Wife jumped me a few times

[tropus]

Yesterday my wife told me she was going to hang out with a friend in the evening and asked what I was going to do. One option I shared with her was going to hang out with a few of my friends. She got upset at that and told me that it seems like I'm trying to "separate my friends from her friends". I pointed out that it's okay for me to hang out with my friends on my own - I actually need that sometimes. She thinks I trash talk her and that my friends seem distant to her - I don't. It's a product of her lack of confidence/self-esteem and the fact that she actually did that to me with one of her friends.

Then we went to see a movie together. She thought it was great, I thought it was good. I was disappointed in the deceiving advertising and I mentioned that after the movie. She said "Oh ok, you probably just didn't like it because your ex's name was Mika." Actually it's not. And where the hell did that come from? So I told her, and when she asked what it was, I said I don't wanna talk about it. Then she told me that I never agree with her on anything (e.g. the movie) and I criticize everything she likes. What the hell is that about?

It turned into an argument and I told her to "quit being dumb" because I'm tired of getting jumped like this all the time. Bad move. I tried to bring this whole thing up with her today because I'm upset about it and she wouldn't let go of it. I told her I think she has an issue with self-esteem and she said it's because I always call her names. I'm sick and tired of it and I don't know what to do anymore. I say things like "quit being dumb" because I've had my fuse cut short by the frequency of these types of actions. I'm sick of sugar-coating it. Accusing me of trying to make my friends not like her and trash-talking her is just dumb! And when I point that out, she acts like all I ever do is verbally abuse her and make her feel like she's worthless. What am I doing wrong? How do I fix this?

[basilandthyme]

Tropus to fix this, you need to change some of your approaches.

I'm wondering why you had to complain about the advertisments after the movie. Here she is at the end of an enjoyable movie on a date with you and you ruined the moment by complaining about advertising. Given that she says you criticise everything she likes, I imagine this wasn't a one-off behaviour for you. So, yeah, I can see why she jumped on you. Perhaps if you start being more positive and let the small stuff (like advertising) slide, she'll quit jumping on you when you're negative?? Just a thought.

Telling her to "quit being dumb" was also inappropriate. I understand that you're fed up, but try learning to be assertive instead of insulting. And instead of reacting with an insult to her, try and look at the behaviour she's just jumped on and see if perhaps her criticism was warranted.

If you change some of your approach to become more positive, then it's very likely to rub off on her.

[HeartIsAching]

Gah... that's exactly why I own a big television and a kick-ass home theater system. I loathe going to the theater.

Yes, your wife's got some obvious insecurities... but I'm wondering why she's got a double standard. I suggest couples counseling to learn how to communicate more effectively with each other.

[michelle23]

I think you both have work to do here. Sounds like your stuck in a power struggle at the moment. You both need to learn to communicate better. Your wife may sound like shes being a drama queen to you but LISTEN to what she said "your always criticizing me and everything I like". It would sound like less of an attack if she said something like "I feel criticized and put down and it hurts me"

you would both benefit from communicating like that. Sit down together and google positive communication and "I" statements. Google "dealing with conflict in a marriage"

both of you need to make an effort here to change and instead of bickering and nagging each other-try to remember why you got married. Maybe you should both write a list of all the reasons you love each other

just from reading your post-I can tell she is hurting which has knocked her confidence and your angry and fed up. You need to work on coming closer again and saving your marriage coz if you both carry on like this-you will be divorced in a few years