He seems indifferent... advice please?

[sharpey269]

I am engaged to my dream man and we are very compatible in almost every way... but he doesn’t make me feel loved. I am a very loving sort person and go out of my way to make his lunches in the morning, tell him I love him multiple times a day, and spend as much time with him as I can. I am unsure of whether I am being overly sensitive or if he is really indifferent to me (which is what it feels like). These are the sorts of things that give me the vibe that he is indifferent:

1) I am almost always the first to say I love you. He always says it back but rarely says it first. 2) When I want him to take me on a date I have to ask. He is always willing but never goes out of his way to request these types of things. 3) He never asks me to watch movies together or spend time together. Even small things like when we are studying (we are both in grad school) he seems just as happy to study in separate rooms. If I ask him to move and study with me he gladly does so but it doesn’t seem to matter to him.

Today is a great example of typical behavior: He got home from work, went upstairs for 30 min to change and clean up, came down and ate quickly then is out of the room again checking email and hanging out. I knew he wanted to go to the gym tonight and since its already 8:30pm I went to check on him to see if thats still the plan. He was laying in bed, looking at his phone and said he is still going to the gym, meaning he wont be back until 10pm which is when we will go to bed. I did tell him that I have alot of homework tonight but he has made no effort to spend a minute of his time tonight with me. Basically, after not seeing him all day, I wont see him at all tonight either.

I would love another perspective on these sorts of behaviors. Is this normal or odd? I did not grow up around men and have a hard time understanding what is normal for them. I realize that this is the stereotypical line from a woman but I want him to want to me around me, not do it because I ask him to. Any advice?

[surfhb2]

When you talk to him about all this he says??

[sharpey269]

He says that he loves me very much and doesn't feel like he is indifferent to me at all.

[surfhb2]

He says that he loves me very much and doesn't feel like he is indifferent to me at all.

Not sure what to tell you.....you say you meet your dream man, very compatible and are engaged and live together. Some guys just wont say I Love you first....just the way it is. I mean, his actions seem pretty typical of a married couple (which is what you are). I find it hard to believe he spends no time with you? Is your sex life good? these are just growing pains of being married....pretty typical really.

[sharpey269]

Not sure what to tell you.....you say you meet your dream man, very compatible and are engaged and live together. Some guys just wont say I Love you first....just the way it is. I mean, his actions seem pretty typical of a married couple (which is what you are). I find it hard to believe he spends no time with you? Is your sex life good? these are just growing pains of being married....pretty typical really.

Thanks... I appreciate the opinion. Like I said, I havent had have many men or couple role models to see whats normal. We do spend time together, just initiated by me almost always. Sex is great. My only complaint about the relationship is that I feel like there is little initiative on his end to spend time together, cuddle, affection, etc. Its all on me. Its entirely possible that I'm being dramatic which I why I went looking for opinions. Thanks for the comment!

[surfhb2]

Thanks... I appreciate the opinion. Like I said, I havent had have many men or couple role models to see whats normal. We do spend time together, just initiated by me almost always. Sex is great. My only complaint about the relationship is that I feel like there is little initiative on his end to spend time together, cuddle, affection, etc. Its all on me. Its entirely possible that I'm being dramatic which I why I went looking for opinions. Thanks for the comment!

Look at it this way....his initiative IS the time he spends with you. Cheer up! You have a man whom you love and he loves you, great in the sack and spends time with you and, as you put it, your "dream man and we are very compatible in almost every way..." Feel better? Just relax.....hes a guy. We often dont act all cuddling wuddling

[Boisdevie]

It's quite simple. Regardless of what is 'normal' for other couples, if you're not happy with how things are then do you think magically things will change and get better? No they won't. So you need to communicate with him and let him know your feelings and what you're not happy with. Clearly it's an issue for you, otherwise you wouldn't be here on this forum asking the question.

[Purplehalo]

There is a great book called 5 love languages, I think it would really help you. Basically we tend love different. Some feel loved by wanting time or to hear it and some feel loved by just being supported and takin care of. Well just google the book and take the quiz and you will feel so much better.

[searock]

OP, it's not because you're a woman that you feel unsatisfied with the amount of quality time he spends with you, and you aren't "being dramatic", you are simply communicating your needs in your relationship, which is a very healthy and perfectly reasonable thing to do (it would be unhealthy not to do so).

That being said, I agree with Purplehalo, you should educate yourself on the "5 languages of love" - it sounds cheesy but it's actually a pretty accurate modelization of the way different people communicate their feelings of love. Take the test at http://www.5lovelanguages.com , have him take the test too. Your result will likely be a tie between "quality time" and "words of affirmation", whilst his will probably be "physical touch" or "gifts" (does he bring you gifts often? Does he usually initiate sex? Does he randomly hug you, take your hand, kiss you?).

Maybe he doesn't know how to express his feelings verbally, because he never had male role models who were good at expressing their own feelings. Maybe he's going through a rough time at work and he shuts off from the world, rather than vent to you. Maybe he's depressed.

If there was even just another negative factor, I wouldn't try to come up with all these possible explanations for his aloofness, but the fact that everything is going fine apart from his lack of enthusiasm in spending quality time together and telling you that he loves you first makes me think that, well, he actually does love you, he just doesn't communicate it in the same language as you .

[HDBadger]

First of all, you're both in grad school, so if you did have a lot of free time to spend together, I'd say you aren't working hard enough.

Second, yes, I would talk to him about your feelings. And I would also be prepared for him not to take it well and possibly break up with you. As a man, it gets old really fast dealing with a woman who is difficult to satisfy and needs a lot of attention.

Should you try to get everything you want in a relationship? Yes. But no relationship is perfect, and you may risk this one (which otherwise sounds healthy) by criticizing the guy for something he doesn't even know he's doing (or not doing).

You just sound like the type of person who can't go very long without affection and needs constant affirmation. He sounds nothing like that. That's where the problem is.

[sharpey269]

Everyone's advice is super helpful. I think I have a wonderful relationship and that you guys are right that we probably express love differently. I have heard of the book but never read it, I will do that. His parents are wonderful people, still married, great role models but neither of them is cuddly at all so I guess that's what he is used to.

I think he expresses love more in acts of service. He doesnt mind doing all of the housework when I have tests or bringing me dinner etc. He usually does the dishes before I get to a chance. He is a wonderful guy. Since I am a person that requires a lot of quality time though my feelings are hurt easily when that isnt initiated by him. We do talk about this but he doesnt "get it" since he's different. It is nice to hear that these are valid feelings though and I'm sure that if I make an effort at not taking it personally and he makes more effort in doing those little things and spending time together then we can make everything work.

[searock]

I think he expresses love more in acts of service. He doesnt mind doing all of the housework when I have tests or bringing me dinner etc. He usually does the dishes before I get to a chance. He is a wonderful guy. Since I am a person that requires a lot of quality time though my feelings are hurt easily when that isnt initiated by him. We do talk about this but he doesnt "get it" since he's different. It is nice to hear that these are valid feelings though and I'm sure that if I make an effort at not taking it personally and he makes more effort in doing those little things and spending time together then we can make everything work.

There you go then :-). He expresses his love with acts of service, rather than with quality time. Every time he does something for you, to help you, he is communicating his love for you. With time you will learn to interpret and speak each other's language :-).

[searock]

As a man, it gets old really fast dealing with a woman who is difficult to satisfy and needs a lot of attention.

You are missing the point. She doesn't need attention per se, she just needs to feel loved, as does every person in a healthy relationship. It's a perfectly valid and reasonable thing to need and it has nothing to do with gender, it simply has to do with the way different people express their feelings. To her, expressing love is all about spending quality time together. To him, it's about doing nice things for the person he loves. Simply knowing this will help them to realize that they are actually telling each other "I love you", they are simply using different languages.

[JadenMia]

Your man sounds very much like my boyfriend. He doesn't need the closeness like I do, he doesn't feel it is necessary to spend every waking minute with me and doesn't feel the need to tell me he loves me all the time.
I was used to a very full on intense relationship before him, we were very close and constantly intimate etc. so when I met my partner, after the honeymoon period was over I felt very 'untouched'.
I did speak to him about it, and since he has done little things to help that. He initiates the cuddling, sex and will act 'lovey'.. All the little things.
But after listening to him, I see more of the way he cares in the way he shows it. He calls me everyday to see how my day is going, he will make sure dinner is out on the table, make sure I have everything I need etc.

It isn't dramatic in wanting things to be the way you do, people show love in different ways and like others have mentioned it is understanding each other's language.

I have learned to love the way my partner is and see that he does in fact care and love me. But you have to decide if you can live with the way your partner shows his love without neglecting your own needs.
All the best

[sharpey269]

Your man sounds very much like my boyfriend. He doesn't need the closeness like I do, he doesn't feel it is necessary to spend every waking minute with me and doesn't feel the need to tell me he loves me all the time.
I was used to a very full on intense relationship before him, we were very close and constantly intimate etc. so when I met my partner, after the honeymoon period was over I felt very 'untouched'.
I did speak to him about it, and since he has done little things to help that. He initiates the cuddling, sex and will act 'lovey'.. All the little things.
But after listening to him, I see more of the way he cares in the way he shows it. He calls me everyday to see how my day is going, he will make sure dinner is out on the table, make sure I have everything I need etc.

It isn't dramatic in wanting things to be the way you do, people show love in different ways and like others have mentioned it is understanding each other's language.

I have learned to love the way my partner is and see that he does in fact care and love me. But you have to decide if you can live with the way your partner shows his love without neglecting your own needs.
All the best

Thanks for this opinion. Your situation seems very similar to mine. In my previous relationships, this issue has never come up so I don't necessarily think that I am a needy person in general. In the past I have always felt very loved. That makes me feel like this isn't an insecurity issue with me in general, but an issue with the way we express each other in this particular relationship. I am feeling exactly as you described you did after that honeymoon period ended.