Needing a males perspective...

[CA23012]

I think a lot of people will ask questions about past relationships, in which case you can give a detail here or there at your discretion. The numbers question might get asked a lot too, but in my experience, questions like that tend to come up in light-hearted fashion when you're already in there with someone, and it would take a really out-there response for it to have any impact on the relationship at that point. The OP seems to think her answer would be one of those out-there responses, and like I said, I don't think it is.

IMO though, girls have a conventional discretionary standard on their side (e.g it's rude to ask a lady her age etc.), and she can fall back on that to dismiss the question if someone is daring enough to ask it.

It wouldn't surprise me if it turned out girls ask these questions of men more often than vice versa, for fear she might be another notch on the belt. I think most guys just want to be the center of their own universe, and would sooner shut their eyes and cover their ears before wanting to know anything about a girl's past relationships. Among the guys I know, they don't ask and they don't wanna know.

On a side note, the only times I have heard a girl's numbers were in open conversation with more than two people (usually involving alcohol), and in another instance I asked a girl her number in rebuttal to her asking me first. I have never initiated that line of questioning, nor would I ever care to. Most cases, a girl just wants to tell me about her past, which then segue-ways into her asking about mine.

IMO If a guy is gonna ask the OP for a number and she dismisses it on discretionary grounds, and the guy refuses to let it go until he gets a number that he is satisfied with, that should be her red flag.

[Wakeup]

The numbers question might get asked a lot too, but in my experience, questions like that tend to come up in light-hearted fashion when you're already in there with someone, and it would take a really out-there response for it to have any impact on the relationship at that point

Are you kidding? Have you seen how many threads get started in this particular forum alone (never mind the hundreds of other ones out there) where a man has fallen in love, thinks the girl is perfect for him but wants to break up with her because her promiscuous past is something he can NOT wrap his lizard brain around and the OCD thinking on it is ruining the bond? The brain he has that has not yet evolved from the days of men can have many to spread their seed but woman should not because she needs to be discerning.

IMO If a guy is gonna ask the OP for a number and she dismisses it on discretionary grounds, and the guy refuses to let it go until he gets a number that he is satisfied with, that should be her red flag.

Exactly why I recommend she get that conversation out there early.

[CA23012]

Well if there a lot of guys that get hung up on that, then the OP should appreciate that if a relationship doesn't work out because the guy has an issue with her past, that's his problem and not hers, and instead of being sorrowful she lost him, be glad she dodged the bullet of going any further with an obsessive jealous type

Looking at the previous posts, you seem to advise on one hand how to avoid answering the number question directly, and on the other you advise to get the conversation out there early. To clarify, are you saying open up the conversation about past relationships early on, and see if the number question gets brought up? I suppose that's a good way to catch any warning signs early on, to see where his line of questioning goes, and how he handles your answers.

But again, if we can agree that the number question is ridiculous, then on that basis alone you should be able to stick to your guns and not answer it, rather than think up clever ways around it. There's plenty of other past relationship questions you can answer, but that shouldn't be one of them. And whether you like the guy or not, if his make-or-break status with you hinders on that question being answered, then he's not worth your time. And if there's a lot of them, then you just have to sort through the weeds.

[Wakeup]

I answered how I view what Op should be congnisant of when/if she dates a guy that may very well care that she's not on par with what he can accept, his own personal boundaries and his own sensibilities when it comes to being discerning or not.

Some people, believe it or not have standards that they themselves would not cross and they take offense when someone else has crossed the very boundaries they would not. It's best to find out compatibility in all aspects early on, quite calmly and matter of factly. What you learn as you get to know one another can be processed when you're away from one another and have had time to decide if who you're interested in is worth going forward with or is what you've learned just not someone that you feel is like yourself in boundaries.

That being said. Op can't change her past but she has done work to change what she her own self is not happy with. That, as I said has worth. Hopefully if she gets with someone who cares about non-promiscuity, he will be wise enough to take that into consideration.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Some people, believe it or not have standards that they themselves would not cross and they take offense when someone else has crossed the very boundaries they would not.

Yes, standards and personal boundaries, like not dating chicks who sell their body.

[Wakeup]

Not even ****ing them if they wouldnt date them even.

[Silhouettes]

Some guys will care, but it's more of an ego thing if you've slept with more guys than they've slept with girls.

It's honestly not a big deal, and you can't change the past, nor can you control what someone will think of you.

[FlaCooln]

As long as she is disease free, numbers don't matter unless it was ridiculous. But, I would never ask a girl that. However, if she said 0 or like 1-2 and she was around my age (32) and hadn't been married or in long term relationship(s) that would make me wonder. Nothing wrong with some experience in the bedroom, as it can make for a great time.

[bassman123]

Honestly your number is nothing to be ashamed of at all. The only guys that will feel insecure will be the ones with less partners and who are not mentally mature enough to deal with the fact youve been with anyone but them. 17...youre fine...I slept with a girl who had over 50 or perhaps more. She was a victim of sexual abuse and was emotionally detached from sex I didnt hold it against her till she started telling me too many things in detail that made me not want to touch her. Its not about the number of partners its about your respect for the other person and theirs for you. Youre not even close to a slut trust me.

[Karan]

ur awesome. Not many can say they had 17 sex partners there's nothing wrong with that. U only live once.

[woody]

Okay, so I'll try to make this as short as possible.

When I was very young I was raped. The councillor I was seeing a couple of years ago said that this affected my ability to respect myself and my body while growing up and going through my school years.

I slept with someone at the age of 13, I was young and stupid. I also believed I loved this guy, so when it all fell to pieces, so did I. From the age of 13-14 I had 6 sexual partners. Then from the age of 15-16 I had another 7. I grew up a lot after that and slept with 4 (all boyfriends I was with for 6 months+) between the age of 16-20.

I regret my stupidity when was a teenager and wish I could go back and change a few things from my past. But unfortunately, I can't. So what I want to know is how do I tell the next guy I date that I have slept with 17 people? I feel so ashamed. I don't want to lie because I believe honesty is very important, but I'm worried that he will think badly of me. My last couple of boyfriends never asked my number, so I was grateful for that. But what if the next one does and he's the one? Will it all fall to pieces because of my high numberr? I'm so embarrassed. I don't feel like a slut, but what if the next guy I meet thinks I am?

Male advice would be muchly appreciated, thanks guys,

Narny

Dear Narny

I would suggest some form of therapy. What you have been through is a terrible trauma that has contributed to your esteem and from what you have said, the healing needs to continue on.
You must not beat yourself up over this.
It wasn't your fault.

I'm so sorry you were victimized way back when.
Your 'number' is yours and truly no one else's business and truly, it is nothing to be ashamed of.
. There may be a reason you feel the need to share everything with this future guy. Again dear Narny, please go talk to a therapist. You should not be dealing with your trauma of past, alone.

all the best
woody

[Wakeup]

Honestly your number is nothing to be ashamed of at all. The only guys that will feel insecure will be the ones with less partners and who are not mentally mature enough to deal with the fact youve been with anyone but them. 17...youre fine...I slept with a girl who had over 50 or perhaps more. She was a victim of sexual abuse and was emotionally detached from sex I didnt hold it against her till she started telling me too many things in detail that made me not want to touch her. Its not about the number of partners its about your respect for the other person and theirs for you. Youre not even close to a slut trust me.

Thanks for proving a point. SMH.

[Brent29]

A smart man knows not to ask. A secure man doesn't even care.