Obsessed with my gf's emotional baggage

[gvrn5]

We've been together a little over a year now, in our mid-twenties. My problem is that I've become obsessed over her last relationship. I know my obsession and anxiety of this is bc I'm worried about her still having feelings and also are "ok" sex life.

When I met her it was 6 months after she got out of this relationship. When we would get intimate about a month or more in, she would often cry and tell me how special I am and how she wishes she would've waited for me. I took this as a compliment and told her it was ok.

She didn't really say much early on but I could tell her ex did a number on her. She was with him for 2 years and opened up over our relationships giving me some idea of how it was such as he told her she was rough and beat up downstairs and loose, that she was horrible at sex, things like that. Pure emotional abuse and an absolute douche. She was always the good girl and this "bad boy" is the one that took her virginity. I'm okay with that and totally understand.

However, throughout the course of our relationship I'd get references now and again about that history- that is was lustful and wrong with him while it's true love with me. That he just used her for sex and didn't care for her. This guy obviously hurt her very much. These things began getting in my head bc I started thinking she still had feelings for him the way she got upset. She once told me that she saw a girl he had cheated on her with at a bar and asked me if i could imagine how awful that is. She told me about how he brought another girl back to his apt while she was in the other room and promised her they didn't do anything. She told me how she made out with his best friend once and she always thought he was cuter anyways. She told me he smoked weed all the time and all they'd do is sit around. Before I met her she told me she had this deep depression of feeling worthless and used up from giving him her virginity and that when she met me she thought I was too good for her and she didn't deserve me.

I eventually got fed up with all these thoughts repeating in my head and told her I don't want her to mention him again. I never get insecure about these things but I let it happen this time. I started thinking of if he was better in bed, etc and even asked. She got upset and told me nothing compares. Now I question if she's being honest or not. I'm in such a negative feedback loop and can't get it out of my head. I know it's wrong but what should I think?

She hasn't mentioned anything for a while but it's still with me. She wants marriage and is very good to me. However, our sex life isn't the greatest bc she's not a very sexual person as she says. I want sex more than she does and I've talked to her about this. It has gotten better but these thoughts of her ex really screw with me and make me think she gave him more than me especially by the things she said mentioned above. I feel like the "good guy" she's locking down after her lusting with the "bad boy". I'm not a weak or bad looking guy always been good with girls but this stuff really got serious when we talked about marriage. I don't want a wife that is settling for the white-picket fence so to speak. Please don't bash me about how insecure or jealous I am. Any level-headed advice as to what's going on here would be appreciated, and should I even consider marrying a girl who has mentioned these things.

I want you all to understand I really care for this girl and she's very special. She's good to me in many ways and is always there for me. She has really not said anything about the ex for a while now, but anytime I get frustrated with sex or if she doesn't want to, this seems to trigger all these thoughts. Plus, the guy pops up on my FB and appears to be a huge player.

I also think it's important to mention she is pretty immature/inexperienced in her dating life. She only had one bf before her ex who she never did anything sexual with and she was with him for 4 years. I'm not sure if she was just trying to open up for more intimacy by sharing her painful experiences or if those things were red flags.

[4 ratties]

Idk why she said that stuff . I'm 100% over an ex of mine and I've made a couple comments to the next bf about him. No harm in that persay. She may just want you to know what she went thru. The ex I said I'm over, used to mention his ex a lot and eventually he did cheat on me with her. That was who he lost his virginity with too. I would just make sure communication is open between you two and that she continues to not entertain the thought if him and talk about him, whether in a negative way or not. 6 months may not have been enough time for her to get over him.

[Wakeup]

How long was it between breaking up with him and getting with you, Op?
If he was such an awful Assclown, then why did she stay with him for 4 years?

[Boisdevie]

Why does the guy pop up on your Facebook - you can block people you know.
If your sex life is crap then accept the crapness or end the relationship because I doubt it'll get much better.
If your GF goes on about this guy tell him you don't want to hear about it.

[radk98]

6 months from the time she broke up with him til she met me. She was with him for a little over 2 years. I really wish I didn't hear the things I mentioned bc they've really been going through my head aggravating me. I could see it as she just wanted to mention it bc she doesn't want to be treated that way again, and also bc she's just immature and doesn't really have a lot of other relationship experience.

On FB he pops up on suggested friends.

[radk98]

Idk why she said that stuff . I'm 100% over an ex of mine and I've made a couple comments to the next bf about him. No harm in that persay. She may just want you to know what she went thru. The ex I said I'm over, used to mention his ex a lot and eventually he did cheat on me with her. That was who he lost his virginity with too. I would just make sure communication is open between you two and that she continues to not entertain the thought if him and talk about him, whether in a negative way or not. 6 months may not have been enough time for her to get over him.

How long were you and your ex together? Were you all really serious?

I hate how insecure all this is making me feel. We've been together over a year and I haven't heard anything about him the last few months. When things were mentioned it wasn't constantly but every month or so maybe. It's just the things she did say have been playing over and over in my head. I've asked her if she was over him before and she said she was surprised I'd even ask her that.

I know early on in our relationship he had texted her. She had deleted his number and replied asking who it was. He had 2 little sisters she was close with I guess to who would text her. Anyways, at the time this happened which was maybe a month or two into our relationship she showed me the text and apologized for replying. She seemed to feel really guilty about it.

Do you all think she could be completely over it now and at the times shes mentioned him it was just part of her letting me know what she went through?

She tells me I'm everything shes ever wanted and couldn't dream of a better person for her. I want to believe this, but it's hard to when I get anxiety about the things shes said over our relationship.

[radk98]

How long was it between breaking up with him and getting with you, Op?
If he was such an awful Assclown, then why did she stay with him for 4 years?

That is what I don't understand. I asked her this and she said she felt trapped and used up especially after losing her virginity. Also she felt that she didn't deserve any better bc of the things he would say to her.

[Boisdevie]

That is what I don't understand. I asked her this and she said she felt trapped and used up especially after losing her virginity. Also she felt that she didn't deserve any better bc of the things he would say to her.

If that's true then she needs therapy because most normal people wouldn't put up with that crap for five minutes. Four years? - jeez.

[Wakeup]

Yes.. she's got some issues that she needs to work through, no doubt. I think she wants to tell you about him because she wants you to try and fix her and that it's like talking to a therapist (but it's not) Talking/Venting to you may make her feel better about herself and you may be able to do that temporarily but the old issues will raise up again if she doesn't start doing tangible things that make her proud of herself from things accomplished, goals met, hobbies formed, classes graduated from etc. Is she under-motivated about her own success and being independent?

Don't be her White Knight (google white knight syndrome) and encourage her to get help either through therapy or through her own accomplishments. Sitting on the couch every night with you is not an accomplishment.

You didn't say how long it was from when she broke up with him and got with you. Did she get with you before she broke up with him? Anyway, I ask because there is also a possiblity that you're just a rebound. (google Rebound Relationship) and read why it's not a very good thing for the first person that gets with someone who is rebounding. Did she date anyone else before you?

[Boisdevie]

Don't be her White Knight (google white knight syndrome) and encourage her to get help either through therapy or through her own accomplishments. Sitting on the couch every night with you is not an accomplishment.

It would be OK if she were red hot in bed but this doesn't seem to be the case. Poor lamb.

[radk98]

Yes.. she's got some issues that she needs to work through, no doubt. I think she wants to tell you about him because she wants you to try and fix her and that it's like talking to a therapist (but it's not) Talking/Venting to you may make her feel better about herself and you may be able to do that temporarily but the old issues will raise up again if she doesn't start doing tangible things that make her proud of herself from things accomplished, goals met, hobbies formed, classes graduated from etc. Is she under-motivated about her own success and being independent?

Don't be her White Knight (google white knight syndrome) and encourage her to get help either through therapy or through her own accomplishments. Sitting on the couch every night with you is not an accomplishment.

You didn't say how long it was from when she broke up with him and got with you. Did she get with you before she broke up with him? Anyway, I ask because there is also a possiblity that you're just a rebound. (google Rebound Relationship) and read why it's not a very good thing for the first person that gets with someone who is rebounding. Did she date anyone else before you?

Thanks for the posts you all. i thought I mentioned she was single for 6 months before meeting me and had been on a couple date after the breakup with other guys as well.

I've thought about rebound relationships but honestly I don't think that is it. I honestly can't tell if this is all baggage from the ex or just her upbringing as a fairly strict religious one.

With our sex life, she has said from early on she just isn't a very sexual person. Sometimes we can just be lying in bed naked and I can't get anything started. I also can't even tell if she ever orgasms. Being with other girls and knowing what one is, she never really give those signals. I ask her what she likes and the only thing she says is she likes it when " i go real deep". I feel like a failure a lot of times and this leads to me thinking that I'm doing things wrong.

I've told her this and she just repeated that she wasn't a sexual person. I told her it makes me feel rejected and imcompetent. I even told her I started worrying that maybe her ex was better or something. She told me that everything is amazing with me and nothing can even begin to compare. I felt rediculous for having to ask that but felt if I trust her, i should be able to.

Here's where I start thinking too much. She has said things about herself that upset me bc she's so wrong, such as:

she knows she's bad at sex
she knows she's a bad kisser
as long as I'm satisfying you

These things are conflicting bc when she's into sex, it's great. Also, she gives great oral sex and I wonder how she got so good at it being only with one other guy.

This gets in my head bc I think that her ex and her might have had more sex than she's putting there for me. I feel like she couldn't have gotten some of the skills she has without practice and quite a bit of it.

I understand it's not good to think about these things, but I can't think of anything else. Do you all think it's safe to say she just isn't sexual?

I asked her if her drive has been the same in other relationships and she said yes, always.

Please don't bash me for insecurity. I understand it is, but with some of the things i've seen i think it's reasonable.

[Wakeup]

These things are conflicting bc when she's into sex, it's great. Also, she gives great oral sex and I wonder how she got so good at it being only with one other guy.

This is probably the most naive thing I've read. You can be just as good and just as experienced at something when being with only one man for many years as you ever could be with being with many men/women that only last a short while or are sex only relationships of the fleeting kind. Quality does not equate with partner variety. Same thing goes for your career. You don't have to be going from job to job to become the best in your field.

She is a sexual dud. She will find sex even less useful as any relationship goes on and the "new relationship energy" dissipates You are ignoring a million red flags that more often then not lead to divorce. Its people like you two (that keep trying to make incompatibility work) that make the worlds divorce rate so high.

I'll leave you to your trying to fix her while you fail at it. Never try to fix a broken person. They'lll bring you down to below their level before you can ever raise them up.

[radk98]

This is probably the most naive thing I've read. You can be just as good and just as experienced at something when being with only one man for many years as you ever could be with being with many men/women that only last a short while or are sex only relationships of the fleeting kind. Quality does not equate with partner variety. Same thing goes for your career. You don't have to be going from job to job to become the best in your field.

She is a sexual dud. She will find sex even less useful as any relationship goes on and the "new relationship energy" dissipates You are ignoring a million red flags that more often then not lead to divorce. Its people like you two (that keep trying to make incompatibility work) that make the worlds divorce rate so high.

I'll leave you to your trying to fix her while you fail at it. Never try to fix a broken person. They'lll bring you down to below their level before you can ever raise them up.

Thanks for the quick reply, Wakeup. I feel at such a loss for what exactly I should do.

I don't mean to annoy you with what might be obvious red flags, but I feel like it's prob hard for me to see since i'm in the middle of it.

So you're saying that she's a "sexual dud", that's who she is and always has been?

Ya know, I couldn't help but think, sure the ex that said the things he did to her was completely out of line. However, the fact of some of the things he said and the fact he cheated makes me wonder if maybe he was experiencing this "sexual dud" nature. She's told me she's only attempted masturbating a couple times, stopped bc she it was weird. Also, she won't let me go down on her or touch directly on her most sensitive area bc she says it's too sensitive, even when I'm extremely gentle.

I know my previous post sounded naive. I understand you can get much experience from one partner of several years as being with many others. It's just that she tells me she's inexperienced and isn't good at anything. I don't get this. I've encouraged her and it's gotten better to an extent. However, I'll try to be fun and intimate in different places to spice things up and she just can't get into it.

I can see that it's my ego wanting to know if she was more sexual with her ex or if he was doing things that made her more into it. There are things she does that are great, but it's so seldom and I feel like I can't initiate when I want all the time to get it. I mean, what am I supposed to think about this? I really keep beating myself up with it. I'm starting to feel like a lousy lover or something.

Also, the divorce rate scares the crap outta me and I explain this to her when she brings up marriage... that we should date longer and iron out issues to make sure we're compatible. Yet, she says she just knows and is committed to me no matter what.

[Wakeup]

You will either stay together and be always unfulfilled and unhappy, stay together until you too cheat because she's not compatible sexually but you're too codependent to leave her and so you'll try to have your cake while eating it to, or you can leave her (like you should) now and find someone who has the same or very, very similar libido to yours.

You're not happy now. What makes you think you will be when, as I've said, the "new relationship energy" wheres off and she never wants sex, never initiates it, gets mad and jealous when you masturbate to porn to supplement what you're not getting from her?

Sorry to be so frank. I'm sure it's not what you want to hear but it is very likely what you will experience if you stay with her. The only saving grace may be if she gets councelling and you go to couples councelling together to try and fix what isn't right with your relationship currently.

Be well.

[radk98]

You will either stay together and be always unfulfilled and unhappy, stay together until you too cheat because she's not compatible sexually but you're too codependent to leave her and so you'll try to have your cake while eating it to, or you can leave her (like you should) now and find someone who has the same or very, very similar libido to yours.

You're not happy now. What makes you think you will be when, as I've said, the "new relationship energy" wheres off and she never wants sex, never initiates it, gets mad and jealous when you masturbate to porn to supplement what you're not getting from her?

Sorry to be so frank. I'm sure it's not what you want to hear but it is very likely what you will experience if you stay with her. The only saving grace may be if she gets councelling and you go to couples councelling together to try and fix what isn't right with your relationship currently.

Be well.

Don't apologize for being frank. I appreciate it and you taking the time to post.

I guess some of the things that go through my mind is that we all have our problems and are broken to some degree. I can say I've had my problems during our relationship and I've worked on them to become a better person.

Also, I think I've put her up on a pedestal thinking she is the best girl. My family and people I know tell me how lucky I am and that I better not mess it up. If I let her go, someone will snatch her up real quick.

And then I worry that I'll break this off and end up with some sex-craved girl who I can't trust and end up regretting leaving this one. Is it normal to have these thoughts?

You mentioned that broken people bring you down eventually. Do you think that is what has happened/is happening to me currently? I've made her sexual issues my own bringing out a lot of insecurity in myself?

I used to feel codependent in my last relationship and after that I worked on myself to get better. I feel that I'm becoming that person again, and my girlfriend is codependent as well. Kind of like it's sucking the life outta me lol