need advice - paralysing fear of asking women out

[eco-guy]

hello. i've been reading stuff on this forum for a while, and now i've decided to ask something myself. i'm not really looking for an answer to end all questions, but would really like to hear if anyone has had the same trouble as me, and would also really value the women's perspective on this.

my basic problem is that i'm afraid of asking out girls/women because of fear of rejection (nothing new right?), but not because of the rejection itself. what i'm more afraid of is that after saying "no", even in a polite way, she will tell everyone and that people are going to laugh behind my back and think "he thought he had a chance with HER?". this has happened to me once in high school and seems to have set the stage for my relationships in the future. basically, i'm afraid of the embarassment of rejection, not so much the rejection itself (although that's a bit daunting as well).

a bit of background: i'm 26, work at an environmental NGO, i'm fairly tall, a bit overweigth (one of the things i'm quite self-conscious about), though i've started working out and am set to lose the extra pounds. i'm average looking, not bad looking, have been called goodlooking before, and have also been called an irregular type looks wise, which i guess can sometimes be a good thing. i generally have no problem being friends with women. i can get very friendly with them, quite confiedent and layed back, and have never been the needy type who gets, as it were "friend zoned", simply because i act quite confident and unaffected, and because i never let myself get to the point where i am someone's emotional crutch. but i'm always there for people emtionally if they need me. i have had several situations where a girl seemed to flirt with me, however i've never had a situation where a woman quite clearly (undoubtably) showed that she was attracted to me and wanted to get close to me. people have told me that they generally percieve me as a very confident person, which i guess i generally am, except when it comes to women. there i'm totally insecure, quite shy (never flirt).

i often feel like i'm not good enough to ask someone out, even if they seem to really like and get quite personal with me, not to say that they "like me" like me, but that i have a good enough basis to at least ask them out. this is beause, like i said, i'm afraid that they will create an embarassing situation for me. this is because in my social life i'm mostly surrounded by people with whom i work with in a way. my job, at this NGO, is quite demanding and i don't really get to hang out with people outside of work (mostly people from the office, volunteers in the organization, people from other organizations and people i've met through all of the afore mentioned). besides a lot of work, this is because i believe quite deeply in what i do, and although i have no problem hanging out with other people, i naturally gravitate towards people who share the same basic principle i have (human rights, ecology...). naturally, right? because of this i have found that women with whom i get on with well, but don't share these basic principles, simply turn me off. so i naturally find myself in a situation where i only seem to like girls with whom i have such things in common, which usually means that i meet them through some of my friends or acquaintances. but i'm always afraid to ask thes girls out, fearing that they will tell someone and spread it around if they reject me. i have pride issues, and would be quite ashamed to have my rejection become public. i just seem to be unable to ask a girl i like out, or even show more than basic interest in her, because i'm afraid she'll know i like before i can gauge her interest and relationship status. the fear is quite paralysing.

so, i'm really interested if anyone alse has been in a similar situation. not the exact one, since i know it's specific , but just generally afraid to ask a girl out or show interest/attraction because you're afraid that she will reject you, and also that others will find out about this.
maybe some women can chime in, and tell me how they would react, or have reacted in the past. like, did you tell one of your friends that this and that guy asked you out, or something like that?

any help is greatly appreciated since i would really like to improve myself in this department, and i generally feel that if i can get past these fears that i've created by myself, i can start asking out girls i like.

[anastasis]

That paralyzing fear of asking women out is a subconscious self-preservation mechanism. It's there for a reason. Your sexual functions are driving you to want to ask a woman out, but your logical, rational functions are telling you that women suck and you'll only get screwed in the end. Listen to that little voice that keeps telling you to be afraid, be very afraid. Deep down inside you haven't asked them out because you know they aren't worth it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0T1IVyXBGjM

[Fyodor]

Girls typically don't let you know explicitly that they are interested. They hint and all that stuff, but they don't want to be rejected either. And like it or not, culture is such that the guy is the one who usually has to make the move and put things on the line. We usually have to do the leg work and put ourselves on the line. Just way it is.

I share your anxiety, and most other guys do too, but honestly the only way to overcome it is by putting yourself out there. You will find it's not nearly as disastrous as you are imagining, and you will also find that the things that happen in high school(and the way ppl behave in high school) don't really carry over into the real world. You sound like your surrounded by intelligent passionate ppl who care about important things. They will probably not react AT ALL like your high school mates did. Have a little faith, not just in yourself, but in those around you.

Best of luck

[bcgirl]

Hey Eco-guy, highschool is behind us. You ain't the only guy that has been humiliated in high school. No one likes public humiliation, when you're a teen in high school your insecure as is. At the time, getting rejected by that pretty girl was probably the worst thing ever. You hold onto that and have made that monster bigger, hairier and scarier than it actually is. Ever seen the movie "the 40 year old virgin"? You don't want to be this way till you are 40. The next girl you like, just take a leap and ask her out. What's the worst she can do? Say no? Big deal.

[eco-guy]

thanks for all the feedback guys!

it's not that i'm afraid to be rejected per se, but that i'm always afraid of the fallout, like feeling awkward and uncomfortable around that person, like i was being presumptuous in asking. it's much easier when you meet a girl that you don't know that well and who isn't from one of your social circles. then it's easy to just leap, ask her out and if she says no, no biggie, you'll probably never see her again or have to have anything to do with her. but when it's someone i know i will not be able to avoid, i just freeze. it's like everytime i see this person, it's gonna remind me.