Boyfriend staying at home

[Aquafresh]

Hi there! I need advice on how to tell my boyfriend that he is staying to much over my place, without hurting him nor sounding too harsh. Here's the complete story.

I live by myself, in an apartment that my parent pay for me, while I go to college. My boyfriend has been staying over every now and then a few months ago. I went to visit my family for the holidays for 3 weeks, and since I got back, he's been staying over, every single night. At the beginning I didn't mind, because I missed him. But I'm starting to feel the need of my own space. Today, when he left to work he said, he was going to bring clothes over so he could change tomorrow morning to go to work.

I'm starting to worry, because I don't want him to get use to do that! and I don't know how to tell him that.

My parent don't know that he stays over, and I really feel disrespectful if he starts living half here and half on his own house with his family.

PLEAAASE I need advice asap, so I can talk to him before this happens for the first time.

[Lord Darkshire]

Just tell him.

[surfhb2]

Just respectfully tell him what you just said to us

[TheEvilJester]

Everybody needs a little alone time now and then. Nothing wrong with that. Just find a way to gently and respectfully tell him.

Just interested, though... how long have you been together? And how serious would you consider the relationship? I only ask because, eventually if you plan to marry somebody (whether it winds up being him or not, whether it is soon, or years and years down the road) you are probably going to be living with them every day. So, eventually that is something you will have to be accepting of if you expect a relationship to last. Of course, it is still important even then to sometimes have alone time as well. It can be achieved by going out separately, or even just having the occasional opportunity to do things separately within the house/apartment.

[Aquafresh]

We've been together for 7 months, and the relationships is pretty serious.

I understand what you're saying, about the fact that someday I will be living with this person. But the way I see it now, is that, right now this is my home, I dress, eat, do whatever and however I want. When he comes, its because he's visiting me. When the day comes that we live together, will be different, he will no longer be a visit, and we will be sharing a space. Will be our home. I don't know if it makes sense, and if it does, Idk if it is right to think that way... But that's how I feel.

How would be a gentle way to tell him to give me some space?... To be honest, I'm not very good at "confronting" people, or dealing with "problems". I'm very shy, and my thoughts get all over the place whenever I want to make a point come across. I just need some suggestions, and I'll arrange them, however they could work for me best.

Thank you guys!

[surfhb2]

We've been together for 7 months, and the relationships is pretty serious.

I understand what you're saying, about the fact that someday I will be living with this person. But the way I see it now, is that, right now this is my home, I dress, eat, do whatever and however I want. When he comes, its because he's visiting me. When the day comes that we live together, will be different, he will no longer be a visit, and we will be sharing a space. Will be our home. I don't know if it makes sense, and if it does, Idk if it is right to think that way... But that's how I feel.

How would be a gentle way to tell him to give me some space?... To be honest, I'm not very good at "confronting" people, or dealing with "problems". I'm very shy, and my thoughts get all over the place whenever I want to make a point come across. I just need some suggestions, and I'll arrange them, however they could work for me best.

Thank you guys!

you are absolutely right. You shouldn't be thinking of living with this person or marriage at this point in your life. Odds are you wont even be with him....youre still in school ya know?!

There no way to tell you how to do tell him but to say exactly what you just told us.

[Aquafresh]

Thank you!

you are absolutely right. You shouldn't be thinking of living with this person or marriage at this point in your life. Odds are you wont even be with him....youre still in school ya know?!

There no way to tell you how to do tell him but to say exactly what you just told us.

[surfhb2]

Thank you!

No Problem! Glad you have a head on your shoulders

[basilandthyme]

How would be a gentle way to tell him to give me some space?... To be honest, I'm not very good at "confronting" people, or dealing with "problems". I'm very shy, and my thoughts get all over the place whenever I want to make a point come across. I just need some suggestions, and I'll arrange them, however they could work for me best.

Use *I* statements - this avoids putting blame on him and making him get defensive. For example, say "I love that you're able to spend time with me here, but I need a few nights to myself" As the conversation continues, make sure to be clear about what you need....for example, you may want to spend Friday and Saturday nights and one or two weeknights with him staying over.

[AnErin]

There is a song called "Get the f*** out my house" by 2 live crew. It is an older song but should get the point across.

Unwanted or over-staying house guests have been the inspiration of at least a few songs, movies (what about bob) comedy etc.

When you get rid of his ass, it will probably cause break-up and a nasty argument. Throwing out a bum is never something that goes like this -
"Ichabod look, you are overstaying your welcome"
"Oh really, I am sorry, perhaps I can still visit but i will try to respect your space"

Nope, it is more like ripping off a band-aid - hurts like hell for a few seconds but once the pain is gone it is a relief. This guy is a BUM. He is not a boyfriend. He is the type that will make a career of living off others until they toss him out.
While he is leeching off your good nature, he is probably laughing and joking about it to his friends.
His family probably loves you to death. They would gladly lick your backside clean if you let him move in. THEY are hoping some sucker of a female takes him in.

May I ask this - has he offered to contribute to the household in a way you deem fair? Be it money, chores, whatever?
Or does he come over, play video games, leave messes, empty your fridge, stink up your bathroom with his BM's, hog your cable, etc?

Having the place to onesself is nice. People need personal space and privacy. You are not asking too much.

[Aquafresh]

Lucky me, he is not that type of person. He just comes to visit me after work (his schedule changes during the weeks, so it varies the time he comes) spend some time with me, stays over and leaves the next day. He is not the type of guy who would come eat my food, leaves my house messy, etc. He is the opposite of that. He denies to eat my food, instead he invites me to eat somewhere. He is a nice guy. I just need a little bit of more space (sleep by myself sometimes,etc) instead of having him sleeping over every night.

[AnErin]

alright he might not be too bad. I was imagining one of the worthless bums I used to date.
If you explain you need some space, he might not like it much but it should be alright.

[Kuley]

Why he is still living with his family, how young is he anyway? I live on my own though my family's house is near my place, why? bec. I dont want to go through all the drama in my mom's house and I love my little privacy. Maybe your bf feels the same, he wants to get away from there and stay with you where he can find peace and love you can only give him, just have a talk with him and tell him what bothers you and tell him if your parents will find out they wont be happy about it, just be calm and make him understand your sentiments, best of luck.

[4 ratties]

You must be honest with him or keeping it bottled in will ruin the relationship

[Rowen]

Tell him. Never underestimate direct communication.