I need professional Help/Training/Coaching in Dating

[Caldray]

I'm in my late thirties and I've been single for most of my life and it hurts me a lot, constantly. The hurt is becoming worse as I grow older though I know that all is not lost yet. I come from a culture where dating was not encouraged and people mostly have arranged marriages. Growing up my mother was very strict and I learnt to be afraid of women. Even when we are adults, you'll frequently find that you can trace personality traits back to childhood. Bad traits need focused intervention to fix and this is what I want to do. I'm not blaming it on bad parenting but we have to find out how a problem started so we can understand it more and know how to approach it and fix it.

So... I need some serious coaching or training in dating and learning how to approach girls. Anytime I've tried anything with girls, they've always remained in my friendzone. Recently I told a "friend" that I liked her (after being years in the friendzone) and she rejected me saying we were only friends and she is now seeing someone who just moved to this city a few months back. Its sad. I kind of knew that she mostly saw me as a friend but I wanted to hear it from her so it would all be over and I could move on, but it did hurt me to think that I lost another girl. Its hurting me right now and thats why I'm here now. Better late than never.
Nowadays there's another girl that I'm just hanging out with occasionally and I've known her for years too so its happening again. I don't know what happens. Girls show strong interest in me in the beginning but later on it seems they get disappointed and are waiting for me to do something which I never do. Maybe there's something wrong with me. Whatever it is, I need to change.
I don't know how to take it to the next level so I can kiss, be involved emotionally, have a girlfriend and be intimate. These are just not skills that I learned while growing up. Its not my fault. However I realize I need to do something about this otherwise it will be 10 more years and I'll still be single. This cant go on.

The advice I need is to tell me about coaching or training programs. Like Public speaking, right? I need training in dating. It could really good videos, or one-on-one coaching in real life. It could involve training in group settings where we're practicing. In today's world where people can invent things like Snuggies and the funny-looking Ostrich pillow, there's got to be something for people like me who have no clue how to move on from friendship to the next level. Books? That wont do it for me. I need actual practice to change my behavior. Reading a book wont do it. I have read things like that before. We cant change personality traits by reading books, just like you could not learn flying an airplane by reading a book. You have to actually practice in some kind simulation or the real thing.
I'm not interested in hearing advice like "Just keep practicing", or "make some friends" and so on. I need professional help and I want to know where I can get it from. I can pay, that's not a problem. I just hope its not like $300/hour - that I could not do.
They'll find out what's wrong, why I get "frozen" or fearful, what I need to do at what stage and then I'll do a little bit of practice. Once I got some email coaching about a girl I was seeing. That didnt work out but that shows I've tried to get help. Email coaching could help but thats still not as involved as I want it.
I know I need to work on my body and I live in a crappy place now (recently moved). I also have health problems which leave me out of energy and that is a huge problem which I'm trying to fix. My racial/national/ethnic background doesn't do me any favors but we have to play with the cards we are given and control the factors that we can control and ignore the rest. People can succeed or fail in spite of whatever backgrounds they come from. Sometimes those same factors can actually help me out in the beginning and help me stand out a little but I have to make it work. Its all about how we are as a person.
Anyway, in spite of many factors working against me, I know I still have to improve my "game" or whatever that is. I don't want to be single forever.

So I'm hoping I can get advice about what kind of help I can get or what I can do next.

[Wakeup]

I have a question. If you're parents are going to arrange your marriage eventually then why would you want to date women they haven't yet approved of anyway and why haven't they introduced you to your intended as yet?

Anyway.. You have to stop being friends to women. Doing so isn't helping your cause one little bit. If you ask them out early on, and they refuse your request then don't stick around them anymore. They aren't going to help you reach your goal of being someone's boyfriend so don't keep them in your life.

[AnErin]

If you are wanting to attend seminars, do not waste your money. Look at the reviews for a lot of them.
There are youtube videos about dating. Yes one has to do hands-on to gain the skills but the books/videos will at least give you direction so you are not completely in the dark.
BTW most books about dating SUCK. When I was having problems dating, I read a few and came across some ridiculous advice. If you wanted to give this a glance though, it costs nothing and you can read bits and pieces to see if it might help - http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=124193391 or google "coal man the new formula for picking up chicks" and the first result is there. On youtube maybe search "How to approach women".

[Caldray]

I have a question. If you're parents are going to arrange your marriage eventually then why would you want to date women they haven't yet approved of anyway and why haven't they introduced you to your intended as yet?

Oh. No I can be with whoever I want, I dont care what my family wants. In that way and others I'm different than most traditional people from my background. I do my own thing. I'm also lucky that my (late) father supported me being with a person from any background. He was open minded.

Anyway.. You have to stop being friends to women. Doing so isn't helping your cause one little bit. If you ask them out early on, and they refuse your request then don't stick around them anymore. They aren't going to help you reach your goal of being someone's boyfriend so don't keep them in your life.

Thats part of my problem. I dont know how to ask girls out and all that. I probably need to say a few foolish/brave things and risk being rejected and so on and do the trial and error thing maybe, I dont know.
I dont know how to do anything other than be a friend "Hey do you wanna go for lunch, so whats going on, hows your job going". Sadly thats the extent of what I can talk about and what I've always done. But you're right, I need to approach directly early on so I dont waste my time. I wish I had done that with this other girl. It would have freed up my mind and time.

If you are wanting to attend seminars, do not waste your money. Look at the reviews for a lot of them.
There are youtube videos about dating. Yes one has to do hands-on to gain the skills but the books/videos will at least give you direction so you are not completely in the dark.
BTW most books about dating SUCK. When I was having problems dating, I read a few and came across some ridiculous advice. If you wanted to give this a glance though, it costs nothing and you can read bits and pieces to see if it might help - forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=124193391 or google "coal man the new formula for picking up chicks" and the first result is there. On youtube maybe search "How to approach women".

Thanks I'll check it out. I really want to get involved in some actual "practice". I'll try the videos but I'm not positive they'll help me.
Seminars wont do it either. Thats just talk, like books. I need practical sessions. I'll see whats available.
I'll check that body building link, thanks.
I'm also going to check "Speed dating" offices/companies and see if they know anything.

Anyone else that has any advice about where I can find this kind of training or what I can do let me know.

[mollymari]

Your story resonates with one similar in my family, a cousin. Eventually he placed an add seeking help from females in his age group. An add asking for help on how to date.. I think he titled it, "seeking insight on dating rituals, please help"
Sounded funny at the time but it worked. Didn't cost him much in the local paper and his replies were surprising. When I called to ask how it went he said he'd been going on one or two dates every few weeks and the ladies that met him were just great. He felt that because it was a no strings attached type situation, one person helping another, the women seemed sweetly interested in helping out with some pointers. Eventually one of them introduced him to their little sister.

just a thought, might work though

good luck
be yourself and breath when those nerves start to strike.

[Wakeup]

Oh. No I can be with whoever I want, I dont care what my family wants. In that way and others I'm different than most traditional people from my background. I do my own thing. I'm also lucky that my (late) father supported me being with a person from any background. He was open minded.

The very fact that you are very much the exception to the rule would make me NOT date you. No one knows that about you when first seeing you and knowing what your culture most always expects. Sorry. I do wish you luck in your search.

I dont know how to do anything other than be a friend "Hey do you wanna go for lunch, so whats going on, hows your job going". Sadly thats the extent of what I can talk about and what I've always done. But you're right, I need to approach directly early on so I dont waste my time. I wish I had done that with this other girl. It would have freed up my mind and time.

You ask them out on a date. You make sure then understand that its a date to facilitate getting to know one another on a romantic level. You lean in for a kiss at the end of the date and if they don't want to go on another date with you then you don't have anything else to do with them. Being a friend is not your end goal so stop wasting time there

Join a dating site or a meet up site or take a special interest course that lots of women would also enjoy and get started.

[Caldray]

Your story resonates with one similar in my family, a cousin. Eventually he placed an add seeking help from females in his age group. An add asking for help on how to date.. I think he titled it, "seeking insight on dating rituals, please help"
Sounded funny at the time but it worked. Didn't cost him much in the local paper and his replies were surprising. When I called to ask how it went he said he'd been going on one or two dates every few weeks and the ladies that met him were just great. He felt that because it was a no strings attached type situation, one person helping another, the women seemed sweetly interested in helping out with some pointers. Eventually one of them introduced him to their little sister.

just a thought, might work though

good luck
be yourself and breath when those nerves start to strike.

Thats great. I might try that. I'll think about it.

Oh. No I can be with whoever I want, I dont care what my family wants. In that way and others I'm different than most traditional people from my background. I do my own thing. I'm also lucky that my (late) father supported me being with a person from any background. He was open minded.

The very fact that you are very much the exception to the rule would make me NOT date you. No one knows that about you when first seeing you and knowing what your culture most always expects. Sorry. I do wish you luck in your search.

Sorry I didnt get that. Isnt it a good thing that I'm open to dating anyone and that I'm not held down by any restrictions from my culture/family?

You ask them out on a date. You make sure then understand that its a date to facilitate getting to know one another on a romantic level. You lean in for a kiss at the end of the date and if they don't want to go on another date with you then you don't have anything else to do with them. Being a friend is not your end goal so stop wasting time there

Join a dating site or a meet up site or take a special interest course that lots of women would also enjoy and get started.

Yea. I've heard about the meetup site and I have done that in the past and plan to do it again.
I have NO idea about how I would get to know anyone on a romantic level, but I hope I'll learn some day soon.
I wish I had talked to you years ago, would have saved me a lot of time that I wasted with that girl and she wasted her time too. We were both shy. But she's now seeing someone.
I've contacted a dating agency in a city nearby and will ask them for tips.
With my background and so on, this is a big challenge for me but lets see. I have to keep trying.

[Caldray]

The very fact that you are very much the exception to the rule would make me NOT date you. No one knows that about you when first seeing you and knowing what your culture most always expects. Sorry. I do wish you luck in your search.


You ask them out on a date. You make sure then understand that its a date to facilitate getting to know one another on a romantic level. You lean in for a kiss at the end of the date and if they don't want to go on another date with you then you don't have anything else to do with them. Being a friend is not your end goal so stop wasting time there

Join a dating site or a meet up site or take a special interest course that lots of women would also enjoy and get started.

Hey could you look at my post above and give me a response please and tell me why you think me being an exception to the rule is a bad thing? I would appreciate it, it could give me some insight for myself.
People who are different from others often attract others who are different too. People who are more comfortable with fitting in with society find others like themselves. So its a matter of personal preference. But again I didnt understand what you meant by that so it would great if you could elaborate on that.

[Caldray]

The very fact that you are very much the exception to the rule would make me NOT date you. No one knows that about you when first seeing you and knowing what your culture most always expects. Sorry. I do wish you luck in your search.


You ask them out on a date. You make sure then understand that its a date to facilitate getting to know one another on a romantic level. You lean in for a kiss at the end of the date and if they don't want to go on another date with you then you don't have anything else to do with them. Being a friend is not your end goal so stop wasting time there

Join a dating site or a meet up site or take a special interest course that lots of women would also enjoy and get started.

Alright well you decided to disappear and not come back to clarify what you had written to me and you also didnt respond to my private message. Its common courtesy to respond if someone asks you to clarify what you said.

I think being accountable for our words and being clear in communication is much more important than whatever 'weaknesses' you were talking about (being an exception to the rule and so on).

[Wakeup]

I'm just seeing this now and I didn't get your private message that I can remember. When did you send it? That being said, I am under no obligation to respond to you even if I had seen your posts or gotten your email so simmer the **** down, dude.

Most woman who are not Pakistani would not date you because they are NOT going to take a chance on being with you only to be replaced by the choice of your mother in some arranged fiasco. As for being with you casually, well even then a woman needs to be attracted to her FB so perhaps they are not so?

That's the gist of it. Take it or leave it... try a pre-arranged marriage site, maybe you'll do better there then in a mainstream site... Hell try all the sites. It's a numbers game after all.

[Sunnybeach7]

Ok.. it seems that the only thing you really need to "fix" is your fear of women, from the way your mother was with you. You need to get over that fear.. definitely date some women that seem like they have milder attitudes

You can ask a girl to go to lunch with you? Sweetie, you are half way there. Just ask them if they would like to go to dinner with you, or to a movie, or for coffee. Tell them you want to learn more about them. Ask them if they'd like to go on a date with you. If they ask what kind of date, tell them they can choose what they want to do. That can get you a date without having to worry about what to do, and it will make them feel special like they get a choice to do something they like.

There is nothing wrong with you and nothing you need to learn.. it's just that you are scared.. and yes.. rejection is hard.. it's really hard. But you know what? You will get rejections, but if you keep trying, I bet you will get some dates too. it seems you have no problem talking to women or even being around them.. you're just afraid of being let down.

Ask a girl that if you ask her on a date would she accept.. if she says yes, maybe or anything but no.. ask her!