Needing a males perspective...

[Narny8]

Okay, so I'll try to make this as short as possible.

When I was very young I was raped. The councillor I was seeing a couple of years ago said that this affected my ability to respect myself and my body while growing up and going through my school years.

I slept with someone at the age of 13, I was young and stupid. I also believed I loved this guy, so when it all fell to pieces, so did I. From the age of 13-14 I had 6 sexual partners. Then from the age of 15-16 I had another 7. I grew up a lot after that and slept with 4 (all boyfriends I was with for 6 months+) between the age of 16-20.

I regret my stupidity when was a teenager and wish I could go back and change a few things from my past. But unfortunately, I can't. So what I want to know is how do I tell the next guy I date that I have slept with 17 people? I feel so ashamed. I don't want to lie because I believe honesty is very important, but I'm worried that he will think badly of me. My last couple of boyfriends never asked my number, so I was grateful for that. But what if the next one does and he's the one? Will it all fall to pieces because of my high numberr? I'm so embarrassed. I don't feel like a slut, but what if the next guy I meet thinks I am?

Male advice would be muchly appreciated, thanks guys,

Narny

[pcmaster]

I think 17 is not much. How about girls who go out every friday night? Its like 4 months of work to achieve this number. Some girls are just naturaly ataractive and friendly so they get more sex. Its good that guys finds you attractive cause otherwise you would be here complaining about your virginity and that no one needs you.

You can look back in the past and regret mistakes or see them as steps to sucsess. Also its easy to see things from negative or positive point of view but what it takes to put a little love in every thought and action. Will that change how you feel?

Would it, Narny?

[Archie]

Well, I imagined what that would feel like for me and uhh.. I'd be shocked. But it would have to depend on my feelings towards you as a person before you told me this. If I really liked you, I don't think that'd be a dealbreaker for me.
I like the fact that you want to be honest about it, that alone is worth something.

[Wakeup]

I'm not a guy but I'd think that the fact that you actually have gotten (are getting) help for what caused you to be promiscuous is much more important than your number. Also, that you were discerning with me (if I were a guy) and actually got to know me before you had sex with me would show me that you've grown from your troubled past.

Sadly, there are men out there that don't care much about who you are now and will hold you're past against you. It's those men that you have to be careful with because they will gladly share themselves with you but they'll not view in a serious manner. That is why, IMO, it is very important that you get to know who you are with, how they view things like this see if they have any double standards and form an emotional bond with them prior to bedding them.

That way, YOU will be looking after your own emotional health.

[HeartIsAching]

Why tell him at all? Are you carrying a disease he needs to know about? Is it really any of his business?

We react in awful ways to the hurts that are done to us... and you reacted fairly normally and harmlessly to some grievous harm. It's not that terrible a thing you've done, really.

[CA23012]

I have heard plenty of BIG numbers in my day from girls. Bigger than what you're describing. A lot of girls I've come across have lost count by mid 20s (some guys too). And I don't think the company I keep is anything out of the ordinary.

Chris Rock said it best in his stand-up. Asking about how many sexual partners someone had in the past, and trying to seriously weigh that in with your assessment of the person, is stupid. There's no good answer to that question. If someone's asking, it better be detached curiosity that's not gonna impact anything. If a guy asks you and has a problem with your answer, that's his insecurity showing.

[Rowen]

If it's the right guy, it won't matter to him and he won't think of you as a slut. I'm speaking from experience when I say that... I went through a lot of sleeping around as well which ultimately led to some truly bad things, so I can kind of imagine how you must feel in that sense...though I know I can't relate 100%. And I was afraid to tell those I've dated about things like that due to the fact I was afraid they'd think the same thing. But I met a great guy that I fell in love with, and even better he returns it. I'll always know that he returns it because of the fact he knows absolutely everything that I have never shared with another soul in my entire life. And after each of the things, I just kept telling him that I hope he didn't think bad thoughts about me and that it was who I was-not who I am now. In the end, he just told me that it never changed or would change the way he feels about me...

The point of that story is, OP, that that is the indication that it's the right guy. Because the right guy will look at you and see everything- absolutely everything- all your flaws, all your strengths, and who you are. And, most important, he'll look past those flaws to see that you are a terrific person and that your past is not your future. He'll see that, while it happened, it shaped you into who you are, and for being who you are, he will love you. Truly love you for you.

He's out there, OP, and he's looking for you. And you two will find each other. Don't think for a second that it won't happen because it will. Sure, you may go through some disappoints with some men and have a few breakups, but you WILL find him.
No matter what, it gets better. Just remember that.

[dickriculous]

Tell him the same thing I tell every woman who's ever asked me: "That's none of your business".

[Valixy]

Narny, the person who asks that question is immature and the person who responds to that question is also immature. A decent question would be how long have you been single, have you ever been in a serious relationship, or something like that. You can mention your last serious relationship but do not give any guy an account of all your serious boyfriends or sexual partners. It doesn't matter if you had 1 partner or 17, your sexual history concerns you and only you and you have the right to privacy. Who can't understand that needs some serious growing up to do.

If anyone asked me that, I would probably laugh and say that's none of your business and brush it off. Yes, a question like that could only be some kind of joke.

[okwhat2013]

I think the main number guys are concerned about is the number of guys you have slept with while dating them. We prefer that number to be one. ;-)

[Wakeup]

Tell him the same thing I tell every woman who's ever asked me: "That's none of your business".

If a man answered a question about how many relationships he's been in, compared to how many partners he's had, with "that's none of your business" well, That would be enough of a red flag for me to cut all contact. Thats why, (God forbid) if I ever have to start dating again, I'll get that question out there early.

OP: My suggestion is if they ask you your number, tell them the serious relationships you've been in so far.
Its understandable why you want to confess how many sexual partners you've had (compared to actual relationships) but I don't think you need to confess that number unless you've actually been asked specifically. If its a deal breaker for him, then for your own emotional well being, it's best you find out early, before you've fallen for him and he you.

I also think it would also be a good idea that you answer his question (should he pose it) with another one first, like... "Why is more then one a deal breaker for you?"

[surfhb2]

i have heard plenty of big numbers in my day from girls. Bigger than what you're describing. A lot of girls i've come across have lost count by mid 20s (some guys too). And i don't think the company i keep is anything out of the ordinary.

Chris rock said it best in his stand-up. Asking about how many sexual partners someone had in the past, and trying to seriously weigh that in with your assessment of the person, is stupid. There's no good answer to that question. If someone's asking, it better be detached curiosity that's not gonna impact anything. If a guy asks you and has a problem with your answer, that's his insecurity showing.

thumps up!

[CA23012]

If a man answered a question about how many relationships he's been in, compared to how many partners he's had, with "that's none of your business" well, That would be enough of a red flag for me to cut all contact. Thats why, (God forbid) if I ever have to start dating again, I'll get that question out there early.

OP: My suggestion is if they ask you your number, tell them the serious relationships you've been in so far.
Its understandable why you want to confess how many sexual partners you've had (compared to actual relationships) but I don't think you need to confess that number unless you've actually been asked specifically. If its a deal breaker for him, then for your own emotional well being, it's best you find out early, before you've fallen for him and he you.

I also think it would also be a good idea that you answer his question (should he pose it) with another one first, like... "Why is more then one a deal breaker for you?"

As long as we're talking strictly about numbers, I'd say it's perfectly appropriate to dismiss the question (though perhaps in a nicer way than 'none of your business'). There may be other questions about past relationships worth asking (tread with extreme caution), but asking for numbers only creates unfair prejudice against the person.

[dickriculous]

If a man answered a question about how many relationships he's been in, compared to how many partners he's had, with "that's none of your business" well, That would be enough of a red flag for me to cut all contact.

Maybe "it's none of your business" isn't the best reply, but I'm certainly not going to play that game the way I am expected to.

There is a big difference between those two questions. The serious relationship question is relatively free of the red tape stranglehold applied to it by generations of overbearing and sanctimonious politics that has warped the way people think about the sexual partners question. On top of that (and to no small extent, because of that), if you ask me "how many serious relationships have you had", it's believable to me that this is actually a question of honest curiosity. My experience, however, is that "how many women have you been with?" is never any such thing - at least from women who are interested in me. It's far more likely to be a shit test and if you play that game any which way other than by your own rules you lose. Hell, even when other guys ask me that question I still get the feeling that it's more them sizing me up than it is an honest curiosity thing.

[Wakeup]

It is about 'sizing you up' no doubt.

but asking for numbers only creates unfair prejudice against the person.

The Op's point entirely. We can all tell her that it doesn't matter, but shes not naive and understands that to many people, it does.

Whether asking the question is mature (or not) doesn't matter if she really likes the guy and he decides that he needs to know that number. Her saying "none of your business" isn't going to satisfy him. in my opinion, it shouldn't satisfy any women either, but as I've said before, more women then not, it appears don't seem to judge a man for his number like a many, many men do a woman for hers.