Being able to love again

[Drumzzz]

Hi

About a year and a half ago a girl and i broke up.
She had been cheating on her bf with me. Yes i know this was wrong but i really really loved her and never had someone to love before.
I went through a really hard time during but also after the breakup.
Now we see eachother from time to time but we fought a lot at the end so we don't even look at eachother.

Now my 2 questions:
- why do i still miss her after all the shit she put me through? (it really is a huge shitlist...)
- why after 1.5 years can't i seem to be able to love someone else? it just doesn't happen anymore

thx and happy newyear everyone

[smackie9]

why do i still miss her after all the shit she put me through? (it really is a huge shitlist...)

You already answered this "never had someone to love before."

why after 1.5 years can't i seem to be able to love someone else? it just doesn't happen anymore?

Because you won't let go.

[Wakeup]

Now my 2 questions:
- why do i still miss her after all the shit she put me through? (it really is a huge shitlist...)
- why after 1.5 years can't i seem to be able to love someone else? it just doesn't happen anymore

Because you do nothing to help yourself move on from her. Instead of doing the mental exercises you need to do to stop thinking about her, you wallow in your memories and you cling to your pain like it was your best friend.

Stop getting involved with woman that are not available to love you back. Go see a therapist about your fear of commitment. IMO: It's people that will fk a married person that are afraid to commit. Afterall, they'd not bother with someone elses mate if they didn't fear committing to their own.

Start consciously changing the subject of her when she pops into your mind.
Take her down of the pedestal you've placed her on. She isn't all that if she'd lay with you when she has committed exclusively to someone else.
Work to stop disresepecting yourself by laying with women that are taken. That makes you no better then her.
Work on making and maintaining your own personal boundaries so that you won't cross them yourself and end up with some other twat that can't be faithful.

You can get over her if you actually try to. You've yet to even accept it's over for ffs.

[Drumzzz]

Because you do nothing to help yourself move on from her. Instead of doing the mental exercises you need to do to stop thinking about her, you wallow in your memories and you cling to your pain like it was your best friend.

Stop getting involved with woman that are not available to love you back. Go see a therapist about your fear of commitment. IMO: It's people that will fk a married person that are afraid to commit. Afterall, they'd not bother with someone elses mate if they didn't fear committing to their own.

Start consciously changing the subject of her when she pops into your mind.
Take her down of the pedestal you've placed her on. She isn't all that if she'd lay with you when she has committed exclusively to someone else.
Work to stop disresepecting yourself by laying with women that are taken. That makes you no better then her.
Work on making and maintaining your own personal boundaries so that you won't cross them yourself and end up with some other twat that can't be faithful.

You can get over her if you actually try to. You've yet to even accept it's over for ffs.

i know it's over
i even hate her for everything she did
it's a very long story but believe it or not i too think having something with a person that is already taken is completely wrong, but in my defense she was about to leave him and played it quite smart (at least that's what everyone around me says)
i am trying to forget her but from time to time she pops in my mind and i miss the old days
seeing her passing by with him at her side isn't really helpen at all

i miss somebody, it might not be her (like i said i hate her) but why am i not interested in anybody else?

[smackie9]

You need to let your heart heal, but instead you long for the old days, and torture yourself with thought of them together. If you don't heal, you won't be emotionally ready for someone new. You spend to much energy in her still. That is why, because you won't let go.

[Wakeup]

i know it's over
i even hate her for everything she did
it's a very long story but believe it or not i too think having something with a person that is already taken is completely wrong, but in my defense she was about to leave him and played it quite smart (at least that's what everyone around me says)
i am trying to forget her but from time to time she pops in my mind and i miss the old days
seeing her passing by with him at her side isn't really helpen at all

i miss somebody, it might not be her (like i said i hate her) but why am i not interested in anybody else?[/

Because your mind and your heart are not free and clear of her. You've yet to get to the stage of indifference to her, her memory, what she's doing now. You've not yet reached that stage of indifference because you're afraid to let go of the dream.

Work on yourself (which includes therapy if need be) to figure out why you allowed yourself to fall for someone who wasn't free to fall for. Something is missing in you if you allowed that very fundamental personal boundary to be crossed. You particularily need to find out why you would allow yourself to become vulnerable to her yet you won't let yourself become vulnerable to anyone new who is free to be had.

[Drumzzz]

Because your mind and your heart are not free and clear of her. You've yet to get to the stage of indifference to her, her memory, what she's doing now. You've not yet reached that stage of indifference because you're afraid to let go of the dream.

Work on yourself (which includes therapy if need be) to figure out why you allowed yourself to fall for someone who wasn't free to fall for. Something is missing in you if you allowed that very fundamental personal boundary to be crossed. You particularily need to find out why you would allow yourself to become vulnerable to her yet you won't let yourself become vulnerable to anyone new who is free to be had.

i think i already know the answer to that... when this all started i was facing a depression (made it easier for her)

maybe you're right and i need some more time (although 1.5 years isn't nothing)
would it help if i talked to her 1 more time telling her what i think about her? i haven't had that chance yet and i think it might give me some relieve
but she just keeps pushing me, like on christmas eve i went to a bar and she was there too, the day after i found my car all scratched up!

[smackie9]

Since you are a drummer maybe you should focus on your music and interact with people on your gigs more. Just have fun.

[smackie9]

i think i already know the answer to that... when this all started i was facing a depression (made it easier for her)

maybe you're right and i need some more time (although 1.5 years isn't nothing)
would it help if i talked to her 1 more time telling her what i think about her? i haven't had that chance yet and i think it might give me some relieve
but she just keeps pushing me, like on christmas eve i went to a bar and she was there too, the day after i found my car all scratched up!

Dude walk away! and stay away! what a nut job she is.

[Drumzzz]

i try
but i just started a professional career in IT so i don't get to play much anymore + it's been 1.6 years since my last gig

[Wakeup]

i think i already know the answer to that... when this all started i was facing a depression (made it easier for her)

maybe you're right and i need some more time (although 1.5 years isn't nothing)
would it help if i talked to her 1 more time telling her what i think about her? i haven't had that chance yet and i think it might give me some relieve
but she just keeps pushing me, like on christmas eve i went to a bar and she was there too, the day after i found my car all scratched up!

Don't talk to her again, don't think about her again (change the thought to something else the minute she comes to your mind), don't email her again, don't text her again, don't send her a note through carrier pidgeon, don't do anything that entails anything to do with her. If you see her in a bar, then leave.

Get back out there and start living your life as if she was never in it. You've stopped having tawdry extra-marital sex with her a year and a half ago. It's time you put an end to your misery.

Zero contact and that means even in your own head.

Even thinking that she's responsible for your scratched car when you have no real proof is you NOT MOVING ON FROM HER.

[smackie9]

i try
but i just started a professional career in IT so i don't get to play much anymore + it's been 1.6 years since my last gig

Oh good lord that's what's missing from your life! maybe find some other dudes to meet up once a week to jam and have some fun....invite people over to hang out and listen.

[Drumzzz]

i hang out, i'm barely at home
and we have no contact anymore, i don't even say hello to her
and me and my friends are pretty sure it was her... we have enough leads

[smackie9]

Oh well just shrug it off and not acknowledge it or you will let her win....she's pissed you don't pay any attention to her so she thought by scratching your car would get a reaction...don't let her have it.

[Drumzzz]

i think it's too late for that
i mailed everybody who was there that i know who did it and would report it to the police