2 years, still can't get over her

[lost_man]

I have a past of being extremely shy and anxious, one from which I have now thankfully largely recovered.

Recovery came at a price though. My first attempt at a relationship was with a girl I met online. We became very close and bonded over having similar anxiety issues. I fell in love with her but was unable to act upon it because I felt at the time that I didn't deserve her and that she was out of my league. So pathetically, I poured care and support into her in the hope that eventually things would somehow work out.

They didn't. I tried to force myself to get over it, by telling her how I felt, breaking contact and dating someone else (who I am still in a largely happy relationship with). It's probably because she was the first, and a first that came along as I was trying to shed a painful past and a lot of baggage.

I still think of her several times a day and struggle with the pain that I shoved down somewhere deep to try and move on. I fight the urge to get in contact with her all the time. I can't shake the "what if's" which are pointless, but that's how it is. I have no idea what to do, I've been very good to my girlfriend but sometimes feel guilty that I am in part living a lie.

I hope this doesn't go on forever.

[Enigmos]

If you could contact her, what would you say?

[Mr grey]

Hi

I can understand in some resepect...i have gone back to my wife of my children..15yrs...we got lost and seperated for 3 months. In that time i met a woman who changed me...
Was it lust i dont think so... i think we all connect diffrently with diffrent people..wen u find someone that gives you that feeling of restlessness in ur sleep because ur dreams are reality... then it will be hard to foget her...and her u if it was the same...i am lucky to of found this and i have the task of making choices...we only live once and my heart as come out and i dont want it to be hidden again..my partner now is slowly doing this...i wake up happy everyday for being with a woman who adores me and bares my children but also sad and hurting that i have lost something i will never have. And if you dont act speedily she may have moved on...life is full of paths some right some wrong..please choose urs...

Thankyou

[Lilwings03]

I can understand your dilima, but you need to remember it only lasted 3 months. A sort term relationship is still in the honeymoon phase, most are often wonderful.
If this continued over time it may nt have been so great.
You made the right choice by returning to your marriage. Don't contact her, it will only become an affair and tormenting.
Best of Luck
Lilwings03

[lost_man]

If you could contact her, what would you say?

Well I often attempt to draft an email to her but I stop myself because I become confused about what I want to say, and frightened of the implications. If I were single I would find it easier to contact her because there would be less guilt and no risk, rejection would worry me but not enough to stop me trying. The risk is losing what I now have, which is so much progress compared to my past which was horribly lonely and sad. I've tried to think of all the reasons why she would not be good for me and they all make sense but they don't stem the tide of thoughts. I've even tried to look at what needs within me that she met, and whilst I understand that side of the equation too, I still think of her all the time. It's exhausting holding it all in too, playing happy families when I'm not sure. I suppose to answer your question, I'd tell her my point of view of what happened and simply that I still love her and maybe always will.

[lost_man]

Last night I had a dream about her, which hasn't happened for several months.

It's hard to remember dreams but the theme was that I had gone to the area where she now lives (she moved abroad) and was frantically searching for her, sometimes getting close but never finding her. It was laced with a feeling of anguish and panic and I woke up with my heart racing and feeling like it was real

I've spent half the morning in bed I think because it's shaken me again and I'm trying to avoid any work related stress on top of it. I'm trying hard not to ruin my relationship over the fantasy of a previous unrequited love but am terrified it's destined to fail and leave me alone, lost and frightened again.