Jealousy issues, partners ex.

[JadenMia]

4 years ago, my partner had a child with someone he was sleeping with. The woman had to DNA test 5 other men before finding out he was the father when the child was a year old.
After all that he didn't want to be with her and she was quite upset about it.
Me and him met a year ago, our relationship has been great until recent events and I never had any problems with her until me and my boyfriend moved in together.
She was unsettled when her daughter would come to stay the weekend with us. It was great for us, our daughters are a year apart and get along like house on fire. I could start to build a relationship with his daughter, but her mother lost it.
Said that she wasn't my daughter so not to act like a mother towards her, to not get involved with her or their relationship.
I was angry at this, I was happy with the arrangement we had and I didn't think I was doing any wrong..
I fell pregnant in September and this angered her even more. When we wanted to tell his daughter, she claimed that she didn't want her daughter to have anything to do with our baby.
I found out I had lost the baby early December and I have been devastated.
Since the miscarriage I have a serious jealousy issue with her. I think honestly I'm jealous that they have a child together and that was taken away from me. I'm upset because she has been so smug about me losing the baby and that honestly angers me to no end.
It has started to plague my thoughts, stop me from sleeping on a night. I even feel emotional when his daughter is around.
I have started to cause fights about it with my boyfriend. I understand that he chooses to be with me and not her but I can't keep the jealous thoughts out of my head.
I know the miscarriage has set this off, I never had the jealousy before this happened.. I really don't want it to ruin my relationship! it's not worth it.
I don't even want to be around her, my best friend invited her to her daughters party, the thought of going and being around her makes me feel sick.
Can anybody give me any insight? Even if it's means to tell me stop being stupid.. I am too embarrassed to talk about it to anybody. I am ashamed I feel this way, sometimes I feel like leaving my boyfriend just to get over it all by myself and not feel hurt anymore.
I have counselling for the miscarriage this Thursday, I plan on bringing up this subject..
Thankyou

[surfhb2]

Counseling is a big step....congrats on that ! Also remember your hormones may be all out of whack at right now so it's possible you're not in your right mind .

She's the crazy one in all this....just remember that. You need to be the better person and just smile when she gets out of hand

[JadenMia]

Counseling is a big step....congrats on that ! Also remember your hormones may be all out of whack at right now so it's possible you're not in your right mind .

She's the crazy one in all this....just remember that. You need to be the better person and just smile when she gets out of hand

Maybe it is my hormones, I'm sure they do play a big part in this issue but my thoughts have started to become almost an obsession. I'm angry with my boyfriend constantly and it upsets me to feel this way about him, when it's really not his fault. I don't show that I'm angry most of the time, so he doesn't quite know the extent of it. But certain comments of mine definitely make it clear I'm upset about it.
Publicly I do laugh about it, just brush it off and try forget about it. But it's on my mind all the time. It's really unhealthy.

[JadenMia]

Also, I'm unsure if my anger towards my friend is warranted. She is, I would consider my true friend. I help her out all the time as she doesn't drive, is in a bad relationship.
She has told me in the past she feels the woman in question looks down on her etc.. But then I wonder why on earth she would invite her to her kids birthday party. When she told me, I hesitated. I had helped planned this party with her and then all she had to say was 'aw, well I understand if you don't come.. Just make sure you bring your daughter over..'
Again it has made me feel second best, almost inferior to this other woman. Adding to my jealousy and insecurity about the situation.
It's eating away at me, I can't stand it!!

[seecrithiding]

Hey girl,

First of all, I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. But being angry at your boyfriend isn't going to help your situation at all. I know that you said that it's kind of hard to control (which is completely understandable) but you are gonna have to do your best to keep your jealousy and temper in check. Not only that but - it's really, really unhealthy for you to carry all of this resentment towards this girl around. You need to make up your mind to be the bigger person and (take a couple deep breaths!!!) LET IT GO.
Do your best to be the bigger woman in the situation and don't let her win. Because if you and your boyfriend were to be miserable and break up now, because of her, that's exactly what is happening.
Continue being kind and considerate to her daughter, and to your boyfriend babe.
You can get through this, and she isn't worth the end of something good.

As for that "friend"? She doesn't seem like much of one to me at all.

[JadenMia]

Thankyou so much for your reply!
I was starting to feel crazy for these thoughts.
She definitely isn't worth the end of us, I know she is out to make my boyfriend miserable and us breaking up is what she ultimately wants.
We are great together and I'm so very thankful to have him in my life.. I'm not going to let her win.
I'm going to work really hard to not let the jealousy ruin my relationship, as nothing has changed since we got together so I shouldn't start getting jealous.
I think once my grieving of my baby is over, a lot of my other issues about this will too.
About my friend, I feel that way too. I would never do this to her, I valued her friendship and now I feel used.. And I know the woman will not be a friend to her like I am. Maybe I should let her find that out by herself.

Thankyou very much for listening

[Wakeup]

Jaden are you in councelling yet? ( Edited to reflect you start Thursday )I ask because you don't seem to be happy unless you've found something to be unhappy about. This seems to be one of those times.

Pick your battles. You treat your bf's daughter well, that is all that you should be concentrating on. In time, when the child gets older its likely she'll want to live with the two of you if you're still a loving couple so tell your partner that you're not interested in communicating with his ex and you won't be from here on out. Take a assertivness training course so that you can learn that you don't have to sit and take shit from other people. Tell your "friend" that you don't want to talk about the ex or hear anything about her because you simply are not interested in her or anything about her. You can nicely but firmly get it out to others that they don't get to talk to you in any way but respectfully.

P.S. Councelling will also help you to come to terms with the grief related to your own PTS due to your past and your mis-carriage. I'm sorry that happened to you, Jade.

[JadenMia]

Thankyou wakeup.

I am definitely going to concentrate on my own motives. Like treating his daughter well and him and I'm not even going to think about her, her thoughts or family. It's getting me down way too much and it's just un needed.
Today felt like a breakthrough for me actually, I called my friend and asked to meet up for a chat and I confronted her about everything. I felt pretty bad afterwards as it was clear she didn't know how crappy I felt about it. She completely explained that she wasn't bothered about her coming to the party but my partners ex had invited her to all her previous occasions so she felt to not be rude she would make the invite. She said she would like me to come help set up and made me feel a huge part so I didn't feel so pushed out for the other girl.. I told her I just no longer want contact with her, and I don't want to hear about her or nothing anymore. And my girlfriend agreed with me. It was such a huge sigh of relief.

As for counselling, I attended and finished all my counselling before, for the abusive relationship. Now just going to talk about some of my feelings after the miscarriage. Counselling made a HUGE difference for me before, I think I have been on such a high for the past year, I wasn't expecting such a crash this time because everything was just going so well.
I got diagnosed with general anxiety disorder after last time and it really made sense because I worry to the point It makes me sick sort of.. My doctor put me on Paxil, I went 3 days and the side effects terrified me so counselling was the way to go. My anxiety has been non existent since I met my boyfriend, but started to creep back up on my since my miscarriage.. So counselling I know, will help me in the way I need.

My mind just has a funny way of playing tricks on me sometimes.. It's almost like an obsession of worry and bad thoughts plague my brain until I start panicking and want to cut off everyone around me so I can be alone and try work through it and get over it.
I am going to apologize to my man tonight and try make it up to him. He must really love me since he has stuck around since I have been acting out against him. Wow.

Thanks again for everybody's replies, it really helps me out and is much appreciated.

[asdfg789]

@JadenMia, sorry to hear about the miscarriage.

Stay strong. You'll get through this.

[Wakeup]

Thankyou wakeup.

I am definitely going to concentrate on my own motives. Like treating his daughter well and him and I'm not even going to think about her, her thoughts or family. It's getting me down way too much and it's just un needed.
Today felt like a breakthrough for me actually, I called my friend and asked to meet up for a chat and I confronted her about everything. I felt pretty bad afterwards as it was clear she didn't know how crappy I felt about it. She completely explained that she wasn't bothered about her coming to the party but my partners ex had invited her to all her previous occasions so she felt to not be rude she would make the invite. She said she would like me to come help set up and made me feel a huge part so I didn't feel so pushed out for the other girl.. I told her I just no longer want contact with her, and I don't want to hear about her or nothing anymore. And my girlfriend agreed with me. It was such a huge sigh of relief.

Well done. Never be afraid to kindly tell someone what you need and what you don't need. If they care, then they will accomdate. That is how we weed out people that are not good for us. Congrats.