Desperate need of some help

[Chocoholic12]

Hello
I have been seeing my partner for 2 years now. He proposed to me 6months ago I initially said yes and was happy. However my family were completely against the idea saying he wasn't good enough for me. I then went ahead and declined cancelling the engagement. This was a difficult time for me and my partner but we managed to get through it. However it was difficult when anything involved my family. My partner often said he felt uncomfortable around them and often had excuses to avoid events. He cancelled a meal with my parents half hour before we were meant to be there.I kept pushing for him to see them and he did go for a few drinks with them the weekend before Xmas. He was polite and spoke to them but was often on his mobile etc. however Christmas Day was a disaster. I was spending Xmas with my family and he with his however we said we would meet up after our meal to spend time with both sides of the family. I got to his sisters for 6pm he felt this was hurtful as Xmas was all about the children (his nephews etc) and their Xmas was over by then. We then after spending half hour at his sisters came to my folks house. We argued before going in and then he didn't speak to anyone saying he was hurt. He stormed out the house after an hour. We now are both hurt n both lost with what to do. I love him and I believe he loves me too. I dunno whether to give up or try to figure something out

[Wakeup]

Whats the point in "loving" one another if you broke off your engagement because your parents don't approve? Why go on if you're never going to marry this guy and you're always going to be at odds during holidays and family events.

If I found out my in-laws thought my husband could do better then me and he actually listened to them and broke off our engagement, I'd Never see him again.

[Chocoholic12]

So your saying we should just go our separate ways?

[AnoTora]

To be honest, I can see why your partner would be upset.
Surely, If it were true love, the opinions of others wouldn't matter.
Then again, you also have to think about your own feelings, If you do care enough about what others think to break off the engagement, is this really a person you want to spend the rest of your life with?

If you do want to spend the rest of your life with him, apologize, don't make him see your family if he isn't comfortable. Try and think about his feelings and your feelings, not your families feelings. After all, it is your life, not theirs.

[Chocoholic12]

I broke it off because my family wouldn't speak to me. Not because I didn't love him. But I do get your point. I got worried I was going to lose them.

[Wakeup]

So your saying we should just go our separate ways?

Well, if you're never going to marry him, then what is the point in wasting your life with someone you won't advance the relationship with because your parents are snobs and think you can do better? Why not just break up now and you find someone that will suit your parents. If you're going to listen to them, then leave this one and get someone they think measures up.

Your life will never be stable as long as they don't want him in your life. I'd not want to spend my family holiday with someone that thought that little of me either. I'm surprised he didn't just dump you after you broke off your engagement. Has he not done that because he thinks that eventually you'll marry him anyway, only to fight everytime you have to go visit your folks and he's resentful? Pfffft.

[AnoTora]

Here is my opinion/advice. I don't mean to be rude or blunt, so don't take offence please.

You need to come to a decision sooner rather than later, who means more to you, your family, or your partner?
Maybe you choose your family, you find another guy, but who says they will like him either?
So, are you happy with your Partner? If you are happy, and your family doesn't understand that, why waste your time with them?

[Chocoholic12]

I really don't think I can chose between my family n my partner. I love them both

[Chocoholic12]

I always intended on marrying him. I thought if they had time to get to know him properly it would be different

[AnoTora]

I'm just gonna come out and say it.

If you can't choose your partner over your family, after the way they seem to treat him, and from what you have said, I don't think it is worth you staying with him, for his sake.
Right now, It is probably him who is hurting the most.

[Wakeup]

That's why its always important for parents to get to know who their children are dating when it's obvious that they are headed towards a longterm committment to one another.

I suggest that you talk to your boyfriend and get everything out in the open that your intent is to have your parents get to know him so that they learn to love him like you do and him not participating in your family functions isn't facilitating your end goals.

I've been married for over three decades and we compromised at Christmas and other family holidays so that both sets of parents didn't feel left out or ignored by their own children. You can do that as well as long as you're both on the same page and have the same goals. You really need to work this out with him so he understands and if nothing changes, then you would do well to get on with your life without him in it. Compromise, Open, honest communication, willingness to resolve and Compatibility are the four cornerstones of a well built relationship house.

[Chocoholic12]

I did talk to him and he agreed to try because he knew how important it is to me. But I think he really struggles to deal with the situation. We tried splitting Christmas, but he thinks I only care about my own family. He says he is sick of me putting my family above him. But I try to split things as much as possible.

[Wakeup]

Well, he has a point. He asked you to marry him and you declined because your parents don't think he is good enough for you. By declining, you basically have agreed with them that he's not good enough. Surely you can see why he's resentful of them?

You should talk to your parents as well and tell them that you love him and you want them to give you their blessing to marry him and learn to love him as well. Unless he's treating you poorly, isn't reliable in other ways, takes you for granted, is making you more upset then happy, then they really have no reason to think that you can do better. Are you a Doctor and he's a sheep herder? Do you work and he's an unemployed bum? Do they think that they are above him in materialist stature?

Just wondering why do they think you can do better?

[Chocoholic12]

I am a doctor. He is trying yo build up a telecoms sale centre. I think my parents worry his income isn't reliable etc, he has had companies close in the past. But I know he has his head screwed on right this time. He knows he has made mistakes in business in the past. I completely see why he is resentful. I tried talking to my parents and told them I want yo marry him their response was he doesn't love u. I'm just really struggling and seem just to be hurting everyone

[Starnique]

I think he should break up with you. You cant expect for him to want to be around your family after him knowing that they were the ones who convinced you to break off the engagement. Its not rocket science. Be for real here. He don't care for them because they don't care for him. They don't like him at all. They only tolerate him because they love you and he can feel that. He obviously loves you, so that's why he is still around. If you really love him, then you need to be with him and stop letting your family manipulate you. Saying they wont speak to you is a form of manipulation and control. What has he done that was so bad to you besides not quite having himself together but he is working towards it and that is what's important. If you're not going to give him the love he deserves, then do him a favor and break up with him so he can move on.