Fell In Love With My Friend

[stickyfeet]

Hi , I hope anyone can help me with some advice on what to do next

About 4 months ago i met a man and we started out as friends. Gradually we started being sexually involved while at the same time i found out he has a woman in another country. he went and saw her a couple of months ago and thats when i found out she was someewhat significant.

He then broke everything off with her early December and a few days later we had sex. We have been naked together a few times, kissed and had a shower together, that kind of thing.

He and i are very good friends and have an awesome time together as friends, beyond our brief sexual involvement. I have stayed at his house for days at a time, (as friends) with him not wanting me to leave. Pretty much inseperable.

He has never had a good thing to say about this woman he has in another country. Saying she is jealous and possessive, calls his friends to find out if they are sexually involved with him. Really she sounds psychotic. So with all this bad stuff he says i have been saying well, really why would you want to be with her?, she will get worse. Basically discouraging him from being involved with her. Because it just sounded bad.

Anyway around 2 weeks ago at the height of our friendship he told me that he actually thinks he is in love with this woman. It kind of stung, but i didnt say anything.

Then my feelings started to grow for him and then last weekend he said he would consider marrying her, and bringing her back to our country.

My heart broke, and at that point i told him i LOVED him.

Anyway all hell broke loose and he wouldnt speak to me for a week, and eventually when we did speak today he told me that he isnt angry that i told him i love him, he is angry because he feels like our friendship was a FRAUD. Because i have been over the past few weeks trying to talk him out of continuing this woman. He thinks i have been manipulating the situation because he thinks that the whole time i have just wanted him and thats why i have been saying bad things about her

But all i was doing was repeating what he told me about her. He never had anything good to say about her ,and all i was doing was mirroring what he was saying. I dont know her beyond what he has told me

He is angry at me. He says we can speak in a couple of days.

I am mainly heartbroken that he probably doesnt trust me now and i will lose him as a friend.

What do you advise i do. I do really love him. But if i was to choose between love and friendship i would choose friendship.

But really i do want him. Should i just wait for him to call?

[smackie9]

This guy is emotionally unavailable to you. Don't think for a minute he will want a committed loving relationship with you because you screamed out you love him. He isn't going to return your love....you waste your time. Tip: if you want a relationship with someone don't sleep with them until it's a mutual thing. This guy is just using you for sex and doesn't have any feeling for you....his heart belongs to that other women....so stop being a damn fool and stop seeing him. You will not get what you want from this guy.


BTW friends don't sleep with each other.

[RipVanWinkleX]

Sounds like the guy likes you, but not as bf/gf. I guess he assumed it was NSA. You can't completely blame him though; communication about these things is key. I wouldn't say he doesn't have feelings for you; but I would certainly say he does not have deep feelings for you.

But I am sorry that it turned out this way. But I would not wait for him to call. Call him and explain yourself. Say that even though you have feelings for him, you don't want to lose a friend.

That reminds me, I used to listen to a relationship podcast and they said surpsignly 75% of friends who sleep with each other get a sronger friendships (Or around there, it was certainly above 50. Hell, I think it was 80%.). But the other percent is mostly due to the lack of communication thinking it's not NSA and something more.

[stickyfeet]

Sounds like the guy likes you, but not as bf/gf. I guess he assumed it was NSA. You can't completely blame him though; communication about these things is key. I wouldn't say he doesn't have feelings for you; but I would certainly say he does not have deep feelings for you.

But I am sorry that it turned out this way. But I would not wait for him to call. Call him and explain yourself. Say that even though you have feelings for him, you don't want to lose a friend.

That reminds me, I used to listen to a relationship podcast and they said surpsignly 75% of friends who sleep with each other get a sronger friendships (Or around there, it was certainly above 50. Hell, I think it was 80%.). But the other percent is mostly due to the lack of communication thinking it's not NSA and something more.

i did call him yesterday and thats when he told me he was angry at me. Not angry for saying he loves me but he thinks i was manipulating him by saying bad things about his woman in another country.
BUT all he has ever told me IS bad things about her, so i was just mirroring what he was saying. He was angry about that, but i could tell there was a chance he still wanted to be friends, as he did also joke around with me a bit in the same conversation. I made it clear i didnt want to lose him as a friend, so he knows that.

[smackie9]

You are clueless on how it works with relationships. He was saying bad things about her because he was hurting. That is what people do when they are in love and upset. They vent their frustrations. If you chime along with them, you offend the one they love, you have insulted them, that's why you pissed him off.....truly you had no place to do that, you don't even know her.

You may not have had motive to help push her out of his life, it really looked that way...I would have felt the same as him...,.you insult, bash the girl, then you blurt out you are in love with him...that would be enough to have anyone suspect that. Anyways he will get back with her because his heart is invested in her.

If you think by staying friends will increase any chances with him...that won't happen. Before you know it he is find another "friend" to play with.

[stickyfeet]

You are clueless on how it works with relationships. He was saying bad things about her because he was hurting. That is what people do when they are in love and upset. They vent their frustrations. If you chime along with them, you offend the one they love, you have insulted them, that's why you pissed him off.....truly you had no place to do that, you don't even know her.

You may not have had motive to help push her out of his life, it really looked that way...I would have felt the same as him...,.you insult, bash the girl, then you blurt out you are in love with him...that would be enough to have anyone suspect that. Anyways he will get back with her because his heart is invested in her.

If you think by staying friends will increase any chances with him...that won't happen. Before you know it he is find another "friend" to play with.

yeah probably clueless.


After a break of about 10 days we saw each other again and ended up having sex (properly) for the first time and it was amazing. We had tried before but it was a fail. We have fooled around before but never full blown incredible sex. It was kind of unexpected. He freaked out afterwards saying that we cant do it again because of the girl in the other country and he doesnt know what will happen with her. So he has properly cheated on her now. The whole thing has kind of turned me off him now though because he is lying to her on teh phone, saying we are just friends, nothing happened etc. I kind of feel drained and dont know what i feel anymore for him. Except that the sex was probably the best ive had in my whole life. I have asked him to go overseas with me and he says he has to ask her. Which is totally pointless because she doesnt know the truth anyway and if she did.... well

[Boisdevie]

Sounds to me like you're a bit 'intellectually challenged'. Let's hope you've heard about contraception and how to use it.

[searock]

He's an idiot and a cheater... do you seriously want to spend any more of your time waiting for him to realize what a failure his relationship is? He isn't worth it, he doesn't trust you, doesn't respect you - hell he doesn't even respect himself... Go cold turkey, let him realize the mess he's been making and let him stew in his own mistakes... get rid of him, delete his number and delete him from your life. He'll come begging to have you back, but you won't even bother to reply. What an idiot jerk.

Oh and next time, don't try to make friends with someone you are attracted to (or who is attracted to you).

[stickyfeet]

Sounds to me like you're a bit 'intellectually challenged'. Let's hope you've heard about contraception and how to use it.

haha i think you might be intellectually challenged yourself, seeing that you know absolutely nothing about me.oh and btw I am about to graduate as a medical doctor... so...think again

[stickyfeet]

He's an idiot and a cheater... do you seriously want to spend any more of your time waiting for him to realize what a failure his relationship is? He isn't worth it, he doesn't trust you, doesn't respect you - hell he doesn't even respect himself... Go cold turkey, let him realize the mess he's been making and let him stew in his own mistakes... get rid of him, delete his number and delete him from your life. He'll come begging to have you back, but you won't even bother to reply. What an idiot jerk.

Oh and next time, don't try to make friends with someone you are attracted to (or who is attracted to you).

thanks, i have decided today that this is exactly what i am going to do. Its too messy, i think he is actually playing one off the other (me and the girl). Ugh and yeah even if i DID "win" him, he would most likely cheat on me.

[Boisdevie]

haha i think you might be intellectually challenged yourself, seeing that you know absolutely nothing about me.oh and btw I am about to graduate as a medical doctor... so...think again

I agree I'm far from perfect but I'm not the one getting shagged by an idiot.

[smackie9]

Ya he is using this other girl as a bs excuse..... I say he's playing ya. What better way to get shagged with NSA.

[smackie9]

On the other side of the coin, throw the emotions out of the equation and have booty calls....there simple. While you are getting sex just keep your options open.

[UKRomantic]

So, you stay at his quite a lot, you spend a lot of time together and are sexually active... I'd say that's more than a "friend" and I think you thought there was more too.

Him? He may see you as a friend, but not a close friend or anything like that. Just someone he can use when he wants the attention and sex.

Harsh, but true. It's something a lot of us fall for. We think there is more to it, when realistically, we're just been played/used/strung along.

[stickyfeet]

Ya he is using this other girl as a bs excuse..... I say he's playing ya. What better way to get shagged with NSA.

i think he is playing us against each other. Making each other jealous so that he gets more attention. I have decided to fall off the radar, no announcement, just dissappear. In reality he isnt actually going to end up with her, as she is in a non western country and its going to be very very difficult and costly to bring her over permanently. She wont be able to work here either. They fight so much already and they arent even in the same country. I think sometimes he is playing up their relationship to make me jealous