I can't understand what she is thinking

[abadrjp]

Well, me and my girlfriend come from a very conservative society in India, where 90% marriages are still arranged marriages and "Love marriage" percentage is as low as it's acceptance is in our society. This summarize the situation we're living in and one can assume that that's not a good environment by any means, especially of loved ones.

I came in contact with her when I was in third year of my college. We were casual friends before, nothing else. And she was very close with another guy from the starting of the college days. He was the first guy as a friend in her life and even after being with me, she has admired his efforts as a very good friend of her. I don't have problem with that either.

But as the time went on, the over attention of the guy mentioned above while we are in relationship bothered me big time. So I told her, in a very polite manner, that over attention of that guy towards her does irritate me. After that conversation, I found out a sudden change in my gf's and that guy's behaviour. They hardly even look at each other in my presence. And I can't believe that the guy had changed overnight that he turned his attention away from her, but that what did exactly happened.

So, I did asked her upon this situation stating that due to my involvement if she is ruining his friendship or what?. I also clarified that her phone conversations with that particular guy doesn't bother me until it's maintained at some limits. She answered to this saying that the guy didn't like what she said accidentally once and has never called her after that, neither she had called him. So I said OK and moved on.

But even after all this, when that guy is around, my gf runs away from me as if she don't want to expose to him that we're committed to each other and this blows away my mind. Moreover, she always tend to check out for this guy and acts as if she doesn't mean to do it to hide the fact from me.

And most recently I've found out or I suspect that they do call each other on another number that is unknown to me, and she always have excuses when I ask her being late or unavailable on her phone.

Moreover, she always tells me that she respect our society and curb my desire to hangout outside college at some place by saying that if her relatives will find out this, we'll never be able to even talk again. So we have never seen each other outside college campus for date. Yeah that's true. But I always feel and tell her that going for a dinner or movie won't hurt anybody's morals even if they catch us. But still she denies for it no matter what I do as if she doesn't even care.

But on a positive side, we do text each other many times a day and have a phone conversation for about 30min everyday on average. Also she tells she loves me and respect my feelings towards her and she will tell her parents that she want to marry me and will try to convince them for me. My parents already know her as my close friend and I'm sure they will let me follow my heart. On her side, only her cousin know about me from her house and no one else.

So, all in all, she sounds different and she behaves different. What should I do? And ya, she often lies to me if I ask her the reason due to which she is unable to receive my calls. Should I believe in what this girl says, or should I believe in her behavior which is not so good for our relationship to grow more.

I deeply love her and even if I've found out that she has another number and talks to the other guy, I still believe that it's a friendly talk nothing else. But that fact that she want to hide that from me really hurts me. As I assume that if I overlook it, she will do such things again even after I marry her. What's in this girl's mind? What should I do? I really need some advise over this as I'm totally confused on what to do?

Sorry it's a long read, but kind people, please help me out

[smackie9]

You are going to have to have a talk with her. Make her answer honestly how she felt about you telling her about how you feel about their relationship, and maybe express your concern about how she acts differently around him, why she secretly talks with him, etc. Then work out boundaries, what you think is appropriate, and what she thinks is appropriate in how they spend time together, how much they communicate, etc.

I don't know what she is thinking. All I know she is very emotionally attached to him, but not necessarily romantically attracted to him, but I bet money on it that he is hoping someday she will fall for him....he's too scared to be rejected so she doesn't know his motive for their friendship. We see this a lot on the site....poor saps wondering how to express their feeling to a girl they are friends with....and this can go on for years, them hoping to be with them, it's the fear of rejection that prevents them from ever doing anything about it.

[abadrjp]

You are going to have to have a talk with her. Make her answer honestly how she felt about you telling her about how you feel about their relationship, and maybe express your concern about how she acts differently around him, why she secretly talks with him, etc. Then work out boundaries, what you think is appropriate, and what she thinks is appropriate in how they spend time together, how much they communicate, etc.

I don't know what she is thinking. All I know she is very emotionally attached to him, but not necessarily romantically attracted to him, but I bet money on it that he is hoping someday she will fall for him....he's too scared to be rejected so she doesn't know his motive for their friendship. We see this a lot on the site....poor saps wondering how to express their feeling to a girl they are friends with....and this can go on for years, them hoping to be with them, it's the fear of rejection that prevents them from ever doing anything about it.

Thanks and yeah spot on! I believe in my girl but at the same time I don't have any idea what the guy is gonna do next. And as he is being so kind to my girl, she can't see his foul intentions. What should I do in this situation? Can you advise me? I feel as if I'm stuck. I can't repeatedly talk to my girl over this particular guy as she will start to think about my insecure nature and at the same time I can't even stop that guy from hoping something from my girl which is never gonna come from her. And his over attention towards my girl annoys me at the same time. May you help me find a way out of this?

EDIT : I just had a phone conversation with her and I tried to clear my thoughts to her. She calmly heard me and presented the proofs which made me believe that she is not in contact with him. I feel guilt over my insecure behavior. I told her that she has now the command over this relationship and whatever she'll decide I'll follow without uttering a single word. She told me exactly this, "Come back in my life only when you are cleared with your doubts". How should i interpret this? Does she really want me? OR Is she really breaking up with me? My guts say that she will still accept me if I call her just now, but by doing so, am I doing justice to her love towards me? I am feeling very low now. I want her be happy with me nothing else. What should I do now?

[honeypie]

First of all I don't know your girl and I can only say what I have experienced..

I knew a guy once and I did excatly the same to him as your girl is doing to you for all the same reasons. My problem back then was that I was really concerned with people's thoughts and how my parents was gonna react to it.. I really wanted it to work with him and I only met him at school.. It was excatly like your story - even with all the details. I don't doubt that she loves you..

Your insecurities stem from the fact that you don't spent so much time together which you should as a couple. The reason why she does this is because she doesn't have the tools to make the relationship work until her
Parents find out. YOU need to help her even if she rejects it to begin with. You need to find places where
You can meet and all that. Eventually she'll understand.. But be patient with her, give her a long time to figure things out but help her in small ways.. Did that make sense?

[abadrjp]

First of all I don't know your girl and I can only say what I have experienced..

I knew a guy once and I did excatly the same to him as your girl is doing to you for all the same reasons. My problem back then was that I was really concerned with people's thoughts and how my parents was gonna react to it.. I really wanted it to work with him and I only met him at school.. It was excatly like your story - even with all the details. I don't doubt that she loves you..

Your insecurities stem from the fact that you don't spent so much time together which you should as a couple. The reason why she does this is because she doesn't have the tools to make the relationship work until her
Parents find out. YOU need to help her even if she rejects it to begin with. You need to find places where
You can meet and all that. Eventually she'll understand.. But be patient with her, give her a long time to figure things out but help her in small ways.. Did that make sense?

Thanks.
As I was reading your answer, she called me and said exactly as you stated. She said that she doesn't have tools to please me until she get nod from her parents. And yes, I do respect her feelings and can put aside my desire to spend time together, and I will. Things are solved between us and I'll keep my trust upon her intact. I don't wanna hurt her anymore. God will surely help us to convince our parents.

Thank you smackie9 and honeypie for your valuable inputs. I'm new to this forum but I really like it. Will contribute where I can. Thank you all.

[honeypie]

Glad I could help. But as long as you love each other, respect each other and show a little patience with each other and with your situation, i'm sure God will solve the problem eventually.. But in the meantime use this time to get to know each other before the parents get involved .. Good luck with the future :-)

[smackie9]

You two are heading in the right direction. Communication is the most important tool for a relationship to remain healthy and trouble free.....assuming how the other feels or thinks gets you nowhere.