suspicious, talking about kids and marriage, meet his dad all in one week?Am I missing something here?

[cherryblossom20]

Not to mention he hasn't really spoken to his family for 3 years and has zero relationship with his dad so I felt I was there as a peace maker or something. It was utterly bizarre and now talking about it on here actually accentuates the fact that it was completely weird. I also met his client too while I was away. God this just looks so odd. I clearly am really bad at seeing huge red flags.

[cherryblossom20]

And I only found out only after agreeing to go away with him that his dad had been invited. It's not the first time I've been introduced to family members after a week or dating so I just saw it as the norm TBH