I know this is a touchy topic and I am ready to get bashed for this whole mess. I've always thought of cheaters as awful people and when I've learned people have cheated on their significant other I've always thought it was wrong. I really need some advice on what to do with my life. I've considered going to a therapist because I don't feel like I'm doing something normal. Please read and help!
I've been in a relationship with C for many years ( over 6 ) and we started dating in our late teens at 19. Prior to us dating we had never really dated anyone else besides "high school relationships" . My relationship with C has been everything from great to horrific. C is slightly odd socially. He has never wanted to go out with my friends or my family. It's only been in the past year or so where we he's been willing to try new things. C and I have been fighting about our future for about two years. About two years ago I started to feel ready to settle down with him and join our lives together i.e moving in together and getting engaged. C laughed me for two years straight and has told me many times that he doesn't know if he wants to marry me ever. Our relationship took a turning point because of the bickering and him not wanting to commit to me. College has come and gone and still our relationship hasn't changed. We rarely see each other despite living in the same town and I feel single most of the time to be honest. Whenever my friends or relatives are with their SO I'm usually alone. I've struggled with depression for many years and always thought there was something wrong with me because he didn't give me attention or wanted to be around me. We've had numerous fights about how I feel that he doesn't even love or want to be with me but after a month of him trying to make an effort he falls back into old habits. I know that I haven't really dated that much but I'm ready or thought I was ready to be with him. I've spent most of our relationship home and alone because he doesn't want to see me more than twice a week if I'm lucky.
I've had a really good guy friend in my life for 3 years. L has been in a long term relationship as well and we've bonded over everything in life. Things took an awkward turn in my life when he had a one night stand with a friend of mine after ending his GF ended their relationship. I had an extremely hard time with their hook up and realized that I had feelings for him as well. I never would've guessed in a million years that I would have feelings for him. He is complete opposite of my type and my personality. My bf has never cared that I hung out with him one on one because he knew that he wasn't my type and I wasn't interested in him. After many weeks of torturing myself about his hook up with my friend I ended up drinking way too much when we were hanging out and confessed my feelings for him. He confessed that he had feelings for me for most of our friendship but never thought I would ever been interested in him. We ended up kissing but I never wanted it to go any further. Things started to get really bad with C and we were arguing everytime we talked or hung out. I started hanging out with L more and continued to kiss him but that was all. I had one last conversation with my bf about how things needed to change so I distanced myself from L but once again my bf decided to not have any interest.
The fighting continued and I started spending practically everyday with L for a few weeks. I loved having his company but never really felt like I could have a relationship with L. My bf and I broke up or at least I thought we did when I told him that we were over and then I would be in touch to return his belongings. I ended up getting closer to L and almost had sex with him. We continued to fool around for a week but never had sex. My bf called me and wanted to work on things so we talked and I felt like it could get better so I made a decision to just be friends with L. I ended up having a hard time staying away from L but we just cuddled and kissed and nothing sexual happened.
Now I feel so lost and confused. I feel like an evil monster for ever spending time with L. I've seen my bf twice since reconciling over a week ago and have barely spoke to him so it's the same pattern again. Why can't I just break up with him? I think L is starting to get more feelings for me.
It seems so easy to just be 100% done with my bf but now he has started to promise things in the future like moving in together in the next year and what not so what do I do? Do I walk away when he is finally ready to commit?